Ad Vitam
by the best of s
Summary: From little to big. [for life]
1. Don't Look Back Now

I kissed Spencer Carlin when I was 8 years old.

Of course, if you ask her - which I wouldn't, because good old Spencey has a tendency to deny lots of things, she'll tell you it was a dream.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not a hundred percent sure it wasn't. It was so long ago, almost fifteen years. A lifetime. And I was so young, kids have overactive imaginations, right?

I peer down at the photograph of her I didn't know I'd kept, cursing myself for stumbling upon it. 

I shake the memory out of my head, throwing the picture I'd forgotten I had back into the bottom of the old box, throwing some used textbooks on top of it. Cleaning out my dorm room, my place of co-habitation for the past four years, was going to be enough of a task without getting caught up in the past.

I am a college graduate. I have a lot to be proud of, a lot ahead of me. Leaving home at eighteen and never looking back might have made me a lot lonelier, but it did also make me particularly driven. The inheritence helped, of course. But it's not about money.

"Who was that?"

Hailey, my roommate, my fellow partier, probably my closest friend of four years is peering at the bottom of my box.

"What?"

"Picture." She kicks the box lightly, cigarette dangling from her mouth.

"Some girl I knew once." I'm dismissive, and grab the tobacco stick. "Don't smoke in here."

Hailey just smirks, knowing the argument I always use - 'We have to live here, I don't want it smelling like the inside of an ashtray!' - no longer applies. After we get this place gutted, taking our belongings with us, we'll never know it again.

"Screw that. I'm finishing the pack." A match sizzles in the air and she takes the cigarette away from me, lighting it up. I draw up my nose against the smell of sulfur and tobacco smoke mixing in the air, and toss some more clothes in my box.

"When'd you know her?" Puff.

"Huh?"

"Box girl." She taps the box again, with her foot.

"Quit it." I'm testy today. "A long time ago."

Hailey lies back on the bed. She's tall, pale, and has gray eyes. She's the only person I've met with gray eyes. Her hair is cut very short, but it suits her. Right now she has bed head, and I don't think she cares. I will be sharing an apartment with her for an indefinite amount of time after we get the hell out of here, her words.

"How long?"

"Don't smoke on my bed."

"Not your bed anymore." She replies quickly, smugly.

I groan out loud, hating being forced to recall details about my past and wanting her to know so, and say, "Forever ago."

She seems satisfied with my answer, knowing I'm very vague about where I come from. "Name?"

I don't want to say the name, knowing it will throw me back in time, forcing me to remember. I do it anways. "Spencer."

_"Spencer."_

_She sticks her hand out, waiting for it to be shaken. I've never seen a girl my age do that, and I look back from the hand up to her face. She, this Spencer, is smacking her gum loudly, squinting at me in the sun, and scratching at her ear with a funny grin._

_She wears a baseball cap pulled over her messy blonde hair. _

_She is what my Mom will later tell me is a 'tomboy'. I'd never heard this term before. _

_But already, I like Spencer. I can sense her spirit, and reach out to pump her hand. "I'm Ashley."_

_"Nice to meetcha, Ashee." She grins wider, purposefully mispronouncing my name, and I can see she's missing a few of her front teeth. _

_"Ashley." I correct her nicely, I don't want to sound too mean, she's the only other girl my age in this stupid apartment complex and she's just moved in. I know because I watched them all day with my face pressed against the glass of our front window, until my Mother finally shooed me outside, telling me to introduce myself. She just wanted me out of her hair._

_My Mother owns the place, and I've asked her countless times why she can't make more girls my age live here. She always patiently reminds me that that isn't how it works._

_Davies Estates. I guess it's a fancy place to live. But Spencer doesn't look that fancy. "Ashee." She repeats cheekily, then blows a bubble, a big one. I am momentarily impressed, then take this opportunity to reach out a finger and punish her for saying my name wrong - twice. It bursts all over her face._

_I collapse in a fit of giggles when I see her surprised face, chin covered in bubblegum. "Gotcha, Spencey!" Retribution delivered, I shriek and run before she can retaliate. She seems like the hair pulling type. _

_I hear her quick footsteps fall in line behind me, trying to catch me, but I run down the stairwell nearest to me, knowing she can't. I've lived in this maze of apartments and pathways all my life, all 6 years of it, and I know I'll lose her in no time._

_But no. She's on my heels, even after I turn three sharp corners, run through the laundry room, across the grass pathway, over the big rock, and around the water fountain three times. _

_We run screaming and laughing and having a ball. Eventually I feel her hands reach my shoulders, signaling to me that I've been bested. She spins me around, and her face is pink, she's out of breath. I have to look similarly flushed. She puts both arms around her head and gives a little victory dance. _

_"Ha! Slow poke Ashley!" She pokes a finger right at my nose, looking extremely pleased with herslf, then falls on her back to rest on the cool grass._

_I peer down at her. "I am not slow. You're slow."_

_She doesn't seem fazed by my protests, closing her eyes and sighing. "Nah. You're slow."_

_I drop to a sitting position, frowning at her. "Am not!"_

_Spencer turns her head, opening one bright blue eye to peer at me. "Nah. I caught you."_

That she did. I throw even more sweaters on top, close the box, and tape it up tightly. I have to get this job done quickly and there can be no time for daydreaming.

"Spencer? Sounds like a dude's name." I hear Hailey say, blowing smoke rings directly at the ceiling.

"Well..." I trail off, letting her know that's all I have to say on the subject.

"Wanna get some drinks tonight?"

"No."

"Wanna get some chicks tonight?"

"No."

"Wanna watch me get some drinks tonight?"

"No."

"Wanna watch me - "

"Jesus Christ. No. I have crap to do." I nudge the box out of the way with my foot, pulling another one in closer. I never realized how much junk I had accumulated over these four short years in the tiny cell of a room.

"I'm just trying to be persistent here." Hailey butts out her cigarette. "You usually give in."

"You've put me in a bad mood." I grouch, dumping the entire contents of the drawer straight into the box.

"Well, excuuuuse me." She stands up dramatically, giving me the eye. She won't admit it readily, but Hailey's pretty perceptive. "You okay, Davies?"

"Not particularly."

"You should be psyched. No more book crackin'." She pulls out another cigarette, packing it against her wrist. I hate that.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm psyched." I grumble, aware that I'm being a complete and utter party pooper. Suddenly I'm in a funk, and I know exactly why.

Hailey gives me one last look, slouching as she walks toward the door. "I'ma peace out. Later." She sticks the cigarette in her lip and disappears out into the hallway.

"Bye." I mutter, peering into my side of the closet. "When the hell did I get so many boots?" I grab them, pair by pair, and chuck them into the box. Usually I'd be neater, but now I'm just in the mood to sleep.

I fill the storage box up halfway before I allow myself to sigh, lower my body onto my bed, and close my eyes. My mind is elsewhere, thanks to that damn photo.

_Spencer's a fast runner. That's one of the things I like about her. She can keep up. _

_I invited her over for dinner, and she kept my Mom smiling the whole time, talking a mile a minute about Ohio, how things were back there. My Mom never smiles that much when I talk to her, but it's okay, because when I talk to Spencer, she smiles tons._

_We become fast friends. I know everything secret nook and cranny of the complex, and Spencer never tires of adventures. I tell her about the broken washer, third one in the line, that steals quarters and warn her not to use it. She nods solemnly, like I told her a great secret. I teach her how to get free cokes from the vending machine downstairs. I show her how to use to speakerbox at the main entrance, in case she ever gets stuck on the wrong side of the gate. _

_I lead her up to the highest floor, and we drop pennies off one at a time. Spencer sometimes spits, and I tell her how gross it is and she just laughs like a maniac. One time she even got on the railing. I had to beg her to come down, and she only would when I called her Spencey, how she liked me to. I think those names are stupid, but they make her laugh._

_Spencer's very brave. I guess that's what I like best about her. _

_By the time her front teeth grow back in, and I've lost a few of my own, we're best friends. Spencey with her cutoff jean shorts and perpetually scabbed knees, and me, Ashee, always a little neater but with all the crazy idea, ones which Spencer's always ready to jump head first into. _

_Sometimes I tell my Mom stories about Spencer, when she's actually home, and she just shakes her head and calls us crazy. Sometimes, when she hears us running up and down the halls making a ruckus, feet carrying us as fast as they possibly could, she calls us a nuisance. We don't care; that's how we have our fun._

_Once when we were trying to coax Mr. Marshall's cat out of his front room window while he was sleeping, Spencer got a great idea and prompty forgot it. _

_"What was it?" I poked at her, while she was busy cooing at the cat. _

_"We need somethin'." She screws up her face, trying to remember. Then she turns to me. "What am I thinkin'?" She asks, like it was the most normal question in the world._

_I frown at her, and then shrug. "I dunno. We need some pieces of bologna?"_

_"Ashee!" She claps her hands together, excited in an instant, like she always is. "You're so smart, that's the same thing I was thinkin'."_

_"Really?"_

_She nods vigorously. "Mhm. Yep. Yep, now go get some of that bologna."_

_We never got that stupid cat to come out of the window before Mr. Marshall woke up and shooed us away, but from that point on, whenever one of us turned to the other and asked, "What am I thinking?" The other always had an answer, usually the right one, and that's just how things were._

_We are together day and night, and I'd never had a friend like that before. And with Spencer came her brother, Glen. And her Mom, Paula. She told me there was a Dad, but he wasn't there anymore. We grow into each other's lives like it was the most natural thing, and really, it was. _

_Things stay easy for a long time._

I open my eyes, feeling a bit groggy. I'd let my mind drift for far too long, and night had already fallen outside my window. Hailey's probably off somewhere doing whatever that girl does when I'm not around, and if I fall asleep early she can't beg me to come out with her again. She tends to do that.

I haul myself out of bed and finish what remained of what I had to do in a hurry, not doing a tidy job but a quick one nonetheless.

After I'm done, I fall back onto the bed, tearing the sheet off and covering myself with it. Sleep comes quickly, I'd had a hard day.

I don't think I have to tell you what I dreamed about.


	2. The Years Have Been Short

_"Come on, Button!"_

_"I'm really high!" Ten year old Spencer shouts from the very top of a swaying willow tree. She sounds scared, but also, exhilirated._

_"Please come down!"_

_She looks down at me with a devilish grin, and I can see excitement dance in her eyes. "Why do you call me Button?" She calls down, a question she loves to ask._

_"You're as cute as a button! Now come down!" I butter her up, because I know she'll come down faster. Sometimes she's too courageous for her own good. I peer up at the sky, and think it might start thundering. The sky's already a dangerous gray color, so of course Spencer picks this time to climb to the top of the largest tree we could find in the park._

_She usually does this, but she's never gotten this high before. _

_"These branches are pretty weak up here!" _

_"Spencer!"_

_"I might fall and die!" She teases, and even from down here on the ground, I can see her taunting face, her tongue sticking out just a little bit from the side of her mouth as she navigates the branches._

_"It's going to rain! Don't make me come up there!" I take a few steps toward the tree. She knows ever since I fell off of the top of that delivery truck two years ago I've sworn off height forever, having to spend six weeks in a thumb cast. I know she won't make me come get her._

_"Ashee, you'd never!" _

_I glare up at her. "What am I thinking?"_

_"You're thinking I'm crazy!" Spencer cracks herself up, but starts lowering herself. "I'm coming down, you worry wart."_

_"You do the stupidest stuff." I tell her, but I'm smiling the whole time now that I know she's a much safer distance to the ground. _

_She hops on the ground in front of me, absorbing the impact with her knees like any pro, and pats her hands off on her jeans. "You shouldn't be so afraid. You know I won't fall."_

_I hand her her hat, and she slides of on, sticking her ponytail through the hole. "One day you will. Then who am I gonna yell at, huh?"_

_She is unfazed by this. "I'm sure you'd still yell at me even if I was in a whole body cast!" _

_I make an offended face, letting her know how ridiculous this is. "I would not. I would tickle your feet with a feather." I let a slow grin cover my face. Spencer is deathly ticklish. _

_"You wouldn't." Spencer's eyes grow big with mock fear. Just then a loud crack of thunder rips the sky open, a rare sound for us California girls. We hardly ever get thunder in this small town. _

_"I so would!" I cry out, giving Spencer a small push and taking off. "Race you home, Spencey!"_

_"No fair! You cheated!"_

_The rain starts before we even get home. When we get there, covered in rainwater and trying to hide our grins, Paula shakes her head and throws us towels. She's used to us getting in messes like this._

_After we dry off, there's hot chocolate with marshmallows waiting on the balcony. Spencer gives me her marshmallows, like always, because she thinks they're too sweet. We squeal in delight and a little bit of fear every time the lightning strikes, safe from the rain and thunder on the balcony._

I hate it when I dream of Spencer.

I roll out of bed, untangling myself from the sheet, and look at the bed next to me. Hailey is passed out, and I'm sure if I sniffed her sleeping form she'd reek of stale cigarettes and alcohol. Most likely gin, she's a gin drinker.

I opt not to, and instead nudge her with my foot. "Wake up." I rub the sleep out of my own eyes, and she slowly comes to, shooting me a look out of one bloodshot orb.

"What do you freakin' want at 9 in the freakin' morning?"

"Let's get the hell out of here." The dorm room is empty, and a little bit cold. I know we should be getting an early start, anyways. Today is the day we're moving into our new apartment across town, the very heart of LA. A bit pricey, but nothing's really too expensive when you're the daughter of dead rock legend, Raife Davies.

He left me basically everything he had, which is definitely enough to let me move anywhere I want to and not have to worry about it. I don't spend much on myself - Hailey would call me frugal - but I did splurge on a beautiful loft.

"Bring the truck around." I go to the counter and toss her the keys, trying to keep my mind off the dream I'd just had. Thunderstorm watching with Spencer, way back in the old days. The good days.

Hailey catches the keys sleepily, crawling out of bed like a wounded animal. "I'm not hauling anything. You haul your own damn boxes, I hauled mine."

"Calm down, I've got some sophomore guys coming up to play pack mule for me." I lean against the wall, watching her slap her cheeks lightly, waking herself up. A quick stretch and an even longer yawn, and she mumbles something and is out the door.

I line up the boxes by the door and bring my cell phone to my ear, dialing the number of the burliest guys that I had at my disposal. I think Hailey slept with one of them her junior year, I couldn't really remember which one. But they were there in an impressive amount of time, considering it was morning.

I'm left alone in my room, again. The wooden floor, empty walls. Devoid of life now that they were moving out, waiting for more student bodies to make it active once again.

I remember when these four walls were new to me. The first month or so of my first year, I'd spend every night staring at them, hating them. They weren't where I should be. I should be somewhere else, with someone else.

Spencer goddamn Carlin. Besides myself, she's the other major player in my life. Or, my life from the ages of 6 to eighteen. Eleven long years. We fused ourselves together from the second we met, joined ourselves at the hip willingly. Everyone saw, everyone accepted that we came as one. We were a packaged deal, and after a certain amount of time, it was expected.

We finished each other's sentences, knew what the other was thinking and still managed to be vastly different.

I can still pluck memories out of my mind, times I've neatly filed away in my brain, whenever I want to remember. Remember...

_Spencer was squeezing my hand so hard it almost hurt. "Spencey..."_

_"He's behind the tree." Spencer's voice was low, afraid. Her eyes were glued to the TV screen. _

_My eyes darted from her to the TV, the darkened screen where the horror movie, some bloody slasher massacre flick, was playing. _

_Her hand constricted around mine, tighter. "He's totally coming!" She whispered, body tensing with fright._

_She knew the scare was coming, but she kept her eyes trained in the direction of the TV. Her eyes got wider and wider in horrified anticipation. _

_A loud noise marked the appearance of the large, hulking mass with some kind of awful torture instrument. Before he could hack away at the hapless teens, Spencer buried her face in my shoulder, squeezing her eyes shut. "Ohmygod!"_

_I immediately brought both hands around to cover her, comfort her. Fictional scares were the only kind that would get to Spencer. I was afraid of the dark, sea monsters in the lake, closets late t night, being locked outside by Spencer's older brother, Glen, after dark. But horror movies never scared me the way they did Spencer, and they were the only time our roles were reversed, and I told her very gently not to be scared._

_"Do you want me to turn it off?" I asked her._

_She shook her head firmly, forcing herself out of my arms and making herself turn back to the TV. "'s not that scary." She muttered, believing no self respecting girl of eleven should be frightened by such things. But she scooted a little closer to me. I covered both of us up with the blanket and leaned back. _

_Spencer refused to turn it off, and I never refused her when she needed to squeal into my neck, the movie a little too scary for her to handle. _

"This is the last box."

I was snapped out of my thoughts by a strapping young man holding my box on his shoulder, gesturing downstairs. "This is the last box. Hail said to send you down."

"Hail, huh?" I smirked. This must be the one she slept with.

"Uh, yeah. You're all ready to go."

"Thanks a lot...Hey, here." I reached for my purse, pulling out my wallet. No good deed should go unpaid, that's my motto. It's hard to find nice around here.

"Oh, no way man. A favor for a friend." He tried to deny her, shifting weight while holding the box.

"Nonsense." She wasn't really a great friend of his, anyways. "No good deed should go unpunished, especially this early in the morning."

He smiled at her as she shoved a handful of bills in his backpocket - a very generous tip. She could afford it.

"Thanks, then." He shrugged and ambled down the stairs. She followed him, turning around only once to glance back at her dorm room.

It hadn't been all that bad, really. It could, in all reality, have been a lot worse.

The room smelled a bit like old books and cigarette smoke with a touch of cinnamon essence - my incense. I took one long wiff, and scuffed my foot on the floor one last time.

I closed the door.


	3. A Little Change Never Hurt

_"Hold still." _

_I fidget against the mascara applier in Spencer's hand, making her smudge it. _

_"Ashee! You made me smudge!"_

_"This is stupid." I grumble, wriggling around on Spencer's toilet, sitting crosslegged. She peered intently at my face, licked her index finger, and fixed whatever smudge was there. "Let's go play video games with Glen."_

_"Nuh uh." She shook her head, bringing out her Mom's blush that was kept in the drawer by the sink. "I'm gonna put blush on you."_

_"Why?"_

_"It'll bring out your cheeks."_

_Spencer said this as if she knew what it meant. Her Mother had gotten her a subscription to Cosmo in the beginning of the summer before we were set to start junior high. Suddenly, she'd lost the baseball cap, which had once been her signature accessory, and ditched her ripped up jeans. _

_Now, she was wearing capris in bright colors, dainty sandals, and applying lip gloss. I was at a loss. Her next endeavor was to try and doll me up in bothersome makeup._

_"Here, come look in the mirror." She got me up by the hand, pulled me over to the sink, and stood behind me as we both looked at my face. I wasn't impressed, in fact, I thought I looked far too shiny._

_But Spencer's eyes sparkled, and a smiled played on her lips as she watched my face in the mirror. "What am I thinking?" She whispered in my ear, eyes glued on my mirror image._

_"I look beautiful?" I guessed, biting my lip. Her face evaporated in a toothy smile, and she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek._

_"Exactly right."_

_"Can I wash this stuff off now?" I asked, hopeful. _

_"Sure." She handed me a wash rag from the cabinet and stood behind me. "Don't scrub too hard, or you'll make your skin all red."_

_I happily turned the water on, dousing my face with soap. _

The long car drive gave me time - too much time - to dwell on my own thoughts. We pulled up outside our new home. Atleast for now it was.

Furniture had already been ordered. I'd thought ahead to everything we would need and bought it without a second thought. I would not make this a chore for myself, I just wanted a place I could call my own as quickly as possible.

And as we brought our boxes up, looking around the loft, I thought that I had done a pretty good job. We spent the day scattering our things throughout the living room and our bedrooms. Putting our books on already purchased and placed bookshelves, throwing our sweaters and jeans in the closet to be hung up later. Knick knacks went on the shelf, and then we hooked up the most important thing - the stereo.

We threw our pillows on our beds and cranked up the volume so that we could hear it even in our separate rooms.

"Ashley!"

"What?" I called from my own room.

"This kicks ass!"

I laughed out loud, giddy even lying down. "It so does!"

Listening to the music, enjoying my happiness for a few seconds, I once again let myself drift off.

_I couldn't tell you exactly when it happened. I think it would be doing a great disservice to tell you it happened all at once, in a split second. Because that's just not the case. _

_School started, and middle school is a much bigger place. We clung to each other, life rafts for the other in a sea full of unfamiliar faces. Spencer had always been bold, but lately she'd been retracting into herself, being a little bit more shy. She giggled a lot more, not her old, maniacal giggle that I loved, but a more reserved, girly giggle. I did not approve. _

_She started wearing perfume, and doing her hair. I approved. I noticed Spencer looked great with her hair up and out of her face. And hey, when she didn't wear the ball cap I could see her eyes a lot easier. I enjoyed it._

_I, on the other hand, was growing breasts. I would stand in front of my bedroom mirror while Spencer sat on my bed, and I would analyze my body from every angle._

_"Should I tape 'em down?" _

_"Why would you do that?" Spencer asked._

_I shrugged, cupping the tiny, sore bumps through my shirt. "I don't know. They're not too...practical."_

_"Give them to me if you don't want them." She said with a laugh, looking at me strangely. _

_"I would if I could." I turned around, sighing and flopping down on the bed next to her. "They hurt."_

_"They do?" She seemed interested._

_"Yeah, they're sore like, all the time." I sprawled on my back, staring at my ceiling. Spencer stared at my chest like it was a crossword puzzle. _

_"I'm totally flat. I'd trade you in a second." She looks back up at me, then looks away quickly. Is she blushing? Or is it the makeup?_

_"Like I said..." I say, still watching her. "I would if I could. Maybe if you invent a boob swapping ray, then we'd be in business."_

_This gets her giggling a little, a bit like her old self, always laughing a little too loud. "Yeah, I'll get to work on that."_

"You dropped your picture."

I open my eyes to find Hailey waving a picture of Spencer in front of my face. That same damn picture. Maybe I should burn it.

I snatch it away and put it in the drawer next to my bed, closing it loudly.

Hailey drops onto my bed, squirming around in a stretch. "She's cute."

"She's okay." I fluff my pillow, wondering why Hailey is even talking about her at all. It's just a stupid photo. Maybe she sees how unnerved I get when she brings it up.

"Ex girlfriend, huh?"

I just shake my head slowly. No. "No. She wasn't...anything."

_Spencer didn't have to worry about her chest for too long. The boob swapping ray turned out not to be necessary, as the beginning of the very next summer Ashley started to notice Spencer's chest growing at an alarming rate. _

_"Spencer, your chest is exploding." Those had been her exact words, sitting at a park bench in their bathing suits, catching a tan._

_"Isn't it great!" Spencer looked down at them, clutching them gently in her hands. "I'm totally excited." She wore a wicked grin._

_"They're not that great." I managed to grumble, tearing my eyes away from Spencer's ever expanding busom. Lately it's been a little difficult to look at her, I find myself staring for too long. I don't know why. Maybe it's this period thing. I just got mine a few months ago._

_Spencer was actually disappointed I started before she did. I told her she was crazy. _

_"So do you want to go to the movies tonight?" Spencer asks, kicking my shin lightly under the table. _

_"Not really." _

_"Oh, come on, Ashee!" She picks up my hand, examining my nails. For all of her newly discovered girliness, Spencer could never stop biting and picking at her nails. And for all my hatred of all things glittery and shiny, I kept my nails well kept and pretty. _

_Spencer's taken a habit of running her thumb over the nails of my hand, almost stroking them. I find this very strange, she does it without seeming to notice. I definitely notice, as she offhandedly picks up my hand and rubs her forefinger and thumb over my ring finger nail. This will be something she does well into our teenage years, almost as a comforting tic._

_I try to ignore it. "No." I swallow. "I have homework and I have to be in bed early."_

_"No you don't." She's still got my hand. _

_I insist that I do, and she's disappointed. I hated disappointing her, but lately, it's very strange to be in her presence. A few minutes later, she gives me my hand back and we walk home, bumping into each other and nudging each other like we always do, eventually lacing arms without thinking about it. _

_That night she used her key to my apartment and, careful not to wake my Mother, slipped into my bed with a back of Gummi Worms and a scary video under her shoulder, giving me the puppy dog eyes. _

_I had to oblige. I always did. And she always got scared, that never changed. I like that._

"You're faraway."

"Yeah..." I blink a few times, sigh, then turn to Hailey. I've been in the strangest, most nostalgic of moods. "Wanna order a pizza or something?"

"One large...cheese?" Hailey guesses, our drunk munchies food of choice for going on three years.

Ashley needed some comfort food.

"Extra cheese."


	4. Girls Don't Like Boys

_"Spencer, you have really got to lay off those scary movies." _

_This is the second time this week she's crawled into my bed, curled up against me, and murmured something about Leatherface being outside her window._

_"I like 'em..." She tells me sleepily, and I just sigh, rolling over and wrapping a friendly arm around her so she is't so scared. _

_"I know, but you just aren't as tough as you think." My voice has a teasing edge to it, and I see Spencer open her eyes to me in the dark. It's a school night, we've got a day full of eighth grade classes tomorrow, but I don't mind talking. _

_Especially when she's this close to me. We've always been close to each other, cuddlers in every sense of the word and not afraid to mold ourselves to each other. But it's been so different lately. I'm afraid to think why._

_"You'll always protect me though." Spencer begins rubbing her fingers lightly up and down my shoulder absentmindedly. "Always have. Leatherface is no match for you."_

_"Not even close." I huff bravely, and Spencer just stifles a giggle of hers straight into my neck. I take a deep breath, fighting a smile in the dark. She doesn't know what she does to me anymore. Everything is different, and I'm not sure she knows it yet. _

_Our bodies changed over those three long middle school years. Spencer grew up long and tall, shooting up over the summer before eight grade. Her hair got even blonder, if that's possible, and she's gotten a lot better at putting on makeup. She's gorgeous, and even if I've always known it, others are starting to notice it, too. _

_But I don't think people notice the way I blush, just a tiny bit, when she grabs my hand to lead me somewhere, just like she's done forever. Or how I have to force myself to look away everytime we peel our clothes off in front of each other, something we've never been shy about doing. Or tonight, how I had to thank the darkness for hiding my grinning face when she slid into bed next to me, a move she's done about a million times now, or when she scooted up close to me and I could tell, just tell, she needed to be comforted._

_We read each other like a book with well worn pages, know each other like the backs of our own eyelids, and I'm frightened that she's going to notice the way I look at her before I have a chance to figure it out._

_She presses a tired kiss into my cheek and she's asleep before I can even close my eyes._

The first night in my new apartment was uneventful, if not enjoyable. No sound of creaky dorm pipes waking me up, no trampling of loud feet out in the hallway. I knew I would love living in my large, if almost bare, apartment.

I woke up with a slight stomach ache, having devoured countless slices of pizza and enjoying more than quite a few beers. Hailey had already gone, I think to her opening shift at the coffee shop, leaving me with a cramped belly, cold pizza, and my own thoughts.

I wandered the halls of my new apartment for a while, savoring the smell and look of things, before settling back onto my bed.

I reached out and pulled the drawer open before I knew what I was doing. The picture of Spencer was just an okay one. It makes me think I should have saved a better capture. She's caught off guard in the middle of our tenth grade english class, staring quizzically at the camera. I laughed at her when I took it, telling her she should pay more attention to class. She was offended for only a second before I kissed her quickly on the forehead and promised her I was kidding.

I chose to believe she just liked my kisses, as I don't think she was that offended by my comment.

_She was getting bolder. As kids, we bit each other's cheeks, blew raspberries into the other's stomach, wrestled like crazy. As we got a bit older, these things gave way to more subtle maneuvers. We kissed cheeks, we pressed lips to foreheads and held hands, wrestling gave way to snuggling each other like pillows. _

_Spencer didn't seem to give a second thought to this, grabbing my hand in the hallways of school and kissing my palm. I stuttered out an insult, just like I would have in the old days, only this time she gave me a look of sly knowing. She's been doing that a lot lately. _

_She knows things have changed, now. The air between us is different, things are more delicate. We can still spend hours, waste our night and days talking to the other about the most innocuous of things. The subject of boys has - surprisingly - not come up. We discuss what we want for our future. Spencer wants to be an artist, a painter. She's been scratching pictures into sand at the beach and putting crayon to construction paper for as far back as I can remember, and I think it suits her. She's got artist's hands, despite her short, hacked nails. _

_I tell her I want to be some kind of success, but I'm not sure what. I'm only sure I want her around. She massages my shoulders and tells me she's sure I'll be great, whatever it is. I hope she's right, because she sounds so sure. _

_I love it when she does this, reaches and digs her fingers into my back softly. She's got artist's hands, and also masseuse's hands. "Mmm." I groan appreciatively. "I never get tired of Spencey massages."_

_"Good, there's more where this came from." She tells me happily. This statement probably doesn't sound to her like it sounds to me, and I flip over to stare at her, lying on my back._

_"Want me to do you?" I ask, trying to think of anything to say and ignoring the fluttering in my stomach. Trying to, atleast. I've done this before, this thing where I'm stuck to her eyes and I know she notices, and she only does it back and smiles brilliantly. Those toothy, beaming Spencer smiles._

_"Nah, you're no good." She finally says, falling onto the bed next to me and resting her head on my shoulder. _

_I sigh and lean my cheek against the top of her head, a perfectly naturally thing to do. Without thinking, I bring my head up and deliver a quick kiss to the very top of her forehead without hesitation. _

_I've been doing things like that more and more. Before I can think of what a weird, instinctual thing that was to do, Spencer just looks up at me and smiles contentedly, settling herself deeper into me. _

I close my eyes shut tight against this memory, hating the way I can still feel her mold to my body. It's still morning, I can smell the dew coming in through the open window, even in the fifth story.

I've already opened this pandora's box of memories, and thought I have once again put the picture away where I can't see it, I can't stop the flood in my mind, and this time, I don't want to.

_Summer before high school was an eventful one. We spent every waking moment, together, of course, but it was also the summer that sealed us together forever._

_It was set in my mind what I wanted: Spencer. I was positive of this fact everytime I saw the girl I had known since childhood, everytime I walked the halls of the apartment complex with her. I had spent the best parts of my years in this exact place, with Spencer, and every different place was infused with a memory of her. Always a good one, because there were no bad Spencer memories. Well, maybe a few. _

_We were sitting in Spencer's kitchen, a hot summer day, and she was painting my nails. She loved doing my nails, and I let her, because I liked it when she touched my hand. She knew I could no longer deny her anything, if I ever could. _

_"Do you like the color?" I watched her carefully apply light pink polish to my nails._

_She looks up at me for a second, hovering the brush over my pinky. "It looks great. Especially on you. I love your nails."_

_"I know." I bit my lip to hide a smile. She shakes her head lightly, laughing only a little. She knows I know. _

_"I wish I could stop biting mine. They look so gross." _

_"Nothing about you is gross, Spencey." I let her know carefully. _

_"Yeah?" Her eyes dazzle as she glances at me. I catch this before she turns back to the work at hand. _

_I lick my lips. "You're - "_

_"You two girls painting each other's nails?" Paula Carlin's voice interjects from above us. Spencer smears it, startled._

_"Aw, damn, Mom. You made me smear." She licks her thumb and begins fixing her mistake._

_"Don't swear, Spencer." Paula says mildly. She knows Spencer can't help it sometimes. _

_"No, Paula, Spencer's just doing my nails. She has an obsession." I'm playful as I say it, and Paula grins. I can sense Spencer rolling her eyes, I don't have to look._

_"Well, you two girls are going to be quite the pair this year, aren't you?"_

_"I guess so." Spencer drawls, putting the finishing touches on._

_"The boys are gonna be knocking the doors down." Paula jokes, leaving the room. _

_Spencer looks up for a second, appearing a tiny bit sad at her Mom's retreating figure. Then her eyes meet mine and I offer her a helpful, adorable smile. "The nails look pretty."_

_She holds my wrist nicely and blows a little on my nails, drying them. "You think the boys are gonna wanna date me?" She tries to sound casual. Neither of us have dated boys before, and it's never come up. _

_I couldn't really care less._

_"I think...well, do you wanna date boys?" I swallow. She's still blowing on my nails. _

_"Don't you?" _

_I try not to look so conflicted, and when I meet her eyes, I just shrug, hapless. "I don't know. I'm only fourteen."_

_Spencer drops my wrist. "You don't think about boys, ever?"_

_I shrug again, not wanting to lie. "No." I say simply. _

_She holds my gaze, and I think Spencer knows what that means. _

_"You know?" I press, peering down at my nails. "I just...don't."_

_"Yeah." She nods slowly, using her pinky to hook mine. She can't touch my nails, because they're still wet, so my hand is just dangling from hers. We both stare, heads tilting. "I get it."_

_Something inside of me feels very warm, and now I think Spencer knows for sure. I don't think about boys. I think about Spencer. _

It's not longer morning. The afternoon sun is high.

I have no job, no more school, and nothing really to worry about.

I turn on my stereo and drown the world out.


	5. This Is Who I Know I Am

_I came out a few weeks before we started high school. I don't remember telling my Mom, or anyone else. I just remember sitting under my sheet with Spencer, in a dark room, illuminated by a single flashlight lighting up our faces._

_We sat inches away from each other, hiding smiles and sharing secrets. The sleepover was Spencer's idea, claiming they didn't spend enough time with each other. She said this with a tiny smirk, knowing there's no way that was true. We'd become impossibly close these past few months, what we considered the last summer of our childhood. _

_We held hands when no one was looking, something we'd never done before. Sure, we held hands all the time, but now we felt like it was something we should hide. When she nuzzled her head against my shoulder, her small sigh now meant something else. _

_When she looked at me, it was a mutual understanding. It was just something that happened, this crazy attraction that came about one summer and hit us both very hard. We became strangely dependant, always touching, leaning on each other and finishing the other's sentences. People laughed, people noticed, and we openly didn't care at all. Still, I don't think we made the connection in our own heads - we were nothing more than friends, and all of this was perfectly normal. _

_We knew things were not the same but we were hardly ready to accept what it was now. So we just ran with it. Gentle flirting we never knew we were doing segued into a deep, unwavering bond and inexplicable attraction. And it was okay._

_"How excited are you excited for school?" Spencer asks, her voice dancing with excitement in a whisper._

_I just shrug, eyes glued to her face. The light shines on her at a perfect angle, all the beautiful shadows only enhancing her hold on me. _

_"It's going to be so great. We should join like, clubs or something. Maybe I'll join theatre." Even though her tomboy ways have long since faded, her yearning for adventure, jumping headfirst into something new, has never faltered. She's still the same girl with sparkling eyes, ready for anything._

_"That would be awesome." I say, running one finger along the cap of her knee, keeping her gaze. "You sing like a freakin' bird."_

_"A bird?"_

_I curl my lips into a smile, "It's a compliment, Spencey."_

_"I know, stupid." She take my hand in hers, running a single finger along my thumbnail over and over, calming herself. "What are you going to do?"_

_"In school?" She nods. I think about it. "I don't..know. Probably just follow you around. The usual."_

_"Aw. Just the way I like it." Spencer almost purrs this, her voice making my stomach do flip flops. I suddenly feel like taking advantage of this moment, the sort of which have been happening with greater and greater frequency these days. I know how she will react already._

_"Can I tell you something?"_

_She gives me a face that tells me all I need to know. Of course I can tell her something. "Anything." _

_I take my hand away and take a deep breath. At this, she frowns, reaching for my hand again. "It's about me." I say quietly, as I relent and let her take my hand. She cocks her eyebrow just a little, showing me she's nervous. _

_I sigh. I don't want to say it. I don't want to speak the obvious, what she already knows. But I know it's something that needs to be spoken. She nibbles at her lip with her front teeth, watching me. I watch her lip. "What am I thinking, Spencey?"_

_I look at her, opening my thoughts to her. She reads my eyes for a long time, never releasing my hand. "Ashee..."_

_"What am I thinking?"_

_Spencer lets out a long, deliberate breath. There's a strange tension in the air, and thought I know she knows, now I'm not so sure how she will react. I do know, however, that she won't break the rules we've created when we were little. She knows what I'm thinking, and she will answer. _

_Spencer looks resigned, and I'm begging her with my eyes. She lets go of my hand, setting it in my lap, and speaks. "You're gay."_

_It's the first time I can remember not being able to read her voice. She flings the sheet off of us, and I shut the flashlight off, not sure what's going on. _

_"Let's watch a movie." Spencer jumps out of the bed, walking woodenly over to the bookshelf and picking up the bloodiest, grossest movie I own. _

_"Spencer...Maybe we shouldn't - "_

_"I want to watch this." _

_"You've seen it like, a thousand times."_

_She just shrugs, almost discernable in the dark. Stubborn Spencer._

_"You're going to have nightmares, you idiot." _

_She's sticking the movie into the VCR, and looks back at me once. "You're going to be here, right?"_

_"You know I will." _

_She pops it in defiantly. I roll my eyes at her in the dark, though my heart's still beating from out last conversation. _

_The creepy credits starts, and Spencer brings the blanket up to her chin, looking at me cutely and burrowing into my side. _

_I hesitate. _

_"You can wrap your arm around me, Ashley." She says, like I'm stupid. I hear a sense of teasing in her voice._

_"You're not...you don't, uh.."_

_She shakes her head against my shoulder, both of our eyes trained on the screen. "I don't care that you're gay." She enunciates very clearly. _

_That's all I needed to hear. Acceptance from my best friend, everything else would be a piece of cake. That's the only night she held me during the scary parts._

No one else was shocked when I came out. No one seemed surprised, but they all cast sidelong glances at Spencer. It wasn't until later that I would understand why.

Thank God my phone snapped me out of those thoughts.

"Hello?"

My voice was hollow into the phone. It was my Mother on the other end of the line, and I wasn't especially jazzed to talk to her. Haven't seen her in years, I can't really go back to that place. Not physically yet, anyway.

We talk, though. She usually calls me when I want something. My Dad died when I was what, 3? fAnd she was waiting for my inheritance to come almost as impatiently as I was. Not that we weren't fairly well off, but my receiving that money really put us up into the crazy riches, and it opened up tons of opportunities for her.

And myself, I was reminded, glancing around my bare but beautiful loft. I enjoyed the lonely feeling. I was used to it.

"You don't sound happy to see me."

"How's Florida?" I ignored her obvious baiting and asked her what I knew she wanted to talk about.

"Simply beautiful. The location is magnificent, things are really looking well." She didn't mention the "loan" and I specifically didn't want her to. We knew it wasn't a loan. She would open up the hotel in Florida and never pay me back, and I would never mention it again. I had no problem with that. Money was no object, and it made her happy.

"That's good." I said lamely, not really interested in any conversation she wanted me to have.

"Construction is underway, you know. We're nearly finished, looking for chefs. Managers." She gushed.

"Of course. Well, good luck."

"Thank you, dear. But that's why I called."

I was silent, letting her speak, praying she'd get to the point soon. My patience was thin this morning, my own thoughts weighing heavily on me.

"We have a wonderful job opening that I know you'd be just great for." She began, talking quickly. "Service Manager. It's right up your alley, wouldn't you say?"

I wet my mouth with a quick sip of water, frowning. "How is that right up my alley at all?"

"Well, what are you doing these days?"

I looked around at my bare walls, drinking them in. "Stuff."

"I just want you to think about, it honey." She knew I didn't need a job, or the money. I wondered what she was up to.

"Why?" Was all I could think to ask.

"It'll give you a direction in life, Ashley. Somewhere to start. I've been worrying about you lately."

She didn't come to my graduation. She sent a postcard from Florida with a box of details about the hotel. I'd still be mad at her if I had any sense of anger toward her, not just indifference these days. "Yeah, well, don't."

I was prepared to hang up, when she said, "Please tell me you'll think about it."

"I don't promise, but maybe it'll cross my mind every now and then."

Offering me a job in a hotel I paid for. How rich. I heard her sigh before she hung up the phone, no goodbye. I was used to it.


	6. Let Me Know

"My Mom wants to give me a job in Florida."

"That hotel crap?" Hailey picks something out of her teeth with a fork, frowning at it.

"Yeah. The hotel crap." I echo. "Don't pick your teeth, that's disgusting."

She shrugs nonchalantly, tossing the fork on the sink with a clatter. "You gonna take it?"

"Probably not." I pick up the fork and toss it in the sink, leaning back and crossing my arms.

"You're thinking about it." She presumes.

"Not really." I play with my ear. "I just think..I don't know. Maybe she wants to see me? Maybe she finally..."

"Cares?"

I roll my eyes despondantly, not like the way that sounds. Makes me sound needy. "No, but she's making an effort, atleast." I try to be proud of her, but can't see a motive.

"Some effort." Hailey scoffs, whipping off her apron. She's just gotten home from work, and she looks tired. She worked a double shift and showed up with a twelve pack. "Beer you?"

"No. I'm just..."

"Weird day." Hailey surmises easily, cocking a single eyebrow.

I let my sigh answer her, and bury my face in my hands as she grabs a beer and sits across from me, drinking it in silence.

I feel free and unproductive, like I'm completely standing still.

_A week into the new school year, everyone's heard the news. You'd think people would have better things to worry about, but no._

_It spread, but I'm not sure how. Ashley Davies, dyke. Ashley Davies, newly out. I got the stares. Spencer, completely tuned into me, noticed them. But she pretended not to. She still let me walk her to class, still held my hand and played with my nails. Still gave me butterflies, knowing she was doing it. _

_I let her, because I loved it._

_It was a completely new energy around high school. More people, larger school. People were meaner, too. More standoffish except when they had something rude to say to your face. _

_"Lunch today?" Spencer asked me quickly, ready to head into her science building. _

_"Uhhh..." I peered down at her hand, silently grappling with mine between our bodies. I don't know why she feels the need to do this in front of everyone, but I'll never tell her not to. "Of course. I'll get the ham..."_

_"I'll get the cheese." She finished with a fast wink, an old joke we used to tell._

_"Meet me by the water fountains, 'kay?"_

_She leans forward and presses a kiss into my cheek, catching my eyes for a split second before she disappears into the doors. _

_That day at lunch, Spencer's trying to work out some difficult math problems. I lean over her, sitting on the table, and put my chin on the top of her head. "It's four, Button."_

_"Four?"_

_I nod, smelling her hair. "X is four."_

_"How?"_

_I bring my hands to rest on her shoulders out of habit, telling her in a low voice how I solved the problem. _

_"So, six times what is twenty four?" I ask, rubbing her shoulders gently for encouragement. _

_She groans out loud. "Four."_

_"That's it." I tell her, nudging her arm so she writes it down._

_"That's it?" She peers up at me, surprised. "I feel like a ditz."_

_"I never liked you for your brains." I inform her, blowing her hair into her face. She disarms me qith a fast smile. _

_She's never been good at math. She's a great speller, and she can read the hell out of any story, but math is a language she was never great at deciphering. Good thing I'm there to help._

_"Spencer, right?"_

_I look up to see a cheerleader with a strong smirk and an even stronger hip displacement problem, judging by the way she was standing, glaring at Spencer. _

_Spencer gives me a quick alarmed look, then looks back to the girl. "Madison?"_

_"From computer science class, yeah." Madison sticks an overeager hand out to Spencer, shaking it firmly. "You said you wanted to try out for cheer."_

_"I did." Spencer admits quietly, not looking at me. "What's up?"_

_"Well..." Madison, whom I already don't like, peers at me. At my hand on Spencer's shoulder, the intimate way we're sitting. "Is this your, uh..."_

_I instantly realize the thought running through her head, and how she wants to hurt Spencer with her words. But Spencer cuts her off before she can, "This is my friend - my best friend Ashley." _

_Madison doesn't say a word to me, but Spencer hops off the bench, suddenly embarassed. _

_"Sure she's just a friend?" Madison looks at me, unimpressed, then back to Spencer. She's messing with Spencer. _

_"Spencer, let's - " I stand up, too, but Spencer cuts me off._

_"I'm sure." Spencer shoots daggers at Madison, who laughs, then flips her hair and stomps off. Spencer watches her go, not quite sure what happens._

_It wasn't a big event, but it's what started it all. Spencer looked at me and for a second she looked like a stranger. "She thought I was your girlfriend." I joke weakly, trying to find her eyes._

_"Yeah." She attempts a smile, but fails miserably, then goes to sit on the opposite side of the bench._

_"You want to try out for cheerleading?"_

_She nods, but that's it. I decide to stop talking about that, she clearly doesn't want to continue. Something's wrong, I can tell._

_"You need some more help with your math, airhead?" I cover her hand that's sitting on the table with me, giving it a squeeze to let her know I'm just joking. _

_She snatches her hand back. "I think I have it figured out."_

_I don't say anything else. She's hurt me, and the worst part is, she's aware of it._

"I'm going out."

"What? Where?" I bring my head up, shocked to find I was almost sleeping with my forehead on the marble counter. Hailey's done with her beer and is spinning it on the countertop.

"I don't know, out. You're being all moody and distant." She picks a pack of cigarettes out of her front pocket.

"Yeah right." I grab them, tossing the back on the table. "That's what we have a balcony for. And I'm always moody and distant, don't act like it bothers you now."

Hailey stands up in a huff so she knows I'm bothering her, grabbing her cigs and dramatically throwing her jacket on. "You wanta come?"

"Where are you going?"

"Jeez, man, I don't know. Out. See some lights, damn. You in?" She's growing impatient with me, I can tell.

Lights do not sound good right now. They might shake my from the funk I'm in, but I don't think I want to shake it. I've still got a lot to dwell on, and I can't stop now.

"Go." I shoo her away with a hand. She slinks out of the room, but not before throwing me a look over her shoulder. She'll expect an explanation soon.

_Things didn't change at first, not a lot. She just stopped being so close to me during school hours, where people would openly ask her what her orientation was, why she was always holding my hand, was I her girlfriend?_

_She was clearly unnerved by this, and slowly, things began to get different, like the steady change of the season. At first, she would drop my hand when people looked. Then she stopped lacing her arm through mine before class. No more kisses on the cheek. Atleast when people were around. _

_Maybe that's what hurt the most. In the course of a few months, just because of a couple of strange looks and comments, she made our friendship seem like something that should be kept secret. _

_Just because I was gay, that didn't make her gay. I didn't quite understand, though I never voiced it. I'm sure she sensed my quiet, progressive heartbreak because when we were alone, she was sweeter than she'd ever been to me._

_She always stood up for me, though. She didn't stand for it for a single second when Madison would breeze by and utter something under her breath. It was a powerful return of old time Spencer, 8 year old Spencer who couldn't keep herself away from highest peak of any tree, or loved to spin around until she couldn't stand up straight._

_"Spencer." Madison walked by with a curt nod to Spencer, then leered at me. "Lezzie."_

_I opened my mouth, but before I could speak, Spencer, who definitely hadn't tried out for cheerleading once she learned how Madison busted on me so often, stepped in front of her. "What the hell is your problem?" _

_"Not with you, Spencer. Don't blow up, girl." As much as the popular freaks messed with me, they never messed with Spencer. _

_"You mess with her, you're messing with me. And I'm sick of it." She got up closer to Madison's face; anyone telling Madison off was unheard of. _

_"Spencer, you don't - "_

_"Leave her alone, or I'll pound your face into the cement." Spencer warned with a snarl, a warrior in pedal pushers. For an instant, Madison looked afraid._

_"Whatever, Spencer. You had potential, but if you're down with your friend here, you can't be down with us."_

_I put my head down, and started walking again. _

_Spencer pushed me inside the girl's bathroom, brushing hair out of my face. "Are you okay?"_

_"I'm fine." I said, shrugging away from her and going to look in the mirror. I didn't want to feel so ashamed. _

_"Don't listen to those people. They don't know you." Spencer appeared behind me, putting her hands on my shoulders and smiling softly._

_"Is that why you drop my hand whenever people are around? Because they don't know me? Or us?" I ask, dropping my gaze. Spencer doesn't speak._

_"I can feel you pulling away, Spencey. I - I don't like it. Tell me what's wrong." I turn around to face her. "Tell me what I did." No answer, and I feel very alone in this situation. "You're my friend, right? That's all I want." She knows it's not true, but I want her to play along. Please play along._

_She biting at her lip like crazy, looking very apologetic. "It's just..." She pulls me into a hug, I think, so she doesn't have to talk. I feel her press a long, warm kiss into my neck, and I know she's aware of me drawing in a quick breath. She knows what she does to me. _

_"Feel that?"_

_I nod, wrapping my arms around her and squeezing. _

_"I feel it too, Ash. But I...I can't. I shouldn't."_

_I pull back, frowning at her. Now I'm completely lost, no longer hurt. She's centimeters from my face, bringing a soft pad of her thumb up to graze my lips. "I want to so bad, Ashee. You know?"_

_I'm silent. This sounds like a confession. She's confessing something, and I think I know, now. I understand._

_"What am I thinking?" She urges, looking me intently in the eyes, pressing me towards an answer I can feel in my bones. I don't want to say it, because if I do, it'll hurt so much more when she pulls away._

_"What am I - "_

_"You love me." I concede softly, looking away. "I know."_

_She finally lets go of me. _


	7. On That You Can Rely

_"These shoes are killing me." I grumped, letting my legs go weak beneath me and falling onto Spencer's couch._

_"Thanks for going with me." Spencer's thankyou was voiced so sweetly it was more than enough payback for going to the stupid homecoming fair. "Aren't you glad you didn't ditch?"_

_"Well..." I leaned back, contemplating this. I eyed Spencer, looking nothing short of breathtaking in a powder blue sundress, and nodded. "I'd have to say it was an evening well spent."_

_She smiled at me cutely and sat down next to my feet, picking them up and plopping them in her lap. She started unlacing my boots, slowly. "I'm glad you think so. I had a lot of fun."_

_"Yeah?" I close my eyes._

_"Yeah, but mostly thanks to you." She pulls off the boot, then peels off my sock and reaches for my other one. "So I owe you."_

_"That's ridiculous, you don't owe me a thing.Your fun is my fun." I shift. "Although..."_

_She takes off my other boot. "Footrub?" She asks, reading my thoughts. _

_A grin happily as she begins kneading my feet with her fingers, working her palms into it. "Do you want to spend the night?"_

_I shake my head regretfully. "Can't. Promised my Mom I'd clean out her liquor cabinet." _

_"Seriously?" Spencer isn't sure whether to laugh or not._

_"Yeah. She cracked a bottle of wine and didn't bother cleaning it up. So I promised. It's how I got money for the fair."_

_"Sounds like blackmail." _

_I lean up on my elbows. "She is a business woman. One day," I put on my best selling grin, "I hope to be just like her."_

_Spencer begins cracking my toes. "You don't want to be like her."_

_"I'm just like her." _

_Spencer captures my gaze, shaking her head firmly. "You're nothing like her, Ashee."_

_I don't say anything, just drop back onto my back. Spencer sets my foot back down and a few seconds pass before I feel her crawl up the length of my body, not touching me, but I feel her face inches away, hovering above mine._

_I open my eyes and find myself staring directly into her eyes. "What're...you doing?" I manage to whisper. _

_"Ashley, you are gorgeous, hilarious, and loyal." Her nose brushes mine, making me smile a little. "I don't think you could be a better friend if you tried."_

_I don't say anything, just lie there, taking this in. I know she means every word because she's staring straight through my eyes, in the way that's making my breathing short. She's lost in the moment, too. Completely gone with me. _

_I reach up my hand and gently touch is flat to her back, gulping slightly. Her face softens impossibly, and then she shifts to move off of me. _

_"No." I hardly make a sound, but to my own ears I sound vulnerable. "Stay still..."_

_Her gaze flickers to my lips like that's where she'd been drawn all along, and she slowly drags them back up to my eyes. She leans all of her weight on one arm, bringing her right hand up slowly to press her fingertips over my chest, my heart._

_She licks her lips. "Your heart..." I know what she's going to say. It's beating like crazy. So I just nod and begin drawing circles into her bag with my hand. _

_Spencer leans down, and I feel a warm kiss half on my earlobe, half on my neck. I squeeze my eyes shut, pulling her close to me in a hug that pushes us together, feeling like I'm going a little bit crazy._

_And like that, the hug is over, and she's back at the foot of the couch. I sit up, running my hands through my hair and trying, impossibly, to collect my thoughts._

_"What was that?" I mutter, face now resting in my hands. "Spencey?" _

_I turn to her and she's just silently, watching me. I've never seen her look at me like that before, like she wants to cry. Her lip rattles a little, and I surge forward, afraid I've done something wrong._

_"What's wrong? Did I..."_

_"No." She stops me before I can ask anything. "It's not your fault."_

_"Spencer - "_

_"It's okay. It's okay, Ashley." She repeats this, like it's a mantra. _

_I look at her and shake my head miserably. "It's not okay." I say, voice choked with emotion. I swallow the lump in my throat. "I mean, what was that, Spencer?" I ask again, hoping for an answer this time._

_"I don't know, okay? I'm sorry." She starts shaking her head quickly and tries to stand up. I grab her hand._

_"Please don't do that. Please don't leave me right now." I realize her hand is shaking. "Talk to me."_

_"Don't do this right now, Ashee." She pleads with me, looking me straight in the eye. Her hair falls into her face adorably, making my stomach squeeze. How long has she been able to do this to me? It feels like my whole life, this feeling is so familiar._

_"Then when?" My voice shakes, but I keep it low. "Do what? I don't even know what to think sometimes, Spencer..."_

_"What do you think?" She asks, peering up at me. I look at her and try not to let my face fall. _

_I reach out and run a finger along her forehead, capturing the stray hair there and tucking it behind her ear. I give her the funniest look I can muster. "What am I thinking?" I say with a little laugh. A painful one._

_Spencer looks guilty. "I know." She looks down. "I do know."_

_I only nod. And then she looks up with glistening eyes. The moment feels so heavy. "I'm not brave like you, Ashee."_

_I shake my head a little, confused. "I don't get it...Brave?"_

_"We can't...be. We just can't be like I know...like I know we both want to be." She chooses her words carefully, her voice sounds ragged._

_I put my hand on her knee, out of habit, and try to clear my mind. She's thrown me for a loop, that much I can admit. I've never felt this much emotion trying to fly out of my before. I feel like smiling, crying, laughing, dancing. Kissing her._

_I pull my hand back and regard her, swallowing all my pride and fear at the same time. "Ever?"_

_Her shrug, which I know even to her must seem a little pathetic, makes my heart drop. She looks incredibly torn about things I now know I don't understand. _

_So I just stand up, not ready to cry in front of her. I don't know why I feel let down, I've never expected anything. It's strange to lose a hope you were never aware that you had, and it kind of hurts. _

_I walk stiffly to her door and don't turn around until I realize she's trying to stifle her own tears. I rush to her, dropping to my knees, forgetting everything. "Please don't cry." I hold her hair back out of her face, trying to find her eyes. "Spencey...Button, don't cry." _

_"I can't help it." Her face contorts, tears falling. "I hate this."_

_I don't have to tell her I do, too. "Maybe one day you can be brave, too, Spence."_

_She looks down at me. "I don't think so." She breathes. I drop my hand, and she grasps for it again. She needed something right now. A friend. Her best friend._

_I wish she would stop messing with my head. Then I feel horrible for even thinking that, because Spencer would never do that. _

_"I think..." I sort my thoughts out double time, not wanting to keep Spencer sitting there in her own misery. I want to make her feel better, even if it's at my own expense. I will keep doing this for her for years to come. "I think that's completely...fine."_

_She looks at me like she can't believe what I'm saying, but then a second later relief washes over her face in a desperate wave. Her eyebrow creases, and one side of her mouth is upturned in a tiny, almost imperceptible smile. _

_I bring her hand up to my lips, daring to kiss the back gently, and stand up. "You sure?" She asks uncertainly._

_"Never been surer." I give her my best confident nod, then let out a long sigh. I leave. _

_This is not the first time I put her feelings before mine, but its the one that burned the most. It does nothing but get harder from this night forward, and acting like things will turn out okay will be my most difficult trial._

We never talked about that night after it happened. It was just a quiet kind of understanding, one that no doubt brought us closer together, but also made us tragic figures in each other's life. The source of our clearest love was also a source of our strongest sorrow, and neither of us could do much to remedy this.

I'd laugh about it if it didn't hurt so damn much.

It's tough to be in tenth grade, completely in love with your lifelong best friend, and completely raw about it. But as bad as it was for me, I can't imagine how bad it was for Spencer. Because I felt no guilt.

I actually might be giving her a little too much credit, as I'm not sure she ever felt any guilt for what she did to me. Teenagers can be harsh sometimes, and they never play friendly when they're backed into a corner.

But I was getting ahead of myself. It must be this loft. I'm still getting used to it, but it must be something about these dark, wooden floors that bring out the memories that I've stashed away in the back of my mind, not even accessible on rainy days.

I sighed out loud, a long, melancholy sigh and actually jumped when Hailey appeared from around the corner, looking dressed to kill.

"You look like you've seen a ghost, yo." She jumps on the counter, looking at me funny.

"When did you get back?" I wrap my arms around myself. She doesn't know the half of it.

"While ago. Leavin' again." She says, short and sweet, and eyes me. "Wanna go?"

I feel shaken, being left along with my own thoughts. Sooner or later, I'm going to drown myself in them.

She gives me her best puppy dog look, something she doesn't do often. "Where you going?" I ask.

"Some club. New town, right? Let's go explore, roomie."

I consider this, biting on the inside of my cheek. "You're buying drinks?"

"I got mad tips yesterday..." She taps her chin. "Yeah. Sure. My treat, bitch."

I grin at her and knuckle her shoulder. "Wait for me to get dressed, bitch. Trust and believe, I'm gonna look good."

_"Spencer!" I'm giddy and laughing the whole way while she pulls me through the hallway by my hand. "We're so going to get in trouble for this!"_

_"I know a good spot where kids climb under the fence at lunch." She looks back at me and grins with a glint in her eye. I can do nothing but follow her._

_"We don't have to go, really." I'm telling her, but she's already halfway under the fence and I'm trying not to stare at her legs. _

_She rushes me, urging me to be careful, and soon, I'm on the opposite side of the fence, too. It's the first time either of us have ditched school, and Spencer has stolen her Mom's car and is ready to take me to gay pride. My first ever, at the tender age of 16. I owe it all the Spencer._

_"It's the last day, I know you want to go, and I'm not going to let you miss it!" She brushes off my back and leads me to the car, opening the door for me. _

_"We're going to get busted."_

_She starts the car and looks at me excitedly, roaring the engine. "No." She squeezes my hand. "We're going to have fun. We're going to celebrate - your pride."_

_We get there and have a hell of a time parking, but Spencer doesn't let go of my hand once as we make our way through the crowd, cheering on the festivities. We don't buy anything, no hat, no rainbow flags. We don't take any pictures, either. We just spend a quick day together, fall a little bit more in love with each other. I can't stop looking at her. _

_I pretended she was my girlfriend that whole day, holding her hand and glaring at anyone who checked her out. She was sweet and totally supportive, giving me quick kisses on the chin and sporadic hugs we both enjoyed a little too much._

_We get back to the apartment complex just before dark, and took time to sit on the steps and reflect on our day._

_"Think we're in trouble?" Spencer asks, and I lean my head on her shoulder, just now catching my breath from the day._

_"School probably called." I say. "Maybe we'll get grounded."_

_She gropes for my hand in the dark, finding a bit of calm in stroking my fingernails. Like always. "I don't think I care. Do you?"_

_"Did you have fun?" _

_I feel her nod. "Of course. Today was one of my favorite days."_

_I grin in the night. "Then no, I don't care. Let her ground me for the rest of the year."_

_Spencer laughs lightly. "That's the spirit."_

_We sit there in silence for a while, and the crickets start to chirp._

_"Ashee?"_

_"Button."_

_"Can I sneak into your bed tonight?"_

_It's a question she's been asking me all our lives, only less and less recently. Her voice is small, and instead of answering, I stand up and climb about two steps, holding my hands out behind me for her to grab. _

_She takes them, and follows me up the stairs, latched onto my hands. We reach our floor and before I can turn around, she has me in a deep hug, arms wrapped around my stomach. _

_I laugh lightly, stroking her arms with my hands, then turn around in her embrace. "If you're going to crash my one woman sleeping party, try not to wake me up. Some of us need our beauty sleep."_

_"As if." Her hold around me tightens, then she loosens her grip. "I'll see you later then, okay? I had the best day ever." She presses a palm flat against my chest, something we do when we're trying to convey sincerity to the other. When we were little, we called it 'Cross YOUR heart and hope to die'. I guess it made us laugh._

_I put my hand over hers. "Yeah. Goodnight, Spencey."_

_I can't remember if she woke me up or not, but I do know she as there in the morning._

"I think this club is the worst club ever!" I yell in Hailey's ear, and down one more drink.

"You're drinking like a fish! When are you going to be drunk enough to enjoy yourself?" She's scanning the loud, pulsating crowd full of bad dancers and girls in platform heels.

"When I can't think thoughts." I mumble. "Let's get another round!"

"You're drinking away my life savings!" But she slams a bill on the table, and I gesture to the bartender for more drinks.

"I'm gonna go hit on that guy. He looks slutty." Hailey's inches away from my ear.

"All guys are slutty." I turn around, waiting for my booze. "Where's the lucky man?"

She nods her head in the direction of the front door. I look for a second, but all I see is a crowd of leering testosterone.

"All those meatbags look the same."

She points. "The one that's dressed kind of like a douche."

I peer even more intently.

"Oh, shit." I immediately feel angry and a little bit sick, maybe. I force myself to look away.

"What? You know him?"

"Aiden."


	8. Through My Fingers

_Spencer started pretending to like boys in our junior year of high school. I say pretend because I know that girl better than anyone, and I can tell when she's playing make believe. _

_Her Mom lately has been harping on her to get a job, join a club or get a boyfriend, stop spending so much time slumming it around the apartment ground with me, drinking cokes, chasing each other and bothering the citizens of the complex, what we've done for going on ten years. We're just a little more mature about it now. _

_We're sunbathing on the long patch of grass in front of the main gate when Paula comes by with groceries, which I hustle to help her with. Recently I've begun to feel like Paula's looking strangely at me, usually when Spencer wraps her arms around my waist and whispers something intimately in my ear, or sets her head in my lap while she watches TV. _

_I know Spencer doesn't see this, because why would she expect it? It's how we've been acting around each other for a decade. But I think Paula senses something._

_"Thank you, Ashley. You're a lifesaver." Paula says after I relieve her of the weight of several grocery bags. _

_I tap Spencer with my foot. "Up, lazy Button. Grab the bag with the canned food."_

_Spencer hops up and takes the lightest bag away from me, and I walk past her, kicking her in the butt. She squeals and chases me up the steps, while Paula yells after us to slow down and quiet down, and this time she catches me and passes me, blowing a raspberry in my face. _

_"Very mature, Carlin." I call after her, entering her apartment just moments later and setting the bag on the counter._

_Spencer tosses me a bag of bread which I throw in the cabinet, then is in mid-toss of a bag of bagels when Paula enters. "Food throwing free zone, please, girls." She sounds exasperated. _

_"Got it, Mom." Spencer gives me a wink, and open the packet, taking out a bagel and gesturing for my to follow into the living room._

_I walk by her and grab a part of the bagel, taking a bite. "Come on, help your Mom with the groceries. Such an inconsiderate child."_

_She gasps out loud that I would call her out on such a thing, but I can see the smile in her eyes. I pull off a piece of bagel and shove it in her mouth playfully, making her laugh with her mouth full._

_Paula clears her throat. "Don't you girls have homework?"_

_"Finished." Spencer's voice is monotone, bored. _

_"Books to read? Shows to watch?"_

_"Ohh! The horror marathon is on tonight! I almost forgot!" Spencer gabs both of my hands in excitement, hopping up and down. _

_"Oh! Sweetness!" I raise an eyebrow demurely. "Spencey, would you like to come over to my house and share my bed for hours of terrible gore, unnecessary nudity, and bad acting?"_

_Spencer immediately has a coy smile on her lips and takes a small bite of her bagel. "Are we still talking about horror movies?"_

_Blush spreads across my cheeks like wildfire in an instant, not believing Spencer would crack that joke - especially in front of her Mom. _

_"Maybe Spencer should just stay home tonight." I turn around to see Paula with a stony expression on her face, mixed with something else I can't quite read. _

_"Mom, that's lame - "_

_"It's a school night." Paula shoves a can of pickles into the fridge a little too roughly, and suddenly, I feel uncomfortable for the first time in forever, here in the Carlin kitchen._

_Spencer narrows her eyes, beginning to realize what was going on. "It was a joke, Mom. I was kidding."_

_"Just the same, Spencer..." Paula trails off, realizing I'm in the room, and have been, this whole time. I shift nervously while Spencer and Paula stare each other down, a silent fight I know is because of me._

_"I, uh, I think I hear my Mom calling." I excuse myself and duck out of the kitchen, even though Spencer calls after me, extremely embarassed at the turn of events. _

_I stop outside the door, flattening myself against the wall and closing my eyes._

_"You made her leave, Mom. She was totally freaked out!"_

_"She was not."_

_Their voices carry through the walls, and I hate to admit I strained to hear every word._

_"Did you even see her face? Why did you have to act like that?"_

_I hear Paula suck in a lungful of air. "Spencer, why don't you ever bring any boys home?"_

_"Oh. My. God." Spencer uses her best outraged voice, stalling for time. "This is so not a conversation that I'm having right now."_

_I feel like I'm eavesdropping, but I can't tear myself away._

_"What am I supposed to think, Spencer? You spend every waking minute with that girl - "_

_"Ashley."_

_"Ashley. I know, Spencer. With Ashley...what am I supposed to think? When you hold her hand and kiss her?"_

_"Maybe you should think that - that I'm her best friend! What I've been for practically my whole life!"_

_"Don't raise your voice to me. I know what she is." Paula's voice isn't condemning, but there's an edge to it that stings my heart. My sexuality isn't something I've discussed with Paula even one time, face to face. I know her beliefs but I know she accepts me, atleast at face value. That, for me, was always enough._

_"What she is?" Spencer cries, affronted on my behalf. I send her a million grateful words in my own head, trying not to be too hurt by Paula's words. "It's Ashley, Mom. You love Ashley."_

_"Of course I love her, Spencer. I know we both love her." I'm not sure how to take this, but there's almost an accusation in Paula's voice. My heart wrings for Spencer, because now I know what she was afraid of all along. _

_"Mom..."_

_"And Spencer, honey. I need you to tell me - "_

_"There's nothing to tell." Spencer sounds grim, unlike herself._

_"Can you swear that to me, Spencer? On - "_

_"On what, the Bible?" Spencer snorts. "What do you want me to swear? Huh?"_

_I hear Paula smalling cans against the sink, and I can imagine her busying herself, not wanting to look at Spencer straight in the eye. I think she knows. I bite down on my lip, hard. She just doesn't want to say it._

_"Tell me what I'm afraid of isn't true." Her voice is faraway, and I know her back is to Spencer. I hang my head. I've never felt more ashamed to be myself than I was at that second._

_"What you're afraid of. Okay." Spencer sounds completely let down and disappointed, but ready to give in. I know that voice, it's one I use with Spencer far too often. _

_Spencer's tone is robotic when she speaks. "No, Mom. It's not what you think with Ashley."_

_When she speaks next, even through the wall I can hear that the fight has left her, but she sounds bolder than she has in recent memory. "I don't think about her all the damn time. I don't want to...kiss her. And I certainly - " Spencer's voice breaks at this. "I certainly am not in love with her."_

_Paula slams a cupboard and it's silent for a moment._

_"But I am..." Spencer says, and I hear her shuffling around, "I am going over to my best friend's tonight, and will...I will be back in the morning."_

_I know that's my cue to exit, but Spencer is quicker than I am. She leaves her house in a huff, hair flying behind her and runs straight into me._

_Her eyes are wide, not expecting me at all. She glances back, then wraps her hand around mine and pulls me away from the door. We walk briskly back to my place, trying to figure out what needs to be said._

_"You heard all that?"_

_I nod mutely._

_"She wasn't...you know, it really wasn't what it sounded like."_

_"I know." _

_"I mean, of course she's gonna think..."_

_"I get it."_

_"Those things she said, she didn't really - "_

_"She didn't mean those things she said, it's not what it sounded like, and there's nothing going on between us." I stick my hands in my pockets, feeling very exposed. "At all. Right?"_

_She nods her head solemnly, and we know it's a silent agreement not to talk about how bad the things that have been said hurt me, or her. We can just let it be, and maybe that will be enough._

_Spencer doesn't seem that into the movies that night, but it's a long marathon. _

_By the end, we're lying down on our sides, nestled into each other body with our limbs tangled together. This is how we always find ourselves, it's just in our nature. _

_We murmur critiques on the movie into each other's ears - "This is lame." "That blood is so fake." "She's not even pretty." _

_Soon, our breathing is in rhythm with each other, and we fall asleep. _

_One week after that night, Spencer met Aiden Dennison._

"Aiden? Aiden who? Can you hook me up with him?"

"No. That guy, uh...No. I can't hook you up with him." I'm rattled. The sound of the barkeep setting glasses down on the table snaps me back to reality, and I immediately down my shot as well as Hailey's.

"Whoa, hey. You drank my - whatever. Just get tattered, you're more fun, anyways."

The drinks mix with combative effects in my stomach just as Hailey lights up a cigarette. "No smoking." I snatch it from her and hold it in my hands as I give in to my sense of flight instinct and head to the front door of the bar, needing fresh air and to be away from all people.

I have to pass by Aiden on my way out, surrounded with his loud, drunk frat buddies, a circle of which he is the center of. I'm certain he won't notice me, and I'm halfway out the door, ignoring coos and calls of every buzzed guy in the line, when I hear him call out.

"Hey...Ashley!"

There is no way I am speaking to Aiden Dennison at all tonight, and just the sound of his voice, which I'd almost been able to forget, is enough to make my skin crawl.

I let the door close behind me and take in a lungful of fresh air. I get a few seconds of solace in the night before the door bursts open and Aiden is giving me the fish eye.

"Hey, where'd you go?" He asks smarmily, sidling up next to me. "It really is you. Wow!"

"I am not doing this." I mutter, turning on my heel. I feel Aiden's hand on my shoulder and spin around, disgust in my voice. "Don't touch me."

_"He's cute."_

_"Spencer, he's on the basketball team. He's slept with, like, half he cheerleaders at this school." I steal a fry off of her plate, squinting in the sun across the quad at Aiden Dennison, who had just been transferred into her english class. _

_"Still cute." She steals the fry back and nibbles at it. I realize we're sailing uncharted territory here. I don't quite know what to say to her. _

_"Okay...what does that have to do with anything?" I swipe another fry and point it at a random girl. "She's cute."_

_She ignores me. "I'm gonna go say hi." _

_"Whoa. What? Spencer, that's Aiden Dennison. He's friends with Madison. What would possess you to want to talk to him?" _

_She just shrugs, tearing her gaze away from Mr. Perfect long enough to smile at me. "It's okay to be curious, right?"_

_I try to hide my pout. "He was in my algebra class last year. He asked me how to spell 'forty'."_

_"Wow, did he really?"_

_I nod, hoping I've dissuaded her._

_"So he's like, endearingly stupid, then?"_

_I groan out loud. "No, Spencer. I am endearingly stupid. The Cookie Monster is endearingly stupid. That jockstrap's an idiot."_

_Spencer just looks away and fluffs her hair. "How do I look?"_

_"If I tell you you look terrible, will you still go over there?"_

_"Yes."_

_"You look lovely." I tell her honestly, and she beams at me and leans over to wipe a bit of french fry crumb off my lip. _

_"I'll be right back." She says, softly, and I already feel like I'm losing a little of her as she walks away._

_"Spencey." I call after her, before she gets too far away. She turns around. "What am I thinking?" _

_She looks at her shoes for a single second, and I know she recognizes the undercurrent of sadness in my voice. I can hear it in hers, too. "I know." She takes a step backward. "I'm sorry."_

_So was I. They had a date for that Friday night. I went home and screamed into my pillow._


	9. Frowning Hour

_"Should I wear my blue blouse?"_

_"The one with the polka dots?"_

_"Yeah. The one you like."_

_I grab Spencer's pillow and hold it to my chest. "Yeah, I know the one. Don't wear it."_

_"Ashee!"_

_"Or wear it, I don't care." I keep my voice dull, so that she knows I do not enjoy having any part of this._

_Aiden and Spencer have had a few dates, and I can no longer contain my jealousy, my anger, everything that is wrong with this. I've never known this side of myself, and I hardly like it. _

_It's their second date this week, and I absolutely despise the way she thinks she's fooling anyone - actually, she probably is. I despise the way she thinks she's fooling me._

_Spencer exhales a puff of air between her lips and sits down next to me on the bed, fidgeting with the shirt in her hands. "What's wrong?"_

_"Nothing." My pathos swirl around my head, not allowing me to answer._

_This time she wraps her arm tight around my shoulder, peering even closer at my eyes, which are trained at the wall. "What's wrong?" She repeats._

_I finally meet her eyes directly. "Stop asking me that."_

_Her expression tells me she is exasperated with the way I'm acting, but I can also tell by the way her lips set in an unwavering line that she knows exactly what's wrong._

_"Well then stop acting like a turd." She lets go of me and stands up, going to her closet._

_"Oh my God. Whatever." I stand up and head for her door, fighting every urge I have to turn around when she says my name._

_She darts in front of the door when she realizes I'm really trying to make an exit. "Ashley. Come on."_

_"Come on what, Spencer? What, do you want me to sit here while you get pretty for a date with some - some stupid jock?"_

_"It's - "_

_"You want me to pretend to be okay with that?"_

_Her eyebrows knit together and for a second she looks almost mad at me. "Why can't you just act like you are? It would make things a lot easier."_

_My nostrils flare, and I take a step back. "Make what a lot easier? You having to deal with whatever issues you have with - "_

_"Keep your voice down." She warns, her voice grave._

_I rub my temples with my hands, hoping my face isn't showing as much overwhelming emotion that I'm feeling. It's one of the first times in my life I want to yell at Spencer._

_As if one some terrible cue, Paula pops her head in the door. "You girls okay?"_

_"Yeah, Mom." Spencer gives her the fakest smile she can muster. Paula is overjoyed and Spencer's prospective boyfriend, as well as their date._

_"Well...it's almost eight! Don't be late, and keep the boy waiting." Paula says cheerily, ducking back out of the door with a syrupy grin._

_Spencer stares after her, long after she leaves the door, with a mournful, faraway look on her face._

_She finally looks back at me, and all my anger is gone. I can try to understand her. The contrast of Paula's giddy smile and Spencer's saddened eyes stays with me, and from this night on, I don't question Spencer's motives. I can not presume to be more important to her than her own Mother, can not begin to comprehend what she thinks is a hopeless situation._

_I try to stand up a little straighter._

_"I'm sorry." I reach out and caress her cheek, very lightly, with a single finger. Spencer closes her eyes, turning her face into my touch. "I understand."_

_Her eyes open, a little brightened. A lean in close, millimeters away from her lips and try to smile for her. Her breathing gets a little shallow in anticipation, but she doesn't move._

_I squeeze my own eyes shut. "Wear the blue blouse."_

Aiden puts his hands up, a little shocked at my volatile reaction. "I didn't mean anything, it's just..." he lowers them, chagrined. "I haven't seen you around in...how long?"

I set my jaw. "Four years."

He lets out a low whistle. "How have you been?"

I don't want to answer. I don't want to talk to him at all, because it will inevitably lead to us discussing our one common link - Spencer. And I know I definitely can't handle that, especially not now.

I loathe the way his hair is slicked back with gel, I hate the way his first 3 buttons are undone and how I'm positive he thinks it looks good.

I hate how sincere he looks, how I can't really blame him for anything.

_Spencer came back very late that night. I know because I waited on my couch, trying my best to read the assigned chapter for my economy class. Of course, I was preoccupied, and almost bit tongue when I heard a key slide into my front door lock._

_I opened the door before Spencer could, and she looked a little caught off guard. "Hey."_

_I give her a subdued look. "Hey."_

_I stand at the door, my body blocking her entrance, and the air between us is undeniably heavy. _

_"Can I - "_

_"How was your date?"_

_Spencer merely shrugs, leaning againt my doorfame. _

_"That great, huh?" I deadpan._

_"Can I come in?" Is all she says. It's a strange request, she's never had to ask before. But then again, I've never exactly blocked the door._

_"I'm not sure I want you to." The words escape my mouth before they even register in my brain, but I realize that they are the truth._

_Spencer's mouth collapses into a frown, one that pierces my heart. "Why not?" _

_I just sigh, directly at her. "Spencey..."_

_"He asked me to go steady with him."_

_My eyes bug out, and before I know what I'm doing I'm pulling her inside and closing the door. We settle on my couch, knees barely touching._

_"Alright, so..." I keep myself from reaching out to her, to put a hand on her knee, or run a finger down her arm. "Tell me everything...that you want to." _

_"He asked me to be his girlfriend." Spencer says again, feeling out the word in her mouth._

_I didn't know she was considering it until the troubling silence that follows. "What're you gonna do?" I manage to squeak, wanting her to comfort me in this moment, but knowing the reverse is what needs to happen._

_"I don't know." She sounds completely lost, and her eyes find mine in the dark. She looks so young, so..._

_"What do you want to do?" I say, putting my hand in hers. I feel her touching, stroking my nails, praying that it is calming her. _

_Her voice shakes. "I think...I think it might be for the best?" Her gaze penetrates mine, asking me if this is okay. Asking me if I will still be able to smile at her in the morning. _

_I blink, and I'm only aware of her trembling fingers playing with my own. I don't think I've ever seen her so nervous before. I do the hard thing and I nod, before I can talk myself out of it. "If you think so." _

_It's a noncomittal statement, something she senses. _

_"I mean, only if you really like him, you know."_

_"Yeah." Her words are thin in the air, and when I lean over to kiss her on the cheek to reassure her, she lets go of my hand. "You aren't mad?"_

_I hate this question, because there is no right answer. I hate all that this question implies, all it really means. "I guess I can't be."_

_Spencer looks a little confused in the dark, like she can't figure me out. I stand up. _

_"We were never really anything, were we?"_

_Her face crumbles in front of me, and I immediately regret my words. She stands up, standing awkwardly in front of me, and I know she is struggling to find something to say. She reaches out for my arm. "Ashee...What am I thinking?"_

_I blink back hot tears, and stomp over to the door. I try so hard for her, but right now, I can't. Tomorrow will be different, but right now, I just need this time to let myself be disappointed in her. "Maybe you should go, Spencer."_

_She stands a few more seconds, wringing her hands together. I guess she isn't sure I'm serious. To be honest, I've surprised even myself. _

_I open the door with a creak, not looking her in the eyes as she takes the hint and shuffles out my door._

_I stand there in the dark living room of my apartment for a long time, quaking with...something. I never knew. I thought I would cry, but I didn't. I felt something in the pit of my stomach that I didn't enjoy, and a few minutes later I was resigned and ready to forgive Spencer._

_I decided the only thing that would make the strange feeling in my gut go away was to get to Spencer, and when I crawled into her bed, she was awake but didn't budge while I set myself beside her, not touching._

_As I could have predicted, she moved closer to me under the blankets, grabbing my arms and wrapping them around her, clasping our hands over her stomach. She wanted comfort, andI allowed myself to settle into her, but there was hardly any excitement in me. It was an obligatory gesture, one that seemed hollow after the night we shared._

_Still, I held her close and kissed her damp cheeks goodnight. "Don't cry, Spencey."_

_I still never wanted her to feel bad about hurting me._

"I've been...getting by. Living, you know. How have you been, Dennison?" I force myself to ask, try to sound pleasant. I do not accomplish this.

"Oh, great, things are great. Just getting the summer started." He grins at me, expecting me to return some semblance of a smile. I scuff the pavement with the tip of my boot, ignoring the fact that he's darting glances at my cleavage.

"Yeah. That's...cool. My roommate just forced me to go out with her. This isn't really my scene." I'm muttering, something I do when I'm nervous. Or bored.

"No doubt. Not really my scene, either. I've just gotta put my appearances is." He winks, and I wonder why he's talking to me like I'm his friend. "So, you're good...that's good. God, I can't get over it. Four years."

He's not as drunk as I am. "Not that long of a time." I look around, trying to find an escape route.

Aiden looks at me a little strangely, like I'm saying something stupid. "It is for some people."

I know exactly who he's talking about, and what he means. I really don't want to care, I do not want to press him for information about Spencer. I clench my jaw, begging myself not to give in.

"She'd die if she found out I ran into you." Aiden ventures.

"Are you two..."

Aiden laughs out loud before I can even finish my sentence, making my blood boil. He waves his hand around, dismissing it as silly. "Oh, no. God, no. We broke up, like, forever ago. Actually, right after..."

I cut him off with a glare.

"All that drama." He finishes easily. This is not a sore spot for him. Simply put, he is a douche. I recall easily why I never liked him.

"Drama." I roll my eyes so he doesn't catch it, keeping my voice unemotional. "Yeah, well, I've gotta go, I - "

"Ashley. Yo! Jesus, you disappeared on me." Hailey bumps into my shoulder, talking to me but looking at Aiden, giving him the eye.

"Nice of you to interrupt." He gives her a smirky glance, all his attention now diverted onto her.

"Nice line." I grumble, grabbing Hailey's arm. "We're gonna bail, let's go."

"You party pooper, the fun's just starting." Hailey says, giving me a subtle glare.

I narrow my eyes at her, wanting her to feel my awkwardness in this situation. "I want to leave."

"Then leave." She enunciates clearly, paying me back for days of my rude detachment.

I turn on my heel, hearing them begin to flirt behind me, playing their stupid games just so they can get into each other's pants.

I just want to get home.


	10. Still Prone to Care

_"Do we really have to eat lunch with him?" I was a little outraged. We hadn't eaten anything but alone for the past three years of high school. I didn't want our streak to end._

_"He's my boyfriend, Ashley." Spencer intoned, "And you're my best friend. You should get used to spending time with him."_

_"The things I do for you, Spencer."_

_She groaned at my righteousness._

_"No, seriously." I rested my chin on my hand, gazing at her. I felt compelled to go on, but held back. "But whatever. Are you sure you two don't want to be alone?"_

_Spencer looked at me like this was hilarious, and made a face. "Uh, no. Stay here."_

_"What, you don't want alone time with your boyfriend?" I nearly spit the word, hardly teasing. I couldn't help it. _

_Spencer immediately softened. "I'll always prefer your company." She reaches across the table to lay a palm against my chest, pressig her words into my heart. I do not doubt her._

_"Ladies!" Aiden put a hand on Spencer's back, appearing out of nowhere. He leaned town to meet Spencer in an impromptu kiss that made me cringe. _

_Spencer carefully avoided looking my way for several seconds, giving Aiden her best smile. "Hey, sit down." She cheerfully moved books out of his way and he sat his big lummox self down, grinning at me._

_"Ashley."_

_"Aiden."_

_Things got vastly different. The tail end of our junior year_, _all I can really recall is Aiden. Not because I focused on him, but because I focused a lot of my resentment on him._

_He actually wasn't that bad of a guy. A typical boy, to be sure, but he was always relatively nice to me. I just could barely stomach seeing the two of them together. _

_I saw right through Spencer, of course. She refused to sit with him at lunch, but he was readily available every lunch period to sit with us at our table, across from me and Spencer, chatting our ears off about whatever stupid thing passed through his thoughts. I hated these conversations because I was aloof, a petulant child not wanting to share. They had to struggle to include me, but those days I was not forthcoming. I figured I had good reason to be. _

_When my heart wasn't being mangled, it was being toyed with like the ball on the end of the string connected to a paddle. Spencer got different._

_Her touch wasn't the same; before, it had been an open, friendly caress. A marker of our deep friendship, something people even expected. _

_But Spencer grew bolder, more flamboyant. Now that she had a label declaring her Aiden's Girlfriend, she was a lot more free with me. Intimate touches that showed me she knew their meaning, and wanted me to know, too._

_She would hold my hand under the table, stroking her thumb over my skin. On our movie nights, Spencer and myself no longer being the only participants, she would crawl across the couch and into my lap whenever Aiden would leave the room, ruining any scene that was playing and giving me a tight hug around the neck. _

_Sometimes I would swear she was working her way up to kissing me, eyes glazed over and hypnotizing me with every touch, paralyzing me with anticipation. She would pull back, realizing what she was going. Or Aiden would walk in the room, oblivious to the moment he was wrecking. _

_I think we were always both silently thankful to him, blundering into our quiet bliss. Neither of us had to courage to take it anywhere else but where we already stood. I felt more pathetic with each passing of the day, but I never objected to her slow advances. _

_Not that they ever went anywhere, or served to do anything but torture us both. _

I threw open the door to my loft and chucked my purse across the room, enveloped in memory I couldn't stand.

I let out an indulgent groan and went to get a beer out of the fridge, throwing the cap into the sink and haphazardly dumping the contents into my mouth, not stopping until I was sucking foam from the bottom of the bottle.

I grabbed another, let myself burp, and reminded myself that they were Hailey's beers. Then I remembered I was completely pissed at her, as she was probably throwing herself at Aiden Dennison, and got busy finishing that one, too.

I flopped down on our large couch, covering my face with a pillow and I couldn't stop myself from bringing up the past.

_"Olives, pepperoni - "_

_"Mushrooms!" Spencer says into my ear, grasping me on the arm to get my attention._

_I shake her off, impatient. "I know what you want." I regard the phone. "Olives, pepperoni and mushroom...okay. Alright, thankyou." I hang up. "Pizza's gonna be here in thirty."_

_Aiden groans, throwing his head back onto the couch. "I'm hungry now."_

_"Aiden hungry! Aiden eat now!" I bellow, an almost spot on imitation. Spencer stifles a laugh so hard that she snorts, making us both grab each other, erupting in a fit of laughter._

_"So funny." Aiden says, always oversensitive. "I'm just sayin' that I haven't eaten all day. Cut a guy some slack."_

_"Aiden need protein!" More giggles, then Spencer drags me onto the couch and sits me down, opting herself to sit next to Aiden on the floor._

_"Aw, we're just kidding." She pats him on the stomach. "We'll get you fed so you don't wither away to nothing."_

_Aiden gives her what he assumes is an adorable pout, waiting for a peck on the lips. I try not to look as Spencer obliges him, but it's getting easier to see them together. I can deal with the constant squeezing of my heart a little better now._

_You'd be surprised at how much crap I can actually handle._

_"Ah." Aiden pats his pockets, looking around. "My wallet's in the car. Hold on." He stands up, giving Spencer a kiss on the top of the head. "I'm gonna run down and get it. Pizza's my treat!" He calls over his shoulder, already out the door. _

_"Want to get the movie now?" Spencer asks, tugging on my foot so I come down on the floor beside her._

_"Eh." I slide down, landing on the carpet. "What do you want to watch? I'm not feeling inspired."_

_"Well, then. I'm just going to have to inspire you, if that's the case." Her smile is brilliant as she stands up and pulls me along with her, leading me over to my video rack. "What do we want to watch?"_

_"Don't tell Aiden I have Rudy. I don't want him to cry and get tears all over my furniture." _

_She laughs at this, and rests her chin on my shoulder, peering at the movies. "Oooh. Do we want to see Sunset Blvd?"_

_"I don't want to waste it on Aiden. He wouldn't appreciate it." I crank my head backwards to give her a smile. "We'll save that for another time, yeah?"_

_"I like the sound of that." Her eyes are extremely blue, and she wraps her arms around my hips, pulling my back into her. "How about...Texas Chainsaw Massacre?"_

_"Excellent choice. Original or Next Generation?" I tap my fingers on her knuckles._

_"What am I thinking?"_

_"Original all the way." I feel her laugh against me, then I turn around to face her. She doesn't step back, leaving us standing very close. _

_"Popcorn?" She asks._

_"Extra buttery."_

_"Just the way you like it." She's beaming fully at me, playing with the hem of my shirt. "You get the blanket, okay?"_

_I nod quickly, ready to go carry out my task. Spencer pulls me back in one effortless motion, giving my a soft kiss on the top of my nose. _

_She chuckles watching the blush spread across my face, and I attempt to smirk at her but can't quite pull it off. Not while I'm completely stuck to the floor like this. Before I know it, I'm stroking her face with my hand, "Don't get too scared, Button." I whisper. "This one's real gorey."_

_"I know." She subconsciously licks her lips, reaching up to fondle my wrist. "I like the gorey ones."_

_"Always have, you little - "_

_"Hey, do we have any popcorn?" _

_We don't flinch from Aiden's voice in the doorway, but I do drop my hand from Spencer's face, wondering how on earth we didn't hear the door close. Aiden looks from one of us to the other, but I can't read his face well._

_Spencer reaches over to grab the movie off of the shelf, giving me a cute look, then turns to Aiden. "In the kitchen. Just stick it in the microwave."_

_"Ah, I don't know how to work the microwave." He complains. _

_"You're on popcorn duty. We decided not to torture your simple mind with great works of black and white, you owe use." I snip at him, grabbing a blanket off of the back of the couch and gesturing for Spencer to snuggle into the seat next to me._

_She's sitting in the middle, arm laced through mine and leaning on me, when Aiden wraps his arm around her as the movie starts. It's a strange, telling scenario when, as the movie gets progressively scarier, Spencer squeals and buries her face in my shoulder, enjoying every single scare and fright. Eventually, stroking her hair absentmindedly, I calm her down enough to be silent._

_By the end, she's practically in my lap, a large gap between her and Aiden. The movie must have tuckered her out, because she's snoring softly, hot breath on my shoulder and a little drool on my shirt. _

_Aiden peers over at her. "She's sleeping."_

_"She fell asleep when the last guy died." I move the blanket more securely around her body. "She didn't get a lot of shut eye last night." I explain to him._

_"Yeah..." He stands up slowly, unsure. "Want me to move her? Carry her to her room?"_

_"My room." I correct him. "She's sleeping over."_

_"Oh. Well, want me to pick her up?" He moves to grab her, but I hold her a little tighter._

_I speak quietly, not wanting to wake her. "I'll take care of her."_

_"Sure?"_

_I nod. He just shrugs, and then leans in close to give her a light kiss on the corner of her lips. "'night, babe." He tells her sleeping form. "Tell her I'll call her in the morning."_

_"Will do."_

_"I guess..." He grabs his jacket, a little antsy to leave, I can tell. "I'll just leave. Thanks for the movie, Ashley."_

_"No problem at all."_

_"Goodnight, then."_

_He's not too bad of a guy, I think. I run a single finger along the bridge of Spencer's nose, wondering if I can fall asleep in the position I am now. _

_"Spencey." I shake her a tiny bit. "Spencey, wake up. No more dreaming, time to wake up." I whisper, lips touching her ear._

_She smiles before she wakes up. "Is Aiden gone?"_

_I touch my forehead to her cheek, she's warm from sleeping. I nod, knowing she can feel it. "Scoot over so I can fit, big butt."_

_"Don't call me big butt." She sleepily mutters, moving to accomodate me. We face each other, my chin pressed against the top of her head, tucked in the crook of my neck. She wraps her arms around me, listens to my heartbeat, and fall asleep. _

"What the hell is your problem?"

Hailey is standing above me, glaring down at the pile of beer bottles I've accumulated.

"What the...what's my problem?"

"You drank all my beer!" She accuses, pointing to the several bottles of beer scattered. I don't try to count them, as my vision is doubled slightly.

"You bailed on me!"

"Um, you bailed on me, loser. And then I followed you home, ditching uber hottie of the night!" She sits down beside me, knocking my feet off the couch.

"Aiden Dennison is not hot." I say loudly, sounding disgusted.

"How do you even know that guy?" She's lighting up a cigarette, and I'm too drunk to care. I reach out to grab my bottle for another drink.

I struggle to sit up. I don't like the tone of her voice, like she knows something. "Did you ask - did you ask him that?"

She reaches out, frowning slightly, and takes my beer, sipping it. "I'm cutting you off."

"Answer. Me."

"Yeah, I asked him. I didn't hear a word he said, because we were dancing, but I did catch one word." She blows on the bottle, creating a low whistling sound.

"A word?"

"A name." She clarifies, sounding mighty pleased.

"Whatever." I lie back down, not ready to deal with this. I blink a few times, but my regular vision does not return. Damn.

"Spencer. That girl, that picture you have in your drawer." Hailey's trying to sound casual, but she's very curious. "There's a story there."

"Leave it be. I'm..Jesus, I'm kind of drunk."

"Kind of, kid? Who's Spencer?"

"Just..." I make a sound, halfway between a sigh and a groan, in the back of my throat. "Stay out of my business."

"You're my business, bitch." We haven't ever been especially close, glorified drinking buddies from college, but she is all I have. I feel a drunken bond with her tonight. "Tell me."

"About Spencer." I once again sit up, but it's a chore. I'm sure I look drunk.

"Yeah."

"I want another drink."


	11. The Magician's Secrets All Revealed

_"Oh, my God. Is this Marcy Playground?" Spencer turns the radio up, riding shotgun in Aiden's car._

_"Probably." Aiden spits a sunflower seed out of the window. "Change it."_

_"I love Marcy Playground!"_

_"No one loves Marcy Playground."_

_I laugh out loud from the backseat. "This is so not what I think it is."_

_Spencer begins to sing along. "It's growing, it's all knowing, it is glowing bright..." _

_"Bright red!" I join in, not able to help myself._

_Aiden mutters something, but we can't really hear him over the music. "And so I'm in love, yeah, love bug his kind will forever shine, so open up your heart and - "_

_Aiden abruptly switches the station. "I'm sorry. I couldn't take it. I'm only one man."_

_"That was the best part." Spencer groans, looking at him, obviously displeased. "You have the worst taste in music I've like, ever seen."_

_"This is Led Zeppelin, got it? This is a classic." _

_"Spencer loves Marcy Playground. You really just can't talk her out of it."_

_Spencer nods at him, so he knows I speak the truth. _

_"Ashley, you know what I'm saying, right? Your Dad, now that's a guy who knows music." Aiden taps on his steering wheel to the Zeppelin tune. "One of the greatest rock bands of all time."_

_"Purple Venom." I agree, with a slight shrug of my shoulders. "They were okay."_

_"Just okay?" Aiden peers at me in the rearview mirror. "You don't like your own Dad's band?"_

_"He wasn't really my Dad." I tell him shortly. "He died when I was like, three."_

_"Ashley's rock royalty." Spencer tries to lighten up the conversation a bit with her sweet interjection._

_"Didn't he leave you some huge inheritance?" Aiden asks bluntly._

_I blink at him. "Yeah, he actually did. I officially gain control of the Davies fortune when I'm 18." Not that I care in any particular way. It's just how things will be._

_"Sweet!" Aiden swivels his head to look at me. "That's gotta feel good, right?"_

_"I don't know. I don't really care." I tell him, truthfully._

_"You're going to be totally rich. Like, loaded." Aiden goes on, then I see Spencer squeeze his leg to tell him to shutup about it._

_She reaches her other hand around to the back of the seat, opening it and closing it. That's my signal, and I place it in hers. She catches my eye in the rearview mirror and grins at me playfully. "Ashley's going to buy a mansion in LA and I'm going to be her live in maid."_

_Something we joked about as kids. "I wouldn't have it any other way." I give her hand two quick squeezes and release it. _

_I would have. I would have bought Spencer a whole damn mansion if that meant I could get her to myself, where she'd finally feel safe enough to be with me. _

_"Nice. Party as Spencer and Ashley's in a year and a half." Aiden laughs._

_We never got that far._

"I changed my mind."

Hailey tosses the bottle cap onto the table, sliding the beer over to me. "Talk. Talk to me, Ashley. and stop looking so damn sad."

"I don't look sad." I hate to report that I have the hiccups.

"Who's Spencer? Why did you freak out when you saw Aiden?" Hailey asks, looking genuinely concerned.

"Why do you care so much? Christ, just let me take a nap." I squeeze my eyes shut, throwing my arm over my face.

I hear Hailey get up and leave the room for a few seconds, then I feel her crouch down next to me.

I open my eyes to a picture of Spencer staring back at me. I instantly look away. "Put that back."

"What did she...damn, girl, what did she do to you?" Hailey stands up, taking a long drag off of her cigarette.

I swing my legs onto the floor, urging myself to sit up straight. I look at Hailey, and she's blurry around the edges. I take a gulp of my beer. "Nothin'." My voice betrays me, and Hailey knows its not 'nothin''.

"Talk." The cigarette dangles from her lip and she holds Spencer's picture in both hands. "Or I rip."

"Rip it. I don't care." I rasp, taking another drink because my mouth has suddenly become dry.

I hear a tiny shredding sound, and I should have known Hailey wasn't bluffing. "Stop it! Don't - don't rip it."

"Who is Spencer, Ashley?" The picture continues to drip. She's drunk enough to tear it into pieces.

"I was in love with her!" I cry, probably a little too loud, but she stops ripping. She looks taken aback and tosses the picture back at me, sitting crosslegged in front of me.

I pick up the photo and smooth out the edges. "Talk." She orders, and this time I sigh, steadying myself.

"She was my best friend."

"Yeah?"

"Since I was six. She lived in my Mom's apartment complex, we were...together everyday."

"Friends forever. I get it."

"Basically, yeah. We were the greatest friends, we..." I shrug, not sure how to explain our bond to someone who'd never seen us together. Without sounding pathetic. "We were that person for each other, you know?"

She just nods.

"Anyways." I set my beer on the table, not looking at her. "It soon became...apparent after we got a little older that we wanted more from each other. Both of us. You could tell, it was so obvious."

"You two dated?"

I shake my head, feeling distant. "No." I say wistfully. "Never. I came out just before my freshman year, but Spencer...well, she never got that far. It scared her so bad, I think. Her Mom was one of those types that would do that to you." I try to laugh and fail miserably, so I just grab my beer instead.

"So...what happened?"

"Well, she made it clear that she wanted me, too. She just never wanted to talk about it. We would sleep in each other's bed, hold hands, and make each other blush, but...we never talked about it. It was right in front of us, and we never spoke of it." Just saying this makes me realize how ridiculous it was to spend 12 years of my life like that. "It was...painful. It hurt."

Hailey doesn't say anything. She looks genuinely sad for me.

"She got a boyfriend." I can't stop now. "I was in love with her for like, my whole life and she tells me she feels the same and then suddenly, Aiden's in the picture." My lip curls. "I had to watch them kiss, be a couple, smile at each other. And it broke my heart. Damn, it broke my heart."

The alcohol is making me honest, too honest, and my emotion is purely evident in my voice. "I'm sorry, Ashley."

I wish I could shutup but I can't stop now.

"No. No. Don't apologize, I mean...I don't know if I ever expected anything. I just never thought...You know, I never dated anyone. Not a single person. Because I knew she would...she wouldn't want to see that. She always told me I was stronger, but I wasn't. I was just better with pain."

"Shit, Ashley."

A harsh laugh escapes my throat, and I put my face in my hands. It's tough to remember all this. "I never wanted her to have to choose. Never. I wanted her to know I would be there for her, so I was there, I endured it. I didn't want her to think she was hurting me, because that would hurt her. I wouldn't ever want that. I stood there and took it."

I know Hailey's never seen me like this. She might be a little freaked out, and when I peek at her through my fingers, she just appears sad. Sad for me, and I can't blame her, I sound completely beaten right now.

"So, one day you got tired, and left?" Hailey prods gently.

I can hardly find my voice this time. "No." I say softly. "No. No. I never would have budged."

"Then, what happened?"

I stare at the wall, a memory bubbling up inside of me, not bothering to answer her. "A long time ago. Almost 15 years ago, in the lot behind our apartment. A giant field with those, towers? Electrical towers? It was probably dangerous, I don't know why our parents let us play there, but...there was wet cement. We wrote out names in it, with the date, I think."

Hailey is completely silent, and I'm drudging this out of nowhere. I didn't even know I remembered.

"She kissed me. We were just standing there, talking. I don't know about what, I can hardly...remember. It was so long ago. But she leaned over and kissed me." I rub my eyes furiously, feeling them water. "She was my first kiss, I was just 8 and it was completely innocent but...I don't know. It's stupid and I can hardly remember it, but it just shows me she knew. She had to know, even at the beginning, right?"

"Even at the beginning..." Hailey echoes, not sure what else to say.

I slap my thighs, and take a quick drink of my beer, gathering myself together. "So, that's how it went. That's how she completely cracked me open and then...I left. Then I met you, and..here I am."

"Here you are." Hailey's still repeating me.

I sigh, reaching out to grab Spencer's picture, gazing at her right in the photographed eyes. "She just couldn't handle it." I remember tiny, rambunctious Spencer, at 7 years old, daring to kiss me in the field behind our houses and then climbing over the fence to open the gate for me. I miss her dearly, so much so in this moment that it physically hurts me. I wish I couldn't recall her face, any of her words.

I don't like it, and before I can stop my fingers, they're tearing the picture apart into tiny, confetti-like pieces. "Spencer Carlin." I mutter, tossing the pieces into the air. "Wish I'd never met her."

Hailey just laughs at my dramatic gesture, my obvious lie. "That Aiden guy, he gave me his phone number. He said...well, I don't think he was all that in to me, because he told me to have you call him."

She presses a small piece of paper in to my hand, and to my surprise, I accept it.


	12. Weak Peace

_Our senior year of high school, and Aiden and Spencer are still together. I honestly didn't think they'd last this long, but at the rate she's going, I'm sure Spencer could do this forever. _

_I can't say I'm not let down by her, but I also can't say I completely hold it against her._

_It's getting easier, a lot easier, to put up with seeing them with each other. It's almost second nature to me, the heartbreak. And now, I can't imagine life without it. Still, I never resent her. I simply can't._

_I frame myself in Spencer's bathroom doorway, watching her gargle with mouthwash. _

_"You have makeout hair."_

_She spits, then checks out her hair in the mirror. _

_"Still looks nice, though." I pinch her side lightly and she slaps my hand away, laughing quietly._

_"He kept trying to like, put the moves on me during the movie." She grumbles, washing the makeup off of her face._

_"Spencey, he's your boyfriend. It's not called 'the moves', it's called 'trying to get some'." I explain to her, like she's a child._

_Her eyes bug out the slightest bit. "Not going to happen."_

_I just give her a silent shrug, turning her around and beginning to undo her braid. "Well, he thinks it's going to happen."_

_"It's not."_

_I gently untangle her hair, smoothing it out. "Maybe you should clue him in on that. He might be interested."_

_Spencer twists her neck, shooting me a look. "It's just...complicated." _

_"Doesn't sound that complicated. You're done, turn around."_

_She turns to face me, shaking her hair out slightly. "Thanks." She sighs, grabbing my hand and leading me to her bedroom. "I wish every relationship could be as uncomplicated as ours." _

_I push open her bedroom door, letting her go through first. She falls backward onto her bed. "Are you kidding?" I ask her, pausing in her doorway._

_"I, uhh..." She leans up on her elbows to peer at me. "Not really."_

_I push out a tiny laugh. "You're crazy, button."_

_I can tell by the way she chews on her lip and tilts her head thoughtfully that she knows what I'm talking about. "Come to bed." _

_"I think I'm going to go home."_

_"Why?" _

_"I have to read that chapter for government. It's a long one, so..." I tap my fingers onto her doorframe._

_"Oh, I've already read it. Here." She pats the bed. "I'll quiz you on it."_

_"Spencey..."_

_"Come on. The friends who learn together, stay together." She gives me her sweetest smile, but the day has been long, and she's been with Aiden, and this time, I can say no. _

_"I'm really sleepy, Button." I take a step back. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay? We'll walk to school together, stretch our legs._

_She looks disappointed. "You sure?"_

_I bound a few steps across her room and hover above her for a few seconds while she peers up at me. "Pretty sure." I press my lips against the top of her head, smelling her hair. Then I take a step back, ready to leave._

_"Can't you stay?"_

_Her voice stops me, and I stop myself from sighing. "Spencer..."_

_"Aiden took me to see that new zombie movie...something of the dead."_

_I immediately sit down next to her and wrap a calming arm around her shoulders. "Zombies? He took you to a zombie movie? Doesn't he know any better?"_

_She rests her head on my shoulder, shrugging and murmuring something. _

_"I'll take that as a no." This time, I do sigh, kicking my shoes off and pushing her back onto her pillow. "Get comfortable, I won't let you sleep alone."_

_"Ashley to the rescue." She smiles brilliantly at me, snuggling into her pillow. _

_I fall onto the pillow next to her, the pillow that, over the years, has become mine. "Per usual."_

_I pull the blanket over us both._

"I can't believe you agreed to see me." Aiden swirls lemon into his iced tea, grinning at me from across the small diner table.

"Neither can I." I'm sure I have bags under my eyes.

"It's so weird to run into each other after all this time." He's too cheery for this early in the morning.

Last night, even though I called Aiden at some godawful time after midnight, he agreed to meet me today to talk about..."Whatever," as I had so eloquently put it. We knew what that was code for.

I sipped my coffee, noting that it needed about another spoonful of sugar but not bothering with it.

"So, how was the rest of your night?"

"Eh." I'm just really not trying this morning.

He gestures to my coffee. "Nursing a hangover."

"Kind of." I clear my throat. "So..."

"So, your friend's cute."

I scratch my cheek.

"Is she your, uh...your girlfriend?"

"Do you think if she were, I would leave her alone with you?" I counter.

"Excellent point." He lays his palms flat on the table. "Is there anything, you...want to talk about? Or anything?"

This was Aiden, trying to be smooth. "I don't know."

He's looking at me, trying to figure me out. Should he mention her? Bring her up? "She's good, if you want to know."

Of course. He isn't stupid. He knows there's no reason I'd have any contact with him if it weren't for her, my interest and connection to her, even after all these years.

"Is she?" I let myself ask, finally letting down my defenses - not all of them. Just enough.

"I think so. I don't talk to her so much. We don't really run in the same circles, but I talk to Glen sometimes. He mentions her."

"Oh."

"She moved."

"Oh..."

He looks reluctant to say much more, but he takes a big gulp of his tea, and makes up his mind that he should. "She was really messed up after you...disappeared like that."

I shrug coldly. "Things happen."

"Not like that."

"You don't know much about it." I tell him, trying not to sound sharp and failing. A lot of old anger directed at him resurfaces.

"I know...more than you gave me credit for." He plays with a napkin, and I look up to meet his eyes.

"I didn't give you any credit." I tell him truthfully.

"I know." He shakes his head at me. "You didn't give her much, either."

"You don't - "

"She cried for days after you left." He said, somber. "You wouldn't call her, she couldn't find you anywhere, and she...shut down."

I stay silent, taking every morsel of hard information he's giving me.

"She just stopped talking to me about a week later. We never officially broke up, but I knew better than to...I just knew better."

"Yeah." I say weakly.

"I left for college. I went to say goodbye to her, and she didn't seem...okay. She wasn't okay." He looks at me with dark eyes. "She just couldn't handle it."

She never was able to.

I am immediately ashamed, and I don't speak a damn word.

"I never knew exactly what went down between you two, but you're both pretty screwed up about it. Still." Aiden takes a deep breath, leaning back. I see him in a new light, thought I don't especially like him any more. "You were friends a long time."

Were. The past tense rings in my ears.

I can't deal with this. "I'm leaving."

Aiden immediately starts scribbling something on a napkin. "Don't run off." He says gruffly, shoving something into my hand. "Don't say I never did anything for you."

Then he's the one that leaves. I know I won't call him again, I have no need to.

I watch his back fade into a crowd, and can't seem to shake the feeling that all this wasn't just a coincidence.

I glance down at the napkin in my hand, the address written in sloppy, rushed handwriting.

It can't just all be coincidence.

_"You don't have a date?" Spencer asks, in between puffs of breath._

_"You know I don't."_

_"You should get one." She's doing situps. She really wants to fit into her prom dress, which her mother had to buy one size smaller than Spencer actually was._

_She asked me to help her diet, and I only agreed to if she promised to immediately gain the weight back after prom. We had a deal._

_"That's 100." I inform her, and she lays on her back, breathing heavily. "And I don't want a date. I'm not going."_

_"Oh, as if. You're going if I have to drag you." She sits up, gazing at me. "It's the biggest event of our academic careers, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to share it with you."_

_"You're sharing it with Aiden, and I'll be sharing it with a pint of chocolate ice cream and my television." I hold my hands out, helping her up. _

_"It's in a week and it's going to be lame if you aren't there."_

_"Spencer..."_

_Her eyes are even brighter, her brow glistening with sweat. "Ashee. Will you go? For me?"_

_"Dances are not my thing." I sit on the edge of her bed._

_She gets on her knees, sliding in between my legs and resting her elbows on my thighs, looking up at me. "Why not?"_

_"I don't dance."_

_She sticks her fingers in my belt loops. "You dance wonderfully. I love the way you dance."_

_"Then stay home with me. We'll dance here." I give her a goofy smile._

_"Come with me. We'll find you a beautiful dress, we'll do our hair, and we'll have a great night." Her voice lowers. "And we'll come back to my bed, afterwards."_

_"What?" I almost choke on my tongue._

_She blushes, realizing how it sounded, and tries to stand up immediately. I clamp her between my legs. "No, stay." I request, softly. My hands find hers, electric. "It's okay."_

_"Aiden rented a hotel room. For after the dance." She tells me, clearly not liking the idea. _

_I fight the sick feeling rising in my stomach, knowing Spencer would never do that. "Well, you certainly don't have to go. You're coming home with me."_

_Her fingertips play with mine, and she smiles. "So does that mean you're gonna go?"_

_I reach out and place a hand over her beating heart, giving her a quick nod. "You know how hard it is for me to tell you no."_

_  
She takes my hand from her chest and gives it a warm kiss. "Nearly impossible." She then stands up into a crouching position, pushing me backwards onto the bed._

_My breath catches in my throat, senses instantly becoming a thousand times more acute when she crawls the length of my body. "I'll give you the last dance. You deserve it. We can pretend we're there with each other."__She whispers this in my ear and gives me a tremor down my spine._

_This is a rare moment for Spencer, being the tiniest bit open about her feelings, atleast vocally. I'm kind of shocked, at a loss for words._

_"We don't..." I search her eyes, loving what I find there. Pure love, pure devotion. Atleast for a few seconds. "We don't have to pretend, Spencer."_

_For a few terrible, fantastic seconds, I feel like something clicks in her. Her fingers trace my jawline, a smile twitching at her lips that is too afraid to become clear. She's hesitating, so I take over, aching all over my body._

_"Spencey...what am I thinking?"_

_The smile takes over her face, and she grasps me cheek with her palm, just as I can feel the change in her. She - _

_"Spencer, if you throw..."_

_Spencer falls sideways onto her bed in an attempt to appear casual, not like she was just on top of me about to...about to what? I can't speed my heartbeat down, I can't do anything but gape at Paula. _

_Paula looks embarassed for a split second, then I see the questioning in her eyes, glancing between the two of us. Her eyes cloud over with suspicion, and I look away._

_"Throw your laundry in the hamper, I'll...I'll take it to the laundry room."_

_"Yeah, Mom." Spencer's voice is strangled and Paula exits the room as soon as possible._

_"Do you think she saw?" Spencer sounds positively frightened at this probably._

_I sit up, hating the tinge of what...regret? That I hear in her voice. It does awful things to my stomach. _

_"Saw what, Spencer?" I ask, a little breathlessly. Keeping the charade. "We weren't doing anything." Nothing changes._

_I see her look at me out of the corner of my eye, but I do not face her. I can't. _

_"You're right." She's still looking at me. "It was nothing."_

_"Nothing." I repeat, standing up, feeling lightheaded. My entire body is buzzing, and I feel like I might jump out of my skin. It feels like the worst caffeine high I've ever had._

_I see Spencer on the bed, looking nervous, and scared, and I know she feels the same way. She feels so faraway from me, and when she meets me eyes, I see all that old fear coming back. I remember why Aiden is necessary, and why we hurt._

_Nothing._


	13. Necessary Roughness

_I'm sitting on the Carlin's couch, feeling completely overdressed in my tight green dress, and I'm already hating my shoes._

_But what's making me feel the worst is watching Aiden stealing kisses while attaching her corsage. She looks absolutely gorgeous, I think it's actually making my chest constrict a little._

_Paula's snapping pictures of them like crazy, and it's true, they both look so happy and attractive together. The only way they could be a cuter couple is if Aiden were me. I chuckle inwardly at this thought as Glen plops down beside me._

_"I think I have to pin this on you or something." He shows me a flowery corsage. I make a face at it, and he laughs. "Yeah, I don't know how to put it on either."_

_I've always gotten along with Glen well. Spencer didn't want me to have to go by myself, and Glen was readily availabe to be my date for the night. It's sort of like going to a dance with your older brother, but I don't mind. "Eh, it didn't match my dress anyways." I fidget. "I can't wait to get out of this freakin' thing."_

_"You look pretty." Glen offers halfheartedly. I know I look undeniably hot, but I just shrug._

_"Spencer looks really nice." I say, glancing at her. She's smoothing out Aiden's collar for him. Glen stares at them._

_"Yeah. She does." Glen agrees. "And Aiden, man, he's just sexy."_

_This earns a laugh from me, and I poke glen in the ribs with my elbow. "Maybe Aiden and I should switch dates..."_

_I think Glen can hear it in my voice. The sadness. He just wraps a sympathetic arm around me. "You'll get your dance, Ash."_

_I think Glen always knew, and that just hurt more. I looked at Paula, and she was beaming with happiness. I loved Paula, she'd done a lot for me. But I can't help but wonder, if she was different...maybe things would be different. I can hardly bare to resent someone I grew up calling my second Mom._

_"Ashley, Glen. Come get in the picture. We need one of the whole gang." Paula waves us over and Glen helps me up. The dress it tricky._

_I squeeze in between Spencer and Glen, wrapping my arm around both._

_"Oh! Out of film. Be back in two seconds, kids." Paula makes a beeline for the drawer in the kitchen._

_"My smile's gettin' stale!" Glen yells after her._

_"Your smile's been stale, bro."_

_Glen leans over to smack Aiden in the back of the head, thankfully, and Spencer takes that opportunity to press her lips into my ear. "You look stunning."_

_I shiver, and then Spencer wraps her arm loosely around my waist. I'm still blushing in the picture._

I've been staring at this napkin for a long time now. The address is somewhere in the area of the town we grew up in, about a two hour drive. With LA traffic, maybe longer.

Lying flat on my back, I grope a hand over to my dresser, opening the drawer an fumbling for the picture. It's not there.

For a second I am alarmed, then I remember that I ripped it up, tore it into a million peaces. It didn't make me feel any better and now I've lost the only picture I had of her. I shut my eyes tightly, bringing her face to memory, and I know I have to see her.

"You're gonna go to her, aren't you?" Hailey's voice invades my thoughts. "You're so predictable."

"I'm not." I crumple the napkin and throw it on a table in a show of false bravado, glaring at her.

She swaggers over and picks up the napkin gingerly. "You got this from Aiden?"

I nod.

"Nice guy." She peers at the writing. "This is like, three hours away."

"You smell like smoke." I snatch the napkin, sitting up. "And it's only two."

"I do not, I just showered." Hailey sniffs at her armpits, making a face. "And maybe if you leave now, you can beat traffic."

I roll my eyes at her smirk. "I'm not going. I told you. I just...she doesn't need me showing up at her doorstep."

"Maybe she does." Hailey says encouragingly, sitting down next to me.

I just shake my head glumly. Hailey groans, then reaches out to grab the napkin, crumpled in my hand. "I'll just rip this up, then."

"Is that your answer for everything?" My mouth twitches into a smile.

"I think so." She says, grasping the corners. "Tearing..."

I merely shrug, giving her a dull look.

"You...you already have it memorized, don't you?" She asks me, disbelieving.

I try to fight the blush I can feel in my cheeks while she laughs out loud. "God. You have to go see her, really. Try not to look so beaten when she sees you, it's been how long?"

"Four years." I say wistfully. I have to see her, I know Hailey's right. Days ago, I wouldn't have considered it. Call it fear, call it hurt. But something was holding me back.

But I can't get her out of my head now, and I think it's a sign. This trip down memory lane hasn't been for nothing.

Glen's schmoozing barely legal senior girls and I'm standing by the punchbowl, alone. I told him I'd be fine alone, but really, I just want to get some Spencer-watching time in.

_Aiden's clunky on his feet, but Spencer's dancing more than makes up for it. She's wearing blue, which makes her eyes pop like nothing else. She looks so beautiful I swear she's glowing. Aiden spins her, and she grins like a madwoman, catching my eyes. Her smile changes, into one of her Ashley smiles, the one that's just for me. She's been doing this all night._

_I sip my punch as the song ends. The dance is winding down, and Glen's got a girl. He's gesturing to me out of the corner of my eye, pointing to a girl who's leading him outside. I give him a quick thumbs up, and he mouths that he owes me one._

_I look back to the dancefloor, but I don't see Spencer or Aiden. I glance around, and see them underneath the balloon arch. It looks like they're arguing, he looks kind of ticked off. I'm confused, but I watch, fighting the urge run to Spencer's rescue. I don't like the upset look on her face._

_"Whatever!" She spins on her heel, and then she's walking straight toward me, leaving Aiden to eat her dust. I ask her what's wrong with my face, knowing she can read it, and she just shakes her head._

_"What happened?" I ask when she's close enough._

_"Don't wanna talk about it." I look back at Aiden, who looks glum by himself, watching us._

_A slow song starts up, the last song. Spencer offers me her hand cutely. "Ashee, can I have this dance?"_

_"You may." A smile takes over my face as I feel her lace her fingers with mine and lead me to the dancefloor. The lights dim and my heart skips a beat as she slides her hands over my waist. I hook my hands behind her neck and we sway to the music._

_"I think you compliment me a lot better than Aiden." She murmurs._

_"I think so too." I feel her pull me in closer. "What happened back there?"_

_"He...I told him I didn't want to go back to the hotel with him and he kind of got mad. Then, when I said I wanted to have the last dance with you, I guess it sent him over the edge." She shrugs carelessly. "He can deal with it, because now..." She caresses my back. "This is our night."_

_"I like the sound of that."_

_"Me too."_

_She presses her hips into me, holding me closer. I have no time to think about where this sudden bravery came from, because it just seems completely normal. We're dancing, bodies molded together and fitting perfectly, like they always has. The lights are low, the music is soft and slow, and my heart is swelling._

_"I wish it could be like this all the time." She says, resting her forehead against mine. I can't keep my eyes from being drawn to her lips._

_"It can." I say simply. "It should be."_

_This time, she's the one looking at my lips. The atmosphere is intoxicating, dancing here with Spencer. Every hair on my body is standing at attention, my hands are stroking the back of her neck, and she looks positively serene. I think I always want Spencer to look at me like this, like we're dancing together in a dark room, pressed into each other with no one watching._

_"Ashee..."_

_I gulp, suddenly nervous because of the tone of her voice. Because it's inviting, it's warm and I can hear the need in her voice. "Spencey."_

_"Can I ask you something?" Her forehead is still resting on mine, we're impossibly close, I can hear her whispers._

_"Anything."_

_"Will you kiss me?"_

_I should have. I should never have hesitated. Maybe it would have changed everything, maybe it would have changed nothing. But I would have had something. I would have had something that I could hold on to, and maybe that would make the pain a little less sharp. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad._

_I should have kissed her._

_But I didn't. I hesitated instead, although my grip on her instinctually tightened. "Kiss you?"_

_Her eyes are watery, lips centimeters from mine. I can feel her hot breath when she speaks, voice trembling, desperate for a connection. "I'm so tired, Ashee. I want you so bad. Just for tonight, please."_

_I draw back, staring at her. "Just for tonight?"_

_She nods expectantly, stroking my cheek. "I don't want to leave with Aiden, I want to leave with you."_

_"But..just for tonight." My voice is dull now, and the excitement and nervousness of the moment is gone, replaced with a hot, aching feeling._

_"Please, Ashley." She's looking at my lips, not my eyes. She's finally giving in, and I'm finally giving up. _

_"What, you want to have a one night stand?"_

_Spencer lets her hand drop, back to my waist, trying to reassure me with her touch. "I didn't say that."_

_"That's what you meant. Spencer, that's what you meant."_

_"I would never do that to you."_

_"That's what you were going to!" I keep my voice low, but I know she can hear the anger, all my pain, at last. "How could you do that to me?" It's a sincere question, one that I know hurts her._

_"I don't know what else to do." She admits, sounding strangled. We're still dancing, and it's a very strange thing, dancing while you're crumbling inside._

_"I would never...I can't kiss you, and love you, and have you go back to him." I say firmly. "Back to pretending."_

_"I'm sorry, okay? I've told you." Her voice drips with despair, and she searches my eyes. She isn't used to this from me, blocking her off. I hate doing this to her, but I have to. I have to do something for myself._

_I feel honesty coming on, and it doesn't feel good. This is a breaking point. "Sorry can't be good enough, not anymore, Spencer. You're...God, you're breaking my heart. Do you know how that feels? To have you heart slowly broken, every damn day?"_

_My words hit her like bricks, and she looks like she might cry. But then her face hardens. "What, do you think you have the monopoly on sadness? Do you know - do you even think about how hard it is for me? How bad it gets?"_

_"No, Spencer." My voice is harsh. Bodies continue dancing around us. "I don't. Because you can change it! You - you made us like this and I hate it." _

_"You know what? I'm sorry." She repeats, getting defensive, suddenly angry at me. "It's just the way it has to be."_

_"Then leave me alone!" I finally cry, letting go of her and going to leave. She tightens her arms around me, keeping me in place. "Just leave me alone, please." I'm afraid I might actually cry. God, I'm going to cry._

_"Please don't cry." Spencer's voice tries to soothe me, touching my cheek gently, and it always has been able to, but right now it just stabs right into me. I don't want to hear it._

_"Stop it." I push her hands away, tears choking my voice. We're no longer dancing, she's just holding me in her arms. "Just quit it. Stop touching me if you...if you never - " I can't get my words out, I'm right on the verge of breaking down._

_"You know I'm in love with you. You know that." She keeps her voice hushed, urgent, trying to find my eyes. I can't meet them. She's so close to me, hands all over me, trying to comfort me and not being able to, and the music's still playing._

_A tear falls down my cheek, and I finally let them all loose. "Do something about it." I plead with her, one single time, miserably. _

_Spencer looks completely tormented, and I see her glance back at Aiden. I drop my eyes, backing away from her. She won't do it - she just can't. Maybe I was wrong. I don't think Spencer is brave enough, not anymore. I might have been wrong about her this whole time. _

_She's just a girl. She's just a girl who's afraid, and I'm just a girl who's crying because of it. _

_Another tear falls, and Spencer looks at me, eyes hooded. Her lip shakes._

_"Don't you dare cry. Don't you dare even act like you care." I say through gritted teeth, wiping at the wetness on my cheeks. _

_"Ashee..."_

_"Don't call me that."_

_"Oh, my God." Usually I think she looks so adorable when she's mad, but I've never seen her like this. I broke the unspoken rules. I called her out, I put it all on the table. "Just go, then. You knew the deal, Ashley, you knew - "_

_"I didn't know you were such a fucking coward." _

_"Shutup." She snarls at me, and I can't really believe I said it. But I think I needed to, because my entire body is shaking. Spencer's face looks flushed and pale, and I don't think I ever thought it would be this intense. _

_"No. Eleven years, Spencer. I waited eleven years." One sentence gives her my perspective, and she flinches at it. _

_"No one asked you to."_

_She annihilates me with five words, going straight for the jugular. She's trying to hurt me now, and this causes me a pain like I've never felt. She's always been able to do this well. I've backed her into a corner and she can do nothing but admit the truth, or lash out. She's managed to do both and solve nothing._

_The tears are flowing freely now, and a few people are starting to stare. The music's stopped, and people are leaving the crowded dancefloor. "I'm not waiting anymore." I whisper, letting her know that this is it. I take a few steps backwards, screaming at myself in my head to turn around._

_Spencer's the most stubborn girl I've ever known, and she will get the last word. I'm waiting for that last swipe, the one that will make all this easier for me. It will help me accept that Spencer won't be mine, ever, and I can start moving on. I wait for these words, see them formulating in her head._

_I wait for the ax to fall._

_"It was never going to happen." She says simply, monotone. This is what I need, and I turn my back on her. I leave her on the dancefloor. _

_I hope she cried as soon as I left the room. I wanted her to cry. I wanted her to cry herself to sleep and into morning.  
_

Spencer's new house is small. Small, but it looks cozy enough. I've been sitting here for about twenty minutes now, and I'm not sure my legs will carry me all the way to the door.

I'm parked under a large tree across the street, and by now, I'm sure someone thinks I'm a lunatic or a stalker. Or both. I'm sweating, sitting alone in my air conditioned car.

"You can do this."

My voice sounds weak and I almost laugh at it. I open the door with a surge of confidence, then immediately close it. "I can't do this. What the hell am I thinking?"

A light goes on. Spencer's porch light is on. I panic immediately, and then, thankfully the light goes off.

My panic does not lessen. I hate this side of myself.

An image of Spencer, grinning, flashes across my brain and I realize that yes, I have to do this. Something has led me here. There's no other alternative.

I get out of my car.


	14. Loved and Lost

I knocked three quick knocks on the door before I lost the nerve to. I'm pretty sure my knees aren't actual bone anymore, instead replaced with a strange, gelatinous substance that was hardly holding me up.

I almost feel like throwing up from nerves, and that's what I'm thinking when the door swings open. A tall, older man is standing in the spot I expected Spencer to be.

"Can I help you?"

"Um...maybe. Is Spencer Carlin here?"

He looks a bit puzzled. "I'm Arthur Carlin. Spencer's father."

I frown at this, looking the man up and down. Spencer never had a father, atleast not while I was around. And I was around a long time. He was just never mentioned. "Spencer...uh, she never talked about you."

"I wouldn't imagine that she would." He smiles, and I find that his eyes are kind. "It's a long story, but...sorry, but I didn't catch your name."

"Sorry. It's Ashley. Ashley Davies. It's nice to meet you, I guess." I stick out my hand and he gives it a firm shake, sounding surprised at the mention of my name.

"You're Ashley?"

"Uh, yes?"

He nods slowly, taking this in. Now I'm almost positive Spencer has talked to him about me, which gives me a giddy shot of hope.

"You two haven't seen each other in quite a while, if I'm not mistaken."

"You're not..." I glance at my shoes, then take a deep breath. "Is she here?" I ask in a timid voice.

"Spencer doesn't live here anymore. She moved out a while ago, actually."

Damn. "Oh..."

"I take it you need the address." He caught the way my face fell.

"That would be really great if you could."

He pulls a pen out of his front pocket, clicking it and glancing around for something to write on before I offer him my hand.

He looks at me, amused, and gingerly starts writing on my palm. "It's just down the street a ways, you can't miss it. Cute little duplex, kind of pricey if you ask me, but they seem to like it."

"That's nice." I respond. Wait. "They?"

"Spencer and Taylor." He peeks up from his handwriting and sees my face, then suddenly appears to realize he released a crucial bit of information.

"Taylor?"

"Taylor, Spencer's girlfriend."

My blood runs cold for a split second, then beings to boil at a rapid pace. "Spencer has a girlfriend."

"Mhm." Arthur tries to sound casual, but he's taken note of my reaction. He puts his pen back in his pocket. "Nice girl."

"I bet." I set my jaw, trying to smile at him. I fail miserably. "Well, I'm going to go ahead and...head over there. Say hi."

"It was great to meet you, Ashley. I'm sure Spencer's going to be very surprised to see you."

"That's the idea."

_I sat on my bed for hours, pouring over pictures of Spencer and I, back when things weren't so damn unbearable. I don't know why I did it, maybe a part of me enjoyed the pain. I convinced myself it was a cleansing ritual, something that had to be done._

_Heartbreak isn't fun, especially when it's been over a decade coming. I wanted to go to Spencer, give her all I had. Just let her have it, and let her leave me again. Because I convinced myself I could handle it, if I could just have her. For one night, atleast. _

_Then I thought maybe I wanted my dignity, for once. And I don't think my heart could take it. So I wiped my eyes and packed everything up, everything that reminded me of Spencer. Things she'd left at my house, things she bought me, pictures. Every inch of my room was scoured, and I even went in the living room and took down the picture of us that was on the coffee table. Plucked the photos of us off of the fridge, and threw her spare toothbrush I kept for her in the bathroom into the bag, too._

_The house seemed emptier, and I had two large duffelbags sitting in the middle of my room, filled to bursting with more than half a lifetime's worth of memories I was aching to get rid of._

_My mind was going a mile a minute, and I really don't know what was in my head when I slung the bags over either of my shoulders, and opened my front door. It was nearly dawn; I had spent the full night bawling my eyes out, cleaning my room like an insane person, and hating Spencer and myself, on and off, at different times during the night._

_Now I stood outside her door, after carrying these heavy packs to her apartment. She opened the door before I even knocked, and she doesn't look good._

_She's wearing her oversized flannel, and hasn't cleaned any of her makeup off yet. Her face is puffy and her eys are red from crying, and bags are starting to appear under her eyes. She looks so young. _

_She glances down at the bags and up at me with a confused, lost expression on her face. It takes every ounce of strength in me to not pull her into my arms, tell her everything she wants to hear because she never, ever should have to hurt this bad. _

_But neither should I._

_"I brought your junk." I say shortly, kicking the bag lightly with my toe._

_"Wh...why?" Her voice is cracked, raw from a long night of crying._

_"Please take it. I needed it out of my room." That's all I can say, and I turn around to go because I think that's all I have to say. I can't see her like this._

_"Ashley..." I feel her fingers graze my shoulder, and it stalls me momentarily. _

_I do not turn around. "What?"_

_"I..."_

_I can hear it in her voice before she says anything else. She doesn't have to. My stomach drops to the floor. "You slept with him."_

_A sob escapes her throat, and now I really don't want to turn around. I bring a fist up to my mouth, biting into the knuckle. I bite it hard. I can still hear her crying, trying to muffle the sound and not succeeding at all. _

_The morning is gray. _

_"Can you look at me?" I can hardly hear her, her voice is just the suggestion of sound. "Please?"_

_I turn slowly, and I hope my eyes speak to her everything I feel. Because I'm not holding anything back anymore. I'm too tired, so tired. I know she can see the overhelming love and sadness, the pain that should never have been there. The disappointment, the regret. _

_I know, because I can see it all in her eyes. "I don't even know what to say anymore." I whisper to her, because that's all I can manage. My shoulders slump. _

_"Say anything." Her chin quakes, mascara streaking down her face. _

_"I..." I reach out my hand and use my sleeve to gingerly wipe at her eyes, a gesture that only makes her cry harder. "I never wanted to make you hurt, Spencer. I'm so sorry."_

_I turn around for what feels like the last time, showing her my back, my final retreat. "Please don't go." She wails. "Please, Ashee. I - I...please stay..."_

_I walk away from Spencer, and I feel like I'm ripping a limb from my body._

_"I can't lose you." She calls out to me, pleading. Her voice rips in to me._

_"Forget me, Spencey." I feel warm tears on my cheeks, but I do not turn around. "Forget the girl you kissed by the powerlines, 'kay? It'll be easier."_

_The last thing I hear are her sobs, and I shut myself into my house. Into my room. Under my covers. And I feel like I'm suffocating. _

_I do not go to the last week of school. I do not attend graduation, and I have my diploma mailed to me. I do not leave my apartment, and my Mother forces me to eat every night, and doesn't ask about Spencer._

_She knows better than to come by, for her part, but I do see her lingering outside my window at odd times. _

_Ten days after that night, my inheritence officially becomes mine. I drop it all in the bank except to pay a hefty tuition bill to UCLA, a place I couldn't have gotten into on grades alone. I know that I cannot remain in this complex, I cannot take classes with Spencer at the local community college and waste the summer blowing my money, which was our plan since we were what, 10? _

_I can't stay here and be a hermit. I can't stay here and be reminded every second. I can still smell her, she's worn herself into every aspect of my life and I can't escape it. I have to leave._

_I request that my Mother keep quiet about where I'm disappearing to, and her silence is something that I can buy._

_I leave in the night, by way of a limo that drives me all the way out to Los Angeles. With Los Angeles comes a new life, a new place to live, and new things to get used to. _

_I don't talk to Spencer again._


	15. We Got Sea Legs

I figure I have about an hour before daylight ends when find myself on Spencer's street. Or what I'm quite positive is Spencer's street, I've been lost for a few minutes now. I slow to a snail's pace, seeing duplex after duplex, all the same color.

I peer at the address scrawled on my hand, blinking a few times and navigating the tiny street packed with parked cars.

Out of the corner of my eye, to the left, I see a woman. She's hunched over a row of flowers, and it looks like she's planting a new one. I take one last look at the address, and consider pulling over to ask her for proper directions when I hit the brakes, hard.

It's Spencer. There's no mistaking that shade of blonde, falling out from underneath a faded baseball cap. It has to be her.

I put my car in park and hop out, and it must be her, because though the woman doesn't flinch when my door slams, my skin is buzzing. Vibrating with nerves.

I adjust my sunglasses and take a few paces across the lawn, taking deep breaths. She's still patting the ground, making sure her flower is planted safely in the ground.

I swallow, trying to moisten my mouth that's now completely dry. Of course it is. My stomach is positively churning when I finally open my mouth to speak, wondering if I've made an awful decision in coming here.

"So you garden now."

I see her turn her head, not quite looking at me yet, so I can see the side of her face. I drink it in, her profile, almost fainting. Then I see her tense, recognizing my voice. She faces the flowers again.

"Are you going to look at me?"

Spencer shoots up, spinning around in a split second and I can see that there's surprise in her eyes, yes, but anger's there too. Hair falls out from under her hat, framing her face with the stray strands. She has a tiny smudge of dirt on her chin. She's thinner than I remember, and taller.

She's a woman now, and more beautiful than I can recall.

I take in every single thing I see on her body in a matter of seconds before she takes her potting gloves off, tears her eyes away long enough to look me up and down, taking in the sight of me, and then storms in her front door.

I'm left, a little dumbfounded, a little taken aback, but newly revitalized. Now that I've seen her, there's no way - no way - that I'm just going to stand here. Almost before her door is closed after her I'm on her porch, tapping on the door.

I'm completely itchy with anticipation when Spencer opens her door again, facing me and crossing her arms. The screen door distorts her appearance.

"I wanted to see you." I tell her honestly, feeling like I should explain. I want to hear her speak.

She says nothing, apparently sensing this.

"Is that okay?" I let myself sound vulnerable, because right now, with the way she's looking at me and how I have no clue what she's thinking, that's what I feel. Exceptionally vulnerable.

"I'm not sure."

I'm sure my face flushes at her words, just hearing her voice. I can't help but smile at her, I don't know why.

"Where the hell have you been?" Her body language is telling me that she's not happy to see me.

"LA."

She stares at me, processing this information. "I can't believe you're here."

"I - I can't either." I admit, loving how sincere she sounds. "It just felt right."

"You left."

"I'm here now."

"But you left." She repeats herself firmly, and I think I'm just now understanding how much damage I'd done. Leaving in the night.

"I had to..." I grapple with my words.

"I don't want to talk about it." Spencer sighs a long sigh, shifting on her feet. She looks uncomfortable.

"Alright."

"Why are you here?"

"I missed you." There is no time now for anything but the truth.

"You didn't miss me enough to call."

"I couldn't call you, Spencer." I bite my lip. "It was too hard."

She laughs rudely at this, and I try to peer through the screen door to get a better look at her.

"Will you open the door so I can see you better?" I use my smoothest voice.

Spencer hesitates for a moment, then opens her door to me. I gaze at her, softening my features. She looks very tired, very worn out. I wonder why I didn't notice at first. "Are you okay?"

She just shrugs, leaning against the doorframe in an attempt to appear casual. She fails at this.

"Will you come out to lunch with me?" I ask, wondering if I'm pushing my luck.

Spencer looks unsure.

"I think I'm like, triple parked." I give her a tiny smile, hoping she catches it. "I'd really enjoy the company."

She does catch it, and gives me a resigned look. "Let me grab my coat."

I wait outside, feeling like a stranger.

_"Ashley, if that girl touches you again, tell me. Because I'm going to beat her ass." Spencer says grimly. The girl in question, Lena, was angry at me for making a snide comment about her hairy arms when she took Spencer's seat in art class._

_"Spencey, she only shoulderchecked me." I insist, not wanting Spencer to get into any trouble. It was only the first day of seventh grade._

_"Yeah, but she's totally on steroids and she's doing more damage than I'm willing to let anyone do to you." She tells me, taking me by the hand and walking me down the hallway. _

_It's later that week, early in the morning and I'm working out my locker combination, concentrating because I have a tendency to be late for class fiddling with my lock, when I hear someone approach from behind. I figure it's Spencer, who's supposed to meet me, until that someone pushes my face against the door of my locker with surprising force._

_"Wha - " That's all I get out before my forehead connects with metal locker, then I'm wincing and holding my head. _

_I turn around and find Lena, in all her hairy armed glory, laughing triumphantly at me. Her laughter does not last long, however, because we both hera a loud shriek and see Spencer, a blonde blur, speeding down the hall, a battering ram with a stationary target. _

_"Hey - " Lena's sentence is cut short by Spencer launching herself through the air and hurtling straight into her, bodyslamming her hard into the wall, a good three or four feet behind them._

_Lena is dazed by the impact, but Spencer hops right up. dusting herself off and shaking her head at the girl. "Are you going to leave Ashley alone?"_

_Lena is holding her elbow, grimacing with pain. "Whatever."_

_Spencer starts forward, making the girl flinch. "Is that a yes?"_

_"Yes." Lena glares daggers, but Spencer just laughs at her. _

_Spencer rushes over to me, grabbing my books out of my locker and leading me quickly out of the hall before a teacher notices what happened. "Did she hurt you?"_

_I rub my forehead lightly, shaking my head. "It's just a little sore."_

_She sets my books down, her brow creased with concern. It's cute. "Lemme see." She takes my hands away from it and inspects me thoroughly before she decides that yes, I am okay. _

_"Muah." She kisses it softly. "Now it'll heal faster."_

_She carried my books the entire day, and used her lunch money to buy me a cupcake at lunch._

"What's good here?" I ask, fiddling with the menu.

Spencer merely shrugs, taking a sip of her water.

"You don't know?"

"Try the pasta." She says indifferently. Sometimes I'll catch her staring at me when I'm not looking, and she'll drop her eyes.

"Is something wrong?" I ask her, trying not to sound so probing.

"Did you really come here to talk about the food?" She demands. Spencer never really had such a short temper.

"Um, I guess not." I drop my menu pointedly. "I came here to see you."

"Is that it?"

"That's not enough? You're my best friend - "

"Was your best friend." She cuts me off, ice in her tone. This slices through me, quieting me. I avert my eyes.

"You know." Spencer implores. "You're the one that left. For a long, long time."

"I'm aware of that."

"Without even telling me where you went, or without - "

"Are we really going to compare the list of wrongs the other has done to us?" I snap. "Because I think I might win."

Spencer's eyes flash. "I would never have left you!" She hisses, anger finally bursting out of her. Four years and we're finally having this argument that has eaten at both of us.

"You left me long before I moved out of that apartment, Spencer." I tell her breathlessly, holding her stare and not letting go.

"That's not true." But her voice wavers.

"You can't even admit it." I counter. "You crushed me, and blame me when I leave."

"If you don't know how much it halfway killed me to do that to you, then you didn't know me at all." She says, and I hear remorse in her voice.

But I'm not done saying the things I've wanted to say for a long time. "Know you? Know you, Spencer? I know that if it halfway killed you then it completely murdered me. And if you know me at all, you know that I would never have left you if I had anything - any single damn thing left in me to give to you."

"You don't think I wish it could have been different?" She demands, leaning forward onto the table, gripping it. "Believe me, Ashley."

"Was I not enough?" I ask, despondant. "This Taylor girl...is she what you want? Is she the one that had what it takes, and not me?" This thought makes it hard to breathe, even after all these years.

Spencer's face falls magnificently, and she sinks back into her chair. "It's not like that, Ashley..."

"Was it all just a game to you?"

"Taylor...Taylor is what I need right now."

I grind my teeth together, "Then I'll go." I push my chair back, standing up, ready to leave. My instincts are kicking in, and I'm sensing heartache ready to attack me once again, this time with a vengeance. My flight sense is screaming at me to leave. "I didn't know what I was doing, coming here, but..."

I'm almost to the door, with no intention of turning around, when I hear Spencer. "Ashee."

I close my eyes tightly at her voice, her siren song. I know I can't stand up to it. I turn around as slow as I can, lip quivering slightly.

She's walking toward me, looking apologetic and stricken.

"Please don't call me that, Spencer."

She just stares at me, a sad, haunted look that roots me to the spot I'm standing on now.

"What am I thinking?" She whispers, and a tingle crawls down my spine, making me shiver.

I can't even sigh. "Yeah. I'll stay."


	16. Does Your Heart Echo Like A Hall

"Do you want to come in?"

I'm still shaken from our fight. So much was said, harsh words. And there's still so much left to say, so much left to speak that I have to say yes. But the tension in the air has relaxed and I know she's not inviting me in to argue with me.

"If you want me to."

She pushes open my car door, giving me an obvious smile. "Come on, silly."

The inside of her house is even nicer than the outside. Everything is perfectly pristine, it looks like everything has its exact place to be. I don't want to touch anything.

"Wow, this is..."

"Sterile?"

"Oh, it's not that bad."

"Taylor designed it, picked everything out. The furniture, everything."

"Well, then, it sucks." I say, earning the first genuine Spencer laugh of the evening.

"It's just her taste, you know."

I look at the walls, which are mostly bare. Large, uncomfortable looking chairs are scattered throughout the living room, and Spencer sits in one of them, motioning for me to take on across from it.

The hardwood floor makes every footfall almost deafening. Never liked wood floors.

"So, where is your failed fashionista now?" I cock an eyebrow, trying to get comfortable in the chair.

"She's away. On business. I think she's in New York right now. Something like that." Spencer says, nodding. "The norm. She's something big in the music industry."

"Sounds...lucrative." I don't particularly want to hear about Taylor, so I give the room another once over. There's a small table by the entrance to the hallway, the only table in the house with any decoration on it. Pictures sit, side by side, in giant, tacky frames. "Is that her?" I ask, standing up to get a better look.

"Yeah. The one in the red jacket."

I peer at the picture. A tiny, blackhaired girl with a big smile and what looks like an even bigger attitude giving the camera devil horns. "She looks charming." I set the picture down, knowing Spencer can detect the sarcasm in my voice. I pick up another. "Nice cowboy hat here, by the way."

"Oh, hush. We were at a Tim and Faith concert."

"Gross." I make a face and put the picture back, preparing to return to my seat, but something catches my eye. A smaller picture, towards the back. "No way." I say in disbelief, picking up the photo to give it a closer look. "I remember this."

Spencer gets up to look over my shoulder. "Yeah." She sounds a little shy about it. Ten year old Ashley and Spencer peer up at us from the photo, with cheeky grins and mouths red from popsicles. "It was at the fair, remember? We won the popsicles in the - "

"In the hula hoop competition. You out hula hooped twelve other girls and won - "

"Dun dun dun..."

"An entire box of cherry flavored popsicles!" I exclaim, and we dissolved into laughter. I gaze back at the picture. "I wanted grape, but you - "

"Insisted on cherry, because grape is gross."

"Ah!" I act offended, setting the picture down delicately. "Grape is so not gross."

"Keep tellin' yourself that. One day, you will learn..." She nods wisely, then her eyes light up. "Oh!" She disappears into the hallway for a second, and I assume she went into her room for something when she comes out with another picture, this one bigger and in a classy, steel frame. "Remember this one?" She hands it over to me.

"We have to be about sixteen, but...I have no idea where we took this." I look at her, frowning, but she's just grinning at me.

"Me neither. I have no idea where that picture's from." She giggles, and I stare at her, then look back at picture.

"Really?"

"I don't even know where we are." Spencer shrugs.

This makes me laugh. "That's so weird. But we look nice."

"Mhm. It's a really god picture. One of my favorites, actually." She says fondly.

"You think you could make a copy?" I ask. "For me?"

"Of course." She agrees easily, then looks at the picture in my hands. "Actually, just keep that one."

"You sure?"

"I have like, an entire duffel bag full of pictures." She tells me pointedly.

"Oh. You kept them." I make my way back over to my seat, escaping her gaze.

"Why wouldn't I? I didn't mind being reminded..." She trails off, coming back to sit across from me. The air is heavy again, and I lay the picture in my lap.

"I never wanted things to end up the way they did, Spencer. Sometimes..." She shakes her head, feeling a little ashamed for the way things worked out. She looks so much older, so much more mature. But there's still that same sadness mixed with the blue in her eyes, the kind that I think only I bring her.

"Sometimes you feel like you're suffocating." Spencer supplies. "And you need to get out."

I nod mutely.

"I cried for...a long time." Spencer confesses, and I meet her eye. She seems like she's been wanting to let this out for a while now. "In your room. I'd crawl in your bed and lie there for hours, waiting for you to come back."

I listen to her very closely, watching her lips move. I feel like this is a story she hasn't told before.

"I thought you'd come back, I...I was sure of it. My Mother told me not to rely on you to show up again, but I told her I knew you better than anyone. That you would come back to me because...because we were in love." She gives a tiny laugh at this, though there's nothing but regret and humiliation in it. This bit of information hits me particularly hard, right in the heart. "She didn't like that too much..."

"Oh, Spencer." The reality of what I lost when I left for so long hits me in that second. I feel ashamed for turning my back on Spencer, giving up on her when all she needed was time.

I feel like crying for her. For both of us, I feel like bursting into fucking tears, right there in her living room. Surrounded by pictures of her and her girlfriend, pictures that I should have been in, just me and Spencer. This should be our living room, and we definitely should not be this far apart right now "I didn't know..."

"You wouldn't." Spencer runs a hand through her hair. I don't speak, not knowing what to say that my silence isn't telling already. Guilt devours me in an instant.

"Uh...I waited weeks, then months, and then...then I stopped crying." Spencer shrugs at this, but the color is draining from her face, just at the recollection of those hard times. "The call never came, you didn't either. Things were pretty hard after that..." She seems like she's going to go on, but all she does is bring her thumbnail up to her mouth, biting at it. Old habits die hard, I guess.

"What about you?"

I blink a few times. "Shouldn't bite your nails." I say, still recovering.

She just sighs, dropping her hand into her lap and looking at me expectantly. I feel drained, but I owe her this much, atleast. "Um, UCLA. Majored in Liberal Studies. Just graduated, got a loft in the heart of LA. Living off the trust." I mutter, squirming in the chair. Anything I have to offer after her retelling of the past seems inconsequential, at best.

"Oh. Well, that's good. You have your degree." She's nodding, a hint of a smile on her lips. "I'm proud of you."

"Thanks."

"I always thought you left the state." Spencer tells me, pulling her knees up to her chest.

"Nope. Just...escaped to the city."

Spencer's nodding, watching my face. I'm sure I look extremely worn out. I feel like escaping right now, going somewhere by myself and having a good cry.

"I never thought I'd see you again." She admits softly, chin on her knees.

"Well, here I am." I smile weakly. "I won't let us become strangers again, Spencey."

She visibly reacts to the use of our old childhood nickname, her eyes downcast. She bites at her lip. "Do you promise?" She asks in a whisper. I feel that if we're ever to make us right again, to regain what we lost, there's a lot of work ahead of us. I start at that instant.

"Come here."

She looks confused for a second, then stands up uncertainly and pads over. I gesture for her to lean down, and she does, only a bit hesitantly.

"I promise." I tell her earnestly, reaching out and pressing my hand softly against her chest, where I can feel the heart beating there. Something I've done so often in the past, something I know she recognizes, and understands.

She lets out a long sigh, and lets herself fall against my chest, and I envelope her in a hug. It's contact we both need after so long, and it gives me a warmth I haven't felt in what seems like forever. Her touch is something I haven't forgotten, it's something I never would allow to become foreign to me.

So, though things aren't even close to being okay, and so much still needs to be said, we hold each other. We hold each other together, for just a little while.


	17. The Sun Does Rise

"You look like you've seen a ghost." Hailey remarks, sounding about three sheets to the wind and still going strong.

"Give me a freaing drink." I slump into the chair. "You don't know the half of it."

It was a long drive home.

Hailey fumbles to the fridge and I hear the clinking of bottles, and soon, she's offering me a frosty Corona. "Want a lime?"

I pop the top and down half the beer, shaking my head no.

"How'd it go?" Hailey ruffles her hair.

"It...went." I just shrug.

"I've been drinking alone and watching reruns of Full House for the past three hours." Hailey tells me. "I want details."

My eyes glaze over and I stare at the wall. "Well, she has a girlfriend."

"No she doesn't."

I nod, finishing my beer. "She does."

"She does..." Hailey stands up without another word, and brings out a half empty bottle of tequila. Patron. "Let's get started, then."

I smile dimly. Sometimes Hailey just knows what to do. I comply without another word, downing two shots consecutively with a grimace.

One beer later, I'm in the perfect mood to relay my entire day to Hailey, who is listening with a drunk attentiveness. "She said she cried when I left. Actually had pictures of me in her living room, can you believe it?" I stare at the beer in my hands. "She was kind of mad at me when I got there, but...you know she came out right after I left?"

Hailey's jaw drops, pausing with her beer inches from her lips. "No shit?"

"She was waiting for me to come back to her and be with her." I allow myself to sound miserable, and my eyes water. "I screwed it up, Hailey. I messed it all up."

Before I know it, she's squeezing me in a supportive hug. "You did what you thought you had to do. You can't be blamed for that."

"I think I can." I paw at my face, pulling away from the hug. "You reek of smoke."

"I've been chain smoking all day." She admits, shrugging and sitting cross legged on the floor.

"I just..." I chew the inside of my lip, shaking my head. "It was so much harder on her than I thought it would be. It tore her up...I didn't want it to be like that. I left because I thought it would make things easier on us."

"Doesn't sound like it did." Hailey states the obvious, just slurring her words a little. "Does she blame you, do you think? Is she still sore about it?"

"She hugged me before I left, she's never been able to stay mad at me for long." I say, sighing about my day. "But a lot changes in four years. It just reminded me of how much...God, how much I missed her. I almost forgot, but...now I know I have to be back in her life." I take a long drink of my beer. "No matter what."

"Are you going to see her again?"

I nod, staring at the air in front of my face. "She wants me to meet her girlfriend."

"Are you going to?"

"What do you think?" I say, and Hailey nods. She knows I'll go through whatever I have to to make things right again I get up and walk over to my purse. "Check this out." I hold the framed picture out to Hailey, offering it to her.

She takes it from me, staring at it for a few seconds. "How old were you?"

"Sixteen..."

Hailey's low whistle lulls me into a daydream.

_"Spencer!"_

_Spencer's crazy grin doesn't fade at the sound of my alarmed voice. _

_"Spencer, you goon." I say, troubled by her antics. She's teetering precariously on the edge of a large rock face, pond below her, and with nowhere to go but down. "You're going to break your ankles if you jump! This water isn't more than three inches deep."_

_"I wasn't gonna jump." Spencer says easily. _

_"Then how are you going to get back down?" I demand, rolling my jeans up to my knees and wading into the creek, peering up at her, twenty or twenty five feet in the air. _

_"I don't know." Spencer's laugh is giddy, and I know she hasn't thought this far ahead. _

_"How'd you get on that rock?"_

_"I jumped onto it."_

_"You're the craziest twelve year old I know." I tell her. "How am I gonna get you down?"_

_"I'm going to jump!"_

_"No!'"_

_"Why?"_

_"I do not want to have to push you around in a wheelchair because you jumped off a cliff at your family picnic!" I say, storming out of the water and going to the hill side of the cliff._

_"What're you doing, Ashee?"_

_"I'm gonna come get you." I mutter, taking slow steps and using my hands to head up the steep incline._

_"You hate heights!"_

_"Like I'm just gonna leave you." I roll my eyes up at her, shaking my head back and forth. _

_"Don't fall." Spencer watches me, concerned. _

_I climb for what seems forever, until I reach a rock and cling to it, turning to look behind me. I feel a strong sense of vertigo, until Spencer snaps me out of my thoughts. _

_"You okay?" She yells, because she can no longer see me._

_"Yeah." I say loudly, trying to sound confident but feeling like it's a long way until I reach the top. I finally do and take a deep breath, not even daring to look over the edge. Beads of sweat drip down my forehead, and I wipe them away, approaching the edge._

_"I can't believe you did this." I mutter, nervousness making my voice small as I inch myself closer to the edge. _

_"I'm sorry, jeez." I hear Spencer from under the edge. Legs slightly shaking, I peer over, seeing her about 6 feet down, on a rock jutting out of the cliff side. _

_I can't believe she jumped down there. "I'm going to pull you up, okay?"_

_"Can you do that?" She asks as I lower myself onto my stomach, swallowing my fear at dangling myself off the side of a cliff._

_"I guess I have to, don't I?" I let my arm hang down._

_"Don't drop me, Ashee." She reaches up, grabbing my hand with both of hers. _

_"I wouldn't dream of it." I reassure her with my eyes, and struggle to lift her up. It's harder than I imagined it would be, and use both hands._

_"God, Spencer...how much lunch did you eat?" I grunt, making slow progress. I pull her up far enough so that she can grab the side, and then I hook my hands under her arms, pulling her completely onto the surface._

_I sit back, catching my breath and letting my arms rest. _

_"That was intense!" Spencer cries, standing up. She glances over the side of the cliff, eyes gleaming._

_"Real intense." I stand up slowly, ready to head back down the cliff. "Let's get down from here."_

_Spencer hurries up to me and hugs me around the neck. "Thanks for saving my butt." _

_I can't help but return the hug, but quickly. "Let's head back down, yeah?"_

_"Sure." Spencer agrees, knowing I don't enjoy being up so high. She takes my hand and we start down the side of the cliff. _

_"Hey..." I pull her back gently. "Will you stop doing such stupid stuff? You make me worry my head off."_

_She just smiles in return, but then her face falls, looking down at my arm. "You're bleeding." She frowns. "Let me see."_

_She gently grasps my arm where it scraped against the rock, pulling her up, and looks at it. "Oh, man. Does it hurt?"_

_"Not really." I lie, watching blood drops leak down my arm._

_"It has to." Spencer gushes, whipping the bandana off her head and using it to wipe away the blood. _

_"Spencer, you don't have to - "_

_"Shh. I owe you." _

_She wraps it around my arm, patting it gently, and then gives me an encouraging nod. "We'll put some medicine on it when we get home, then it won't hurt so much."_

_"It doesn't hurt." I say again, as it throbs a little._

_She narrows her eyes at me, snaking an arm around my waist. "Yeah, yeah. Sure." _

_"It doesn't." I insist._

_"Ashee, come on. I know you too well." She presses a quick kiss into my temple and leads me down the hill. _

"What do you want?" I ask groggily, mouth dry.

"Ashley, dear. How are you?" My Mother's voice crackles into my ear.

"What time is it in Florida?" I demand, covering my eyes with my arm.

She ignores the question and plunges ahead. "The hotel is coming along beautifully dear. Just beyond what I imagined. You really should see it. Have you thought about - "

"You're talking too fast." I say, feeling a headache coming on.

"You sound sick. Are you sick?"

"No."

"Oh, that's good. What I was going to say was, have you thought about that position I offered you? I really need a reliable answer because if you don't - "

"I said I'd think about it."

"If you don't agree to it I have to start interviewing applicants immediately."

"I know, Mom."

"Have you been thinking about it?"

"I said I have." I groan. "If you listened when I speak."

"I do listen, Ashley. Is that a yes?"

"It's a maybe!"

"I really need an answer, dear. I would absolutely love it if you could come down, just to look. See if you'd like it."

"It's complicated right now, I mean, I have a roommate and it's - "

"It's not hard to find a roommate in LA."

"I know that, Mom. It's just - I'll call you back, okay?"

"But you're thinking about it."

"Yes."

"Heavily considering it?"

"Yes!"

"Goodbye, dear."

I hang up.


	18. Imperfect Fit

My phone rings, again. I fight the urge to throw it across the room and instead press it loosely to my ear. "Jesus Christ, Mom, I said I was thinking about it!"

"Thinking about what?"

Spencer's voice makes my eyes pop wide open. "I'm so sorry, Spencer. I thought you were my Mom. She's been blowing me up all morning."

Spencer chuckles. "That's okay. Did I wake you up?"

I sit up, cracking my back and stifling a yawn. "Not even a little. What's up?" I enjoy the fact that she called me, only a single day later, immensely.

"Well, you know, Taylor's getting into town today."

"Yeah..."

"I think it would be really great if she could meet you."

I gulp. "Um, why, exactly?"

"I mean, if you don't want to, that's fine, I just thought, maybe - "

"Spencer." I stop her before she can go on. That girl can ramble. "I would love to meet her."

"Really?" Her voice brightens considerably.

"Sure. If you want me to, I want to."

"Thanks, Ashley. This means so much to me, you don't even know."

"Even though I don't have to approve of her, right, Spencey?" I smile into my pillow.

"Although, hopefully, you do." She says, softly. "And I know it's a long drive out here, so I'll totally give you gas money if - "

"Now you're just being silly." I stop her right there. "I'll see you in a few hours, okay?"

"Okay." I can hear the smile in her voice.

"Goodbye, Spencer."

"See you soon."

_"What is your problem today, Spencer? Jeez." I flop down on my stomach next to her in bed. _

_"I'm in a bad mood."_

_"Tell me something I don't know, Sherlock."_

_She gives me a dirty look, and I soften. "Okay. Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"_

_"Yes." She buries her face in her pillow._

_"Then...shoot."_

_"I don't think I should."_

_I can tell by the tone of her voice what this is about, and I don't press her further. I know better now and I've gotten better at this game. I just reach out and run a finger along her eyebrow. "That's fine."_

_Summer before eleventh grade, and things have been like this for a long time. "Do you ever feel like..." Spencer begins, then shakes her head. "Nevermind."_

_"No, no. It's okay, Button. Just talk to me."_

_Spencer looks at me and appears troubled, then sits up. I do as well, patting her back. "Or don't talk to me. We can just sit here."_

_"Things are just getting to me lately." _

_"I know how you feel." I tell her with a half smile. _

_"You don't." She says, and there's no maliciousness or anger in her voice. She's just stating a fact in a quiet voice. "You probably understand more than anyone, but you don't know..." Her eyes cloud over with something I can't quite place, and then she leans down and places her head in my lap, asking for comfort._

_I do this for her the best I can, snaking my fingers through her hair. "You're right. I don't. But I'm always here for you when you do feel like you're going crazy. Because I know how that is."_

_She closes her eyes, wrapping both arms around my leg and cuddling closer to my thigh. "I don't feel so crazy anymore."_

_"Yeah?" _

_"It's just...sometimes it's almost like everyone's pressuring me. To be...whatever it is they want me to be." She murmurs, eyes still closed._

_I stay silent._

_"And I can't make everyone happy, you know? It's just..."_

_"Impossible."_

_"Yeah." She squeezes my leg tighter, and I run a finger along her cheek, tracing her features. "It's just impossible."_

_"Maybe not so impossible." I say, almost whispering. "Maybe it just seems harder than it is."_

_I wonder how we've gotten to this point, how we can talk, this strange doublespeak we've gotten so good at, and say everything and nothing at the exact same time. _

_"I don't think so." _

_I sigh, and lean down, my hair draping her face and shielding us from the world. "Don't let anyone get to you, okay, Spencey? Not even me." Then I give her a warm kiss on her cheek, threading my hand through her hair. _

_It surprises and scares me how intimate we've managed to get without going anywhere, or saying anything. _

_We hear a tap on the door and then we pull apart to see Paula standing at the door, with a slightly dismayed look on her face. "Dinner, girls." She walks away without another word._

_Spencer glances up at me and then slowly untangles herself from me, going to sit on the opposite side of the bed and gives me a sympathetic look. A look I read well on Spencer._

_I feel bonded to her in a way that can never be undone._

"What time does her flight get in?" I ask Spencer, who's tapping her foot impatiently.

"Five minutes ago."

"Oh."

"Yeah." Spencer's watching the terminal for any sight of Taylor.

"You're really excited, aren't you?" I observe.

Spencer gives me a subdued look. "Not really. I mean, yeah, I miss her. But she's gone so much, this feels like protocol. I hardly ever even meet her at the airport."

"Oh. Well. You two sound close." I mutter jokingly, sticking my hands in my pockets.

"There she is!" Spencer grasps my arm, and I don't have to look far into the distance before I see a young woman with an eyebrow ring pulling what looks like very expensive luggage walking towards us.

Spencer speedwalks to meet her and gives her a quick hug, pointing to me and whispering something. They do not kiss, to my surprise. I'd anticipated it as something I would have to look away to avoid cringing at, so I am thankful.

"So you're the girl in the picture." Taylor's rough voice reminds me vaguely of Hailey's.

"That would be me." I say, feeling a little complimented and knowing it was silly. Taylor gives me a loose handshake. "Ashley Da - "

"Davies. As in, Raif Davies. As in, heir to the Davies fortune. Rich city girl, am I right?" Taylor gives me a smirky look and I pull my hand back, not like the skeeze I sense from her.

"I'm multifaceted." I grumble, turning to Spencer. "Aren't I, Spencer?"

"I would say quadrupal-faceted, but that might not be a word." She gives me an adorable grin, and I scrunch my nose at her.

"Well, you just said it, so I think it's just been invented." I let her know playfully.

"Oh, is that how it works?" Spencer jokes, and I nod, looking sure of myself.

"Pretty sure, actually."

"Sorry, babe." Taylor slings an arm over Spencer. "It's not in the dictionary." She says seriously. I don't think Spencer is ever too playful around Taylor.

"Oh, hey, let me help you with some of that." I offer, holding an arm out to grab some of Taylor's luggage.

"You don't have to."

"It's no problem."

"I'm sure you got people to carry your bags, right, Davies? People to hold your umbrella for you when it's raining outside?" Taylor says in a voice that I'm only half sure is teasing.

"Um..." I say, a little fazed by what I assume is her rudeness.

"Taylor's just kidding." Spencer assures me, then regards Taylor. "Ashley's not that kind of girl."

"Sure."

I walk on the side closest to Spencer, thinking I don't believe Taylor's very nice at all. I don't think she picks up on the way Spencer shoots me an apologetic look and squeezes my shoulder on the way into the car.

This girl seems oblivious.

"What's on the schedule for tonight, babe?" Taylor drawls, sitting in the passenger seat of the car with her feet on the dash.

I roll my eyes at the use of the lame pet name and Spencer lets Taylor know they have dinner at her Mother's house tonight.

"Paula?" I interrupt. "How is she?" I want to know, honestly.

"She's actually really great. Still working, of course, but - hey." Spencer's eyes light up and she turns around to face me. "You should totally come!"

"I don't, uh..." I glance at Taylor to see how she responded to that, but she's just popping her gum. "Are you sure?"

Spencer gives me her sweetest look. "I'd like nothing more. And she'd love to see you."

"Really?" I allow myself to get excited.

Spencer reaches behind her and squeezes my knee briefly. "Are you kidding me? You're like her second daughter."

I smile at this, content. "Alright. Then, I'm in."

Spencer beams. "Great."

"Another wonderful night at Casa Carlin." Taylor turns the stereo up, not sounding interested in the least.


	19. This Cut Runs Deep

I hated to admit that when we got back to Taylor and Spencer's house, it was obvious that they were used to being a couple. They clearly had their routines, and they were used to them. They had pet names, they made cute faces, and they had their own intimate language that I couldn't pretend to understand.

But everytime I caught Spencer sharing a moment with Taylor, she had a strange, guilty look on my face.

Taylor proved to be as obnoxious as ever, only talking about work, and Spencer must have been used to it because she mostly ignored it. I wonder what made her this way, and then I figured that I had a pretty good idea.

When I found myself standing timidly behind Spencer and Taylor outside of Paula Carlin's front steps, I felt myself grateful for a break in the odd company I'd been keeping all day.

Glen answers the door, much to my delight. Before Spencer could even announce, "Glen, we brought comp - " he barged through them and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug.

"No freaking way!"

I had to laugh at his exuberance, and when he pulled me apart, he had a look of shocked excitement on his face. "Ashley Davies returns!"

"You got a goatee!" I squeal, reaching out to pinch his facial hair.

"And you got hotter!" He cries, picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder in one swift motion.

"Don't drop her!" I hear Spencer warn him, but he just carries me triumphantly into the living room, and I'm giggling the whole way, thrashing my legs.

"Mom! Check it out - you're never gonna guess who I Ashley-napped off the front porch!" He calls out into the house, and I hear Paula's voice before I see her, because my upper half is still slung over his back.

"Is that who I think it is?"

Glen finally drops me on the ground, and I turn around to greet Paula, flicking him on the shoulder. "What, you couldn't tell from the rear end view?" I ask cutely, and she holds her arms out for a hug. I oblige her happily.

"It's good to see you, Ashley." She says warmly, and I release her.

"Spencer, where'd you find her?" Glen asks, turning to Spencer and Taylor who are just now entering the house.

"She found us." Spencer explains. "Showed up on my lawn yesterday."

"Well, we're glad to have you back." Paula says, patting me on the cheek.

"You are back, right?" Glen inquires, and I turn around, looking at Spencer, who has a curious look, as well.

"Um...I don't know yet. But I'm here tonight." I say brightly.

"And I'm making porkchops, so everyone have a seat." Paula orders, clapping her hands together and hustling us into the dining room. "Glen, get an extra chair for Ashley and set her a plate."

"No prob, yo."

Glen makes me a seat opposite Spencer and Taylor, and soon dishes are serves, and glasses are filled, and we're digging in.

"So, Ashley. Tell us what you've been doing with yourself." Paula says.

"Not too much, really. Just graduated from UCLA, and now I live in LA." I waved my fork around. "Traffic's terrible, but it's a nice place. I like it."

"UCLA." Paula nods her head, eyes flitting to Spencer. "So that's where you ran off to." She says goodnaturedly.

"UCLA?" Glen intones. "Lame. I thought you bought yourself an island or something and paid slaves to wave you with palm fronds."

I laugh at him. "Hardly. Just got me some of that education everyone's been talking about."

"If I had your cash, I'd stay so far away from books that I would forget to read." Glen says seriously, shoving potato in his mouth.

"Glen, chew with your mouth closed, please. It's not cud." Paula requests, then smiles at me. "He coaches the boys basketball team at King."

"Ah, sweet." I say. "Reliving your glory days, huh?"

"None of 'em are as good as I was." He waves his fork in the air. "My records are unbeatable."

I can't help but smile. Glen was always killer on the court. "Full of yourself much?"

He grins at me with a mouthful of salad, and Paula slaps him lightly on the arm.

"I got back from New York today." Taylor pipes up.

"Did you bring me back anything cool?" Glen asks.

"I was there on work."

Glen just rolls his eyes while she continues. "So this new artist we've been working with, her projected record sales are really great. We're pretty optimistic."

"Oh, that's great. Anyone we know?" Spencer asks, trying to move the conversation along.

Taylor takes a bite of her corn, shaking her head. "No, but if it comes through it could mean a big paycheck." She wiggles her eyebrows, and I wish Paula would chastise her for chewing with her mouth open. I look away.

"That's great, Taylor." Spencer pats her arm affectionately.

"So, are you in it for the money?" I ask, genuinely interested. "Or is it more of a passion for you?"

"You know, it's pretty awesome to meet famous people and stuff, but the money's really great. Someone's got to pay the bills." She shrugs at this, digging into her potatoes, and Spencer presses her lips together, twitching her eyebrow.

I frown at Taylor for what a rude remark she made, but I don't think she thought anything of it. "Spencer's not working these days..." Paula explains. "She hasn't quite been able to put herself on the right path since - "

"Mom." Spencer interrupts.

"She dropped out of art school."

"Mother." Spencer says, warning in her voice.

"You dropped out of art school?" I ask her, and she just looks at me in the eyes, and shrugs.

"I dumped a lot of tuition money on two years, and then poof, she quit." Paula says, overly casual. "Just like that."

"I do not want to talk about this right now." Spencer grumbles, squirming in her seat, clearly uncomfortable.

"The new house is really beautiful, Paula." I ask suddenly, doing my best to save her. "When did you guys move out of the complex?"

"About the time your Mother sold it." Paula says, nodding, and Spencer shoots me a grateful look. I give her a quick smile and turn my attention on Paula. "About a year and a half or so after you left."

"And never said goodbye." Glen interjects.

"Glen." Paula shoots him a look.

"What, I'm just saying."

"Yeah, word is she escaped into the night." Taylor laughs out loud, and I glare straight at her.

"I had my reasons."

Taylor looks at me, amused. "What, were you too privileged, or too rich? Because damn, that sounds tough." She sounds like she's joking, and she looks around the table to see who else is laughing with her. No one. There is obvious animosity in my look towards her, and everyone but Taylor understands why.

"You don't know anything about me." I tell her evenly, and take a bite of my salad, looking away from her.

"Well, Spencer - "

"Mom, these potatoes are delicious. Is there garlic in here?" Spencer cuts Taylor off before she can go any further.

"And cream cheese. Makes them a little extra creamy." Paula says, smiling tightly.

"And extra heart attack-y." Glen pats his chest.

"This coming from the guy who ate fifty buffalo wings in one sitting?" I ask, quirking an eyebrow.

"That was on a bet!"

"Um, it was Ashley's and my bet, and it was that you wouldn't stop eating until you died." Spencer says, not able to contain her laughter.

"You lived." I remark regretfully. "I lost a dollar."

"Whatever, man. That was during basketball season. I was training." Glen defends himself.

Spencer and I burst into giggles. "That's what you always said when you ate like a dumptruck." Spencer looks at me, and we both do our best Glen imitation. "Man, I'm trainin'!"

Now we launch into a routine.

"Glen, why are you eating that whole cake by yourself?" Spencer asks me in a high voice.

I frown and make a muscle. "Man, don't you know I'm trainin'?"

Even Glen cracks a smile at this. "Hey, Glen, why are you making an entire pan of biscuits just for yourself?" I ask Spencer, sounding concerned.

Spencer puffs her chest out, making Paula snort. "Coach made us run seventy miles in twelve minutes! It's because we're training!"

"I can't even bake!" Glen cries, pointing a finger. "That is false."

Spencer and I can't help but laugh until our stomachs hurt, going so far as to high five each other in a show of solidarity.

"Glen, you were a very hungry teenager, that I will admit." Paula says, still grinning from our impromptu stand up act, and stands up to gather the dishes. "On that note, it looks like we're all finished here."

"Paula, let me help." I stand up immediately, grabbing my plate and Glen's.

"Oh, how nice." Paula smiles at me and gestures for me to follow her into the kitchen.

"That was so great, Paula. You have no idea how much I miss home cooking." I tell her, scraping the plates into the garbage.

"Oh, it was my treat. It's so great to see you again."

"Likewise."

She turns to me, lowering her voice. "Spencer and Taylor have been dating for a year and a half, and she's never once offered to help me clear the table."

"She seems...uh." I set the plate down into the soapy water. "She seems like a brat."

"That's putting it nicely."

Spencer pops in through the swinging door, with her plate and Taylor's. She empties them into the sink and turns to me. "Taylor really wants to go home."

"And leave the party?" I frown, crossing my arms. "Just tell her to go home."

"I can't, that would be rude." Spencer tells me, looking sorry.

"Oh, like she's been acting all night?" Paula interjects. I nod in agreeance.

"Your Mom's totally right, Spencer."

Spencer frowns at her Mother, then turns her attention back to me. "You took your car, so..."

"You two go. I'll leave from here."

Spencer looks sad for a split second then nods. "Will I see you soon?"

"Sooner than you think, Button." Something about standing in this kitchen, with Spencer and her Mother, sends me back to the good days, and the nickname inadvertantly slips out of my mouth.

Spencer's eyes fog over for a second, and then she gives me a shy, heartwrenching smile. "Good." She steps forward and presses a hot kiss right into my cheek. "Goodnight, Ashley."

I stand there until she leaves the room, then I turn to Paula, who's giving me a funny look.

"Never goes away, does it?" She remarks offhandedly.

"What?"

She just shakes her head knowingly. "You know, I had a lot of problems with my daughter being gay." She admits, seemingly out of nowhere. "And...it's been a little hard coming to terms with it. Sometimes I even pretend she's straight, just for my own sake of mind." I know that there's this side to Paula, and always will be. But she's a loving woman, and I can't fault her for her beliefs, ever. "But I would rather she date a monkey wearing pants than that girl."

I can't contain my laughter, and Glen comes in to see what's so funny.

"You two, shoo. I have to clean up this kitchen and report to surgery at the crack of dawn. Paula says, whipping at us lightly with the dishrag. "Ashley, you're always more than welcome. It was a treat seeing you again." She smiles at me just before the door swings shut.

Glen drags me out of the kitchen and into the backyard, where there's a long bench and I sit down on it. He disappears into a side door leading into the garage, coming out with two cans of beer.

"Up for a brew?" He shakes it in my face and I take it, popping the top.

"Pabst?" I ask, looking at the label.

"It's cheap."

"Gross." But I drink it anyways. It's cold, and refreshes me after tonight.

"Ashalicious." He takes a chug. Glen and I have always gotten along well. We have a long history of video games, wrestling matches, and witty insults never intended to hurt. I've seen him as nothing but a big brother, but sometimes I wonder if there are different universes, and maybe in one of them, if there was a straight Ashley doesn't fall in stupid, crazy love with Spencer, and ends up with her older brother Glen, happily ever after.

It certainly sounds easier, but that's not the way it worked out in this universe. So instead, we share a beer. "Didn't think we'd ever see you again."

"I thought the same thing."

"So, what changed your mind, then?"

"I don't know. I started remembering, you know?" I shrug. "Ran into Dennison."

"Oh. He steered you in the right direction, then?"

"I guess. He actually gave me the wrong address, and I ran, uh...Arthur Carlin? I ran into him. Spencer used to live with her Dad?"

Glen takes a considerable swig of his beer, and burps a little. "You know. There's a beginning, middle and end to this story, Ashley."

"There is?"

"Did Spencer tell you about...well, did she talk about what happened after you left?"

"I don't know...a little. Is there more?"

"Probably a lot more than what she told you." Glen finishes off his beer stands up to get another. "Another?"

"Just hurry up."

Soon he's back in his seat with the entire six pack at our feet. "First you just stopped talking to her. I never really knew what happened, but it was something that went down at prom. You guys had a fight or whatever. I don't know. Every time I'd ask, she said she was just giving you space because she made a big mistake and you weren't her biggest fan at the moment."

"Understatement of the century." I mutter.

"So one day you left, and your Mom didn't exactly tell us anything. Spencer...well, she was a mess. She cried a lot...every day. She would go lock herself in your room and cry, and when our Mom tried to go get her once, I guess they got in a fight or something. Because Mom came back sounding really angry and said, 'Apparently your sister is gay.'"

"Shit..."

"Yeah. She told our Mom that you were going to show up, and when you did, you guys were going to be together and that Mom better just get used to it. Aiden was out of the picture. They fought a lot, and Spencer kind of stopped eating, stopped talking to people. It was scary for a while, you know, not too fun to be at home. So I was gone a lot." He's telling me this in such a casual voice, but it's all hitting my very hard. I listen to him and now I know that I affected a lot more people than I had intended to when I up and left.

"But things got back to kind of normal, I guess, when she realized you weren't coming back. She stopped crying all the time, but then she did it randomly. Like, she'd be watching TV and would go into the bathroom to cry. And she was angry a lot, too. I thought she'd gone crazy." Glen laughs weakly, taking a drink of his beer. "She'd talk about you all the time, then she never talked about you at all. And eventually, we knew better than to bring you up. She was just...a different Spencer."

I down the rest of my beer, setting it aside. She was Spencer without Ashley, a Spencer I'd never seen.

"She went to the first college she got accepted to, some art school in Sacramento or something. And then she left. She'd never wanted to live at school, but she said she couldn't handle living in that apartment anymore."

I cradle my chin in my hands, taking every word like a bullet. This was all my fault.

"She dropped out in the second semester of her sophomore year, and my Mom was freakin' livid. So what does Spencer do? She actually looks my Dad up. We hadn't seen him since we were, what, four? And she sleeps on his couch for about a year, just crashing. My Mom flat out refused to visit her, but I went around every once in a while."

"Jesus, Glen..."

"I know. She was really bad for a long time. We kind of blamed you for it, sorry to say. But then, you know, Spencer got a job at the mall." He kind of smiles at this. "I razzed her for it. One day she met this punk named Taylor who was already some bigshot in the music biz and brought her home to meet Mom. She kind of flipped out at first, but Spencer actually seemed happy for the first time in a really long time. So my Mom just kind of...let it go."

This hurts my stomach to think about. All those years of Spencer fearing rejection, her Mother not loving her anymore, being looked upon as disgusting and sinful...and Paula just let it go. It seems so simply put it almost breaks my heart.

"She let it go..." I grope for another beer, tears stinging my eyes at his long speech.

"So that's what happened. Not my favorite chapter of our lives, that's for damn sure." Glen opens my beer for me.

I drink it as fast as I can, trying not to think about the Spencer Glen told me about. The heartbroken Spencer, the Spencer that believed I was coming back to get her, the Spencer that believed I wouldn't leave her.

The Spencer that realized no, I wasn't coming back. The one that cried for me endlessly and finally, the one that stopped crying. It was too damn hard to picture her like that and know it was my fault.

Soon, the beer is empty, and Glen speaks up again. "Tonight, at that dinner table...she was happier than I've seen her in years. I mean, she was joking and laughing. She never does that. It's you, you know." Glen pokes me.

"I can't believe I left her." I almost whimper, a knot in my throat.

"Well, you're back now, right?" He offers me another beer, but I shake my head and push it away. "Stop beating yourself up about it and drink more beer."

I give Glen a big hug. "Hey. It's just Pabst. Nothing to get so excited about."

"She never would have told me all that." I tell him, standing up. "I have to go see her."

"Right now?"

I wipe at my watery eyes, sniffing. "Yeah, I think so."

"Women. I thought we were going to party."

"I've got to - "

"Oh, I know. Go mack on my sister."

"I'm not going to mack." I tell him, pulling my jacket closed and heading for the gate.

"Macking, heartfelt confrontation, whatever." He waves me off. "You're welcome!"


	20. The Words That Fail Me

Spencer opened the door in her pajamas, peeking out through the crack and looking a little distraught when she spotted my somber face.

"What's wrong?" She appears concerned and steps out onto the porch, with a single glance behind her into the darkened house.

"It's kind of late. Is it okay?" I rasp.

"Of course." She leans against her door, cocking her head, trying to figure me out.

I wrap my arms around myself, hugging tightly. "I needed to see you."

Spencer looks at the ground, then walks forward, grabbing my arm and letting her hand run the length of it down to my hand, where she lets go. "Come sit with me."

I do, hugging my knees to my chest, and peering at the flowers Spencer was planting, all in a neat row. Two days ago now feels like a lifetime. I had no idea what they are. "Do you love her, Spencey?"

Spencer takes a deep breath, thinking about it. I know what I want her to say, but I have no idea what she will. "Yes." She nods slowly. "In a way, yeah."

"In a way?" I can't help but repeat.

"You love everyone in different ways." Spencer says carefully, but then she just sighs. "You know what I mean?"

"I'm not sure." I say, feeling myself get braver. She looks so vulnerable, the moon makes her skin glow pale, and just now I'm beginning to feel the big, Spencer-shaped hole in my heart begin to ache. "How did you love me?"

She looks stricken by my question, but then it segues into a soft, genuine smile. "Every way, stupid."

I swallow, heart pounding, and can't think of a thing to say. I look away. I forget everything I came here to say tonight, only replaying her words in my head. I feel like maybe I'm in over my head.

"At dinner tonight, I just had so much fun. I was laughing, a lot, and joking around. Taylor's never seen me like that." Spencer tells me.

"What, happy?"

"She's never seen me with you. She doesn't know how we are...But she doesn't think we should hang out." Spencer says glumly, picking at the wooden step she sits on.

My jaw hangs open, and I force myself to close it. "Can she do that?"

"I told her what happened with us. When we were younger." Her words hang in the air. "Well, a slightly edited version."

"And?"

"She feels threatened." Spencer admits, rolling her eyes slightly, but I can tell it's bothering her. What her girlfriend thinks.

"She should." I try to lighten the mood. "Did you tell her I'm a yellow belt?"

"I'm serious. She can get weird and territorial." Spencer tells me, nudging me.

"Why? I mean, it's not like I came down here to...steal you away from her, or anything." I say weakly, and Spencer holds my gaze for a second and looks away. "I've been back in your life for two days."

"It's a lot to compete with." Spencer says in a low voice. "We've known each other for the better part of twenty years."

"She doesn't trust you?"

"I didn't say that."

"So, what, we can't hang out?"

"Of course we can. I love hanging out with you - I almost forgot how much I missed you." She attempts a smile. "There was a big Ashley-shaped hole in my heart that needed to be filled."

"Well, consider it filled. But you should tell your creepy girlfriend to tone down the jealousy."

"It's just, it's not so ridiculous, is it? For her to think that maybe..."

"That there's still something between us?" This is so not the conversation I came here to have, leagues away from the tender things I wanted to tell her. How I wanted to reassure her that yes, things were the same and always would be until I could make her completely mine, and get reacquainted with lips I haven't felt in more than fifteen years.

"Yeah." She says, almost afraid to look my way. "I know how we left things was bad, and when you came back..."

I'm scared of what she's going to say next. I'm afraid she's going to tell me that I was right, it was too hard for her. Taylor's it for her, and there's no room for me in her life. That my crazy hope was just that, a crazy hope.

I will beat her to the punch, as much as it kills me. And after that, maybe I can still have a little tiny bit of her, like I'm starting to think it was meant to be. It was meant to work out this awful way.

"Listen, if it makes you feel better about hanging around me..." I choose my words carefully, ignoring the constricting feeling in my chest. The lump slowly forming in my throat. I looked at the worried expression on Spencer's face and knew I could ease her guilt, because Spencer's a good girl. For once, I was sure I was saying the right thing. "What happened between us...that's ancient history, right? It's been four years. Long years, Spencer."

Spencer's face appears to be frozen, and I actually reconsider trying to be the bigger person. Because where would that leave me? She doesn't speak.

"People grow up and things...change." I say, not even trying to cover up the remorse in my voice. I'm sure she knew I was lying, but her eyes looked faraway. Disappointment - was it? - flickered across her features.

"I can understand that." There are no tears in her eyes, but her voice sounds like she's sobbing. It's a strange effect. I think I'm the one that just broke her heart, again, and I hang my head. I hate Taylor.

Night air becomes freezing to my skin, forming goosebumps on my arm. I feel like our ship has sailed. Maybe we just waited too long. We missed our perfect time, and now, it's just not going to happen. This makes my heart feel unbelievably heavy. Maybe this is how Spencer felt when I left, in a limo, in the middle of the night.

I couldn't just show up and expect to have everything the same, can I? Maybe this is what they call being selfless.

"Spencer?"

She doesn't say a word, just flicks her eyes in my direction.

"Are you happy?"

She sighs at my question. "Ashley..."

"Are you?"

She seems to consider it for a long time, setting her head in her chin. "I guess so. Yeah." She finally looks at me, eyes clear. "I am."

I stare at her for a long time, and it's a hard thing to do, because I feel like I might start crying, or screaming, or both. I let her see everything. "Then I'm happy." My voice cracks, and I stand up.

I start back to my car, without another word. Spencer shoots up. "When do I get to see you again?"

"Whenever you want."

I drive to the corner of her street, peering back to make sure she made it back inside. Her porch light is off, and I lean my head against the steering wheel, trying to make sense of what happens in my head. But it doesn't. All that makes sense is the years and years of hurt has only added up to more hurt, and if that's true, why am I still here?

I pull out my phone and I realize my hand is shaking. "Crap." I pound the numbers as fast as I can, before I change my mind.

Three rings. I glare at myself in the mirror. I don't know if I'm weak or strong right now, but I guess it doesn't matter.

"I'm surprised you're calling so soon."

"Mom? I want the job." 


	21. Caught in Suspension

"Not right now."

Hailey crawls into my bed, poking me between the shoulder blades. My back is to her. "What the hell went down? Are you crying?"

"I'm not crying!"

"What were you doing all day?" She presses, tugging on my shirt.

I roll over and look at her. "I met her stupid, horrible girlfriend who doesn't deserve her."

"Why does Spencer have a stupid, horrible girlfriend?"

"I don't know! But she's so rotten. All she talks about is herself, how much money she makes, and then mocks me for being rich."

Hailey's eyes widen. "Did you slap the shit out of her?"

"No. I went to Spencer's Mom's house for dinner."

"Which...sucked?" She guesses.

"It was great." I say, half laughing but feeling miserable. "Then Glen, that's her brother. He told me she was...just a mess after I went to college. Like, intensely screwed up and then she dropped out of college and lived on her Dad's couch for a year."

"Wow.." Hailey says, sitting up crosslegged. "I bet you felt like a bitch."

"You're not helping."

"So is that what's bothering you? You annihilated this poor girl's spirit and you can't forgive yourself?"

I steel myself for this last part. "I went to her house. I just wanted to see her, you know? I can't explain it...she started saying how weired out Taylor was by how close we were."

"And?"

"It sounded like she was going to put a squash on it, Hails. Like she was going to tell me she can't have me hanging around, mooning over her and being pathetic." Regret drips from my words.

"What did you do?" Hailey sounds like she knows what's coming, and leans forward.

"I told her I was completely over whatever happened between us."

Hailey slaps me on the back of the head. "What's the matter with you?"

"What the hell!"

"This is like, my new favorite show, I swear. You get me invested and then you go and tell her you're over her? How did she not know you were totally lying? Look at you!"

"What about me?"

"You look completely beaten. Have you even looked in a mirror?"

I glare at her. "I don't need this from you."

"You clearly do. You just feel so sorry for yourself. What's the worst that's going to happen? You're out of each other's life for another four years?"

"God, just get out of my room. Stop yelling at me."

"You're so moody lately. You never want to have any fun, and I finally think you'll pull yourself out of this funk but you just make it worse." She shakes her head at me, and I feel pathetic.

"I did what had to be done." I grit my teeth. "Now we can both move on."

"Isn't that what you said when you like, ran away because she made you cry?"

"Shut. Up."

"Whatever, Ash. I just want my fun roommate back, alright?"

"Well, maybe you can get a new, fun roommate when I leave."

"What?" Hailey demands. A pause. "Shit. You took the job."

I bury my face in my pillow. "I leave at the end of the month."

I feel Hailey get up off the bed, and I think she's left until I hear her voice. "You're just running away again."

She sounds sad for me, and then leaves the room. I cry into my pillow and try not to let my sobs echo into the room.

"D'ya wanna dance?"

"I don't dance." I say, glancing up from my coloring book, where Spencer's big blue eyes are peering at me from under the baseball cap.

"Can't or won't?" She asks, giggling and grabbing my hand. She's bold for a ten year old, and I follow her to the middle of the floor in her room.

"Both, I think." I stick my hands in my pockets, watching her kick clothes and stuffed animals out of the way, clearing a dancefloor.

"Well, that's stupid. Anyone can dance." She moves from leg to leg, bobbing her head like crazy.

"Spencey, you look silly." I say, but I like watching her dance. She looks like she's enjoying herself, and her smile is contagious. "I think only grownups can dance good."

"Why?"

"I dunno. I think it's just something you learn. Like reading, or riding a bike, or writing in cursive." I think this sounds about right.

"I don't think that's right at all." Spencer spins around, whipping her hair all about.

"You're gonna get dizzy."

"Dance with me!"

"I don't know how." I say, still shy. I've never tried dancing before.

"Just act like you're on fire, or people are shootin' bullets at you."

I join her in spinning around, and she's right, you do get the hang of it pretty easily. "Whoa." I get dizzy, but Spencer shows no signs of slowing down. "Hey!" I reach out and grab her hands. "You're gonna fall and hit your head."

She spins me around under her arm, a move I am very impressed with indeed.

"I don't think a grownup could dance as good as us if they tried." She hops up and down, and I repeat her movement, making loud thudding noises. "They don't have have this much fun, either." Her eyes glitter.

"You still gonna dance when you're old?"

She nods. "Yup. And you're gonna dance with me, because you can't dance with anyone else."

"Why?"

"I'm the one that taught ya!"

"Think we'll get better?"

"I don't think we have to!" Spencer cries, and then we both shake our heads until we can't see straight.

Spencer and I spend a lot of time together in the next few days. I can't help but return to her like there's an invisible string tying us to the other.

It's frightening how we can manage to push all the bad, painful stuff to the back of our minds and carry on like there was never a four year gap in our relationship, like I didn't show up at her house in the middle of the night and yank the carpet out from under our already weak legs.

But I just suppose that's always been our nature. Turning the other cheek and enjoying life regardless.

There are subtle differences, of course. It's almost as if we've been fighting a losing battle with ourselves when it comes to touching each other, in any ways. We've tried to stop the gentle back and forth flirting that comes so easily to us, we hardly notice it until we're both blushing.

Because Taylor is always there, and even when she isn't, we can both feel her presence.

But tonight, she's gone for the entire weekend, and I show up at Spencer's with an armful of movies.

She answers the door in a matter of seconds. "I told you to just come in! Knocking isn't necessary."

"I always feel rude when I barge in. What if you were naked?"

"What if I was?" She teases, and I ignore the tone of her voice. The sultry tone.

"I'm too young to be blinded."

This earns me a pillow to the face, but I take it in stride and hand her the bag.

"Hmm. Popcorn, a must have. The entire first season of...Futurama?" She makes a face. "Are you kidding?"

"Um, no. You don't like Futurama?"

"Family Guy is so much better."

"Blasphemer! Family Guy is so derivative and unfunny." I take a seat on her couch and kick off my shoes. "I can't believe you're a part of the cult."

"They might as well call Futurama 'The Simpsons: In Space'." Spencer shoots back, putting the DVD on the table. "I have a better idea."

"I don't believe you, but okay." I put my hands behind my head and she approaches the entertainment system, thumbing through her DVD collection until she turns to me with a wicked grin.

"I have the perfect movie."

"I'm not watching Simon Birch, Spencey."

She holds it out for me to read. "The first Halloween?" I shake my head immediately. "No freaking way. No. I'm sorry, I don't want to deal with you crying all night."

I would love to deal with her crying all night. Because I'm pretty sure that meant comforting her, and comforting her always meant cuddling her.

I feel like I'm fourteen again as Spencer puts on her best begging face. "Taylor never lets me watch scary movies! Come on!"

"Spencer." I laugh. "That's so not a good idea."

"I haven't seen this in like, four years..." She says, picking at the box like a pouting child.

"Four years?" I understand the meaning behind her words. I feel my resolve crumbling, because I have an inkling Spencer hasn't glimpsed so much of a second of any horror film since I've been gone.

"They're too scary." She says in a little girl's voice.

A surge of warmness floods me and I give in. "Fine. If you're sure you want to subject yourself to Michael." Spencer gleefully claps her hands.

She makes the popcorn while I get the movie ready, and I smell burning popcorn in a matter of minutes.

"Spencer!"

She flounces out from the hall wearing her overlarge t-shirt, having changed into her pajamas.

"You burned the popcorn."

"Did I?"

"Smell that?"

She shakes her head innocently.

"You don't smell that."

"Nope."

"You silly blonde." I get up and head into her kitchen, using tongs to pull the blackened box out of the microwave. "How did I forget you burn everything you get your hands on?"

She just smirks as I toss it into the trash. "You're right, four years is a long time."

"Oh, shut up." I follow her out into the living room.

"Hey, hit that light." She curls up on the couch, burrowing herself into a corner.

"Yeah." I dim the lights and play the movie, shrugging my overshirt off sitting crosslegged on the opposite end of the couch.

Spencer stares at me, and I try to keep my eyes trained on the film that's just beginning.

"What are you doing?" She finally asks me.

"Um, we're watching a movie."

She looks at me weirdly, then gestures to the vast expanse of couch I purposely put between us. "Do I have the plague?"

I fidget as the screen darkens for the first scene. "Uh, no. You have the girlfriend."

"So?"

"So, what?"

"You know what. Get over here." She holds the blanket up for me, motioning for me to scoot over a few feet and get under it with her.

"Is that...uh, do you really think we - "

"It's not like you even love me like that anymore, right?" She cocks an eyebrow, and in an instant I realize what she's doing. She's challenging me. She doesn't believe me, and I should have known Spencer would see right through me. I feel naked, suddenly.

"Right." I say in a lame voice.

"Right." She rolls her eyes, but she's still holding the blanket up. "Please?"

"Spencer..."

Eerie music plays as a small child, later to be introduced as Michael Myers, picks up a butcher knife and starts up the stairs.

"Ashee!" Spencer looks at the screen, getting antsy and nervous at the prospect of being scared. "He's about to kill his sister."

"Buck it up." I tell her, almost enjoying watching her squirm. The music intensifies, and there's a girl on a bed, and...Spencer leaps across the couch and clings to my arm, squealing at the murder scene she'd seen play out countless times.

I can't help it, I give in to instinct and wrap an arm around her shoulders, "You sure you don't want to turn it off?"

She grabs her blanket. "Can I stay over here with you?"

"Spencer, you're a twenty two year old woman."

She lays her head on my chest, gazing up at me. She knows she has me. Knows without a doubt. "You know how scared I get. You're the only one who makes it less scary." I always have been.

I give a relenting sigh, and she pulls the blanket over us. Everywhere our bodies meet my skin turns hot, and I love having her in my arms again. We're still a perfect fit.

But her girlfriend will be home at the end of the weekend. I don't know how I'm going to leave her. 


	22. Heavy Breathing

"You aren't going to the airport?" I ask, setting my keys on Spencer's kitchen counter. 

She downs a glass of milk. "Nope."

"Taylor gets back today, doesn't she?" We've had a nice weekend together, though I'm still convinced Halloween was a bad idea. Even as an adult, scary movies still spook her. I find this terribly endearing, and if being so close to her didn't make me want to do things that would make her girlfriend very, very angry, then I'd probably have a new horror movie every night.

"I usually don't meet her." Spencer sets the glass in the sink, shrugging. "It's not big event."

"Oh."

"Yeah." Spencer hasn't been very talkative ever since I got here.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"What? No." She heads into the living room and sits in one of those awkward looking, postmodern chairs.

"Is everything okay?" I ask, following her in there.

"Why do you ask?"

"You seem...nevermind." I shake my head, forgetting it.

Spencer gives me a sad smile. "I'm not used to being around someone who can read me so well."

I lean against the wall, giving her my most supportive look. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Spencer lets out a long sigh, sitting back in her seat. "I just called Taylor last night. I, uh, I heard another girl's voice in the background."

"Maybe it was just a friend." I have no idea why I'm trying to rationalize on Taylor's behalf, but I don't enjoy seeing Spencer even a little sad.

"I don't think so."

Shit. "So, you think she's..."

"Oh. No, I know she is." Spencer says with certainty. A stange casualness that is betrayed by the look on her face. "She's done it before."

"She's cheated on you?"

Spencer just gives me an almost imperceptible nod. "Six times."

"Six times?" I repeat, noticing the stillness in the air around us.

"I'm sure she'll do it again, too. You think I'd be used to it, huh?" Spencer asked, pain etched in her features. I know she isn't in love with Taylor, but this still has to hurt her.

"No. No, Spencer, you should never be used to that." I use my softest voice. "You shouldn't...I mean, why are you even with her?"

"She only does it because - "

"She can't care about you Spencer, not if she does that to you."

"It doesn't matter." Spencer looks away. "I guess I deserve it."

"What?" Her tone makes my heart sink. I rush over to her, getting on my knees next to her chair, looking her intently in the eye. "Look at me, Spencey. Come on. You don't deserve that, ever. You're too good a person to have to put up with her crap, alright?"

"When..." Spencer takes a deep breath, looking at me. "When have I ever been a good person? When I was stringing you along for an entire decade? Pushing you away? When I dropped out of school just to piss my Mother off? The list...it's a long list, Ashley. Why would she cheat on me if I was so great?"

She speaks in a heated voice, as if she really believes everything she's saying. I know I'm just beginning to glimpse some of the issues that Spencer's been keeping inside of herself for a while. Keeping herself in this horrible relationship because she felt that's what she deserved for making a few mistakes? My stomach churned painfully. "Spencer, that's ridiculous. You're the best person I know, and Taylor's a selfish idiot."

"You have to think that." She says, averting her eyes. "You're my best friend."

"Spencer..." I put both hands on her knees. "Do you think I'm a good person?"

"Of course." She answers without a second's hesitation.

"Would I love you so much if you were so awful? Would I do that, huh?"

"But you've always loved me. I've always been a screwup."

I grab her chin, forcing her to look me in the eyes. I soften my gaze. "Everyone makes mistakes, but everyone deserves to be happy. You are not a screwup, you're just a human. A human I happen to love very much." I try to smile for her. "I don't like seeing you go through this."

I don't know if I can bear it for another second, the way she's looking at me. I'm starting to rethink that job in Florida, if it means I won't be here to kick Taylor's ass on a daily basis.

"I'm used to it." Spencer wipes away a tear that was threatening to fall, then takes a deep breath, standing up.

It hurts me to think that she's used to such pain. Or worse, that she's had it coming.

_I sit on the floor, looking up at Spencer, who's tossing and turning in her bed. Paula tells me she's got the flu, and that I probably shouldn't be in her room. But I don't mind._

_"Sorry you're sick, Spencey."_

_"Me, too." She says, her nose completely stopped up and making her voice sound a little funny._

_"Can I do anything?"_

_"I don't think so..." She puts a hand to her head, and I stand up and press my fingers against her temple._

_"You feel really hot."_

_"I'm cold." Spencer says, rustling around under the blankets. She looks pale, and I know it's just the flu but it worries me. I always worry about Spencer._

_"Are you gonna throw up?"_

_"Maybe."_

_"Want your bucket?"_

_She nods with her eyes closed. I go to the corner of her room and retrieve her trashcan for her, setting it next to her bed, then I run into the bathroom and wet a wash cloth, coming to set it on her head. Paula is at work and I feel responsible for her._

_"Does that feel better?"_

_Spencer murmurs, nodding yes._

_"I'll bring you your medicine in about an hour, that's when your Mom said you can have it." I pat the town down on her head. "Tomorrow I'll go around to all your classes and get your work."_

_"And do it." She mumbles._

_"What?"_

_She groans, sickly._

_"Yeah, yeah. And I'll do it."_

_She smiles, even in her feverish stupor. "What would I do without you?"_

_"You'd be the sickest girl in high school, with no one to gather up your homework and do it for you." I clarify for her, wiping sweaty hair out of her face._

_"Mmm. I'm tired."_

_"Want me to turn out the lights so you can get some sleep?"_

_"Can't sleep.." She's talking slowly, like she's on the edge of delirium._

_"Why?"_

_"Hold me." Spencer says in a thick voice, eys squeezed closed against her fever._

_I hesitate only a second before answering, "Okay." I crawl into bed beside her and wrapping my arms around her waist, loosely, so she doesn't overheat. "But when I get sick, you're taking care of me."_

_"Love you, Ashee." She mutters, with slight shiver I associate with the fever. It must be the sickness, because she hardly ever says this outloud. "Love me?"_

_"Yeah, Spencey. I love you. You know that."_

_"I do." She finds my hands, groping blindly under the blanket. "Just...just stay here."_

_"I will."_

_"I know..."_

_She falls asleep eventually, and I only unravel myself from her arms when I hear her Mother's key unlock the door._

_I kiss her once on the forehead, and a few days later when I get sick and she's better, we switch roles and she takes care of me._

_We always take care of each other._

"How's the lady of the hour?" Hailey remarks, cigarette dangling from her lips.

I mutter something in response, throwing my purse onto the table.

"Hey, come tie this." Hailey turns around, shaking her apron strings. "I've got a closing shift tonight. Lots of tips."

"That's good." I tie it in a quick knot, turning her around. "Taylor's cheating on Spencer." I blurt.

"Holy crap. The plot thickens."

"It's not a plot, Hailey. It's her life."

"Hey, I know." Hailey looks a little chagrined, taking the cigarette out of her mouth. She's blunt, but not heartless. "Spencer told you this?"

"Yeah. Apparently, she just goes out of town and cheats on Spencer, like, all the time." I say, hating even saying the words.

"Why doesn't Spencer just - "

"Break up with her? That's what I asked. It's because, get this, Spencer thinks she deserves it." I let the words fall out of my mouth, and Hailey frowns at them. "Spencer. The girl who taught me to dance when I was ten. The girl who held my hand when I got my shots, the first girl I was ever in love with. She thinks she deserves this punk."

"That girl has some self worth issues, man. You tried talkin' some sense into her?"

"I tried, but...it's just gonna be hard, you know? Especially because I'm leaving. I don't know how to go about much of anything." I rub my temples, feeling tired. "I can't stop hanging out with her. I just...it's so good, you know? It's almost like the old times, but I'm going to have to tell her eventually."

"And it's going to hurt her, right?"

"I...I wanted to protect her." I bite my lip, not even wanting to think about it. I feel especially cowardly, and I try to remember what my reasoning was. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now, I'm not sure I can follow through. "God. I don't know what to do. It's so complicated. I hate it."

Hailey laughs pitifully. "It's not that complicated, Ashley. Not at all."


	23. More Than I Can Stand

Spencer flings her front door open to greet me with flourish and a smile, going so far as to reach out and pull me inside.

"Hey, stranger." She closes the door behind me, leading me to the kitchen. "Haven't seen you around."

"Yeah, it's been a couple of days." I ease myself into a chair at her kitchen table, watching her resume cooking vegetable. "Thought I'd stop by."

"Aw. You're leaving soon?" Spencer pops a carrot into her mouth. "I'm making dinner."

"And let me tell you, I am shocked by that particular turn of events."

"Oh, shutup." Spencer says, beckoning me over to stand next to her with a stalk of celery. I saunter over and she scoops up a spoonful of broth, holding it to my lips. "Careful, it's hot."

I sip it. "Mmm."

"Good, right?"

"Very." I wipe my mouth, impressed. "When did you become passable at cooking?"

"I used like, spices and junk." Spencer says brightly. "I have other specialties besides ninety percent inedible, burnt popcorn, Miss Ashley Davies."

"Oh, do you?"

Spencer nods, snaking some sauce off of her finger with her tongue.

"You might have to show me these one day." I smirk at her. "Until then, I think I'll have to settle firmly in the camp of the unbelieving."

Spencer gives me her best glare and then resumes her chopping. "What are you plans for today?"

"I dunno." I lean against the sink next to Spencer's cutting board. "Maybe go out with Hailey. She's been bugging me lately. I guess I've been moody or another one of the three adjectives she knows."

"Have you?"

"Been moody?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know. Have I? Strange days, you know?"

Spencer holds my stare for a second longer, then nods. "Yeah. I do."

"So, yeah." I resume. "Might get some drink or something. Try to have a good time."

"Hook up with girls." Spencer says over her shoulder, trying much too hard to sound casual.

"Spencer." I groan, smiling a little. She sounded almost jealous. "You know I keep it to one girl a night."

"Didn't know that, actually." Spencer says smoothly, dumping vegetables into bubbling chicken broth.

"Smells good." I offer. "And...you know I'm not like that."

"Like what? What are you talking about?" Spencer wips off her knife.

I laugh. "You're so transparent. You realize you're talking to me, right?"

Spencer levels her gaze at me.

"I don't hook up with random chicks, Spencer. I haven't - " I stop short, wondering why on Earth I'm explaining myself to Spencer. We've done whatever the hell we wanted for the past four years, and she's with Taylor every night. We aren't in a position to be so sensitive.

"Have you ever ..." Spencer bites her lip, looking the direction of Taylor's study, where she was blaring music, immersed in work. "What am I thinking?"

"No, Spencer. I've never had a...a girlfriend." I stick my hands in my pockets, sighing. "There have been people. But I never found...No. No girlfriend."

"Oh." Spencer puts the knife and cuttingboard, avoiding my eyes. "That's too bad." The words we don't exchange speak a million times louder to both of us, but I choose to ignore it.

"Yeah." I tap on the counter. "Too bad."

"So you can't stay for dinner?"

"Sorry. Guess it's just you and Taylor."

"Speaking of Taylor, I know tomorrow's Saturday, but she has an all day meeting thing. I was thinking maybe if you didn't have anything to do around noon or so, we could...what's the word?"

"Eat?"

"No, the other word?" Spencer squints, at a loss.

I stare at her for a few seconds. "Brunch?" I'm a little amused.

"Yes!" She giggles. "Brunch. Brainfart. That was amazing. But yeah, we could brunch."

"I don't know. I was never one for brunch..."

Spencer gives me a record breaking pout.

"How about we just get burritos?" I offer.

"I'm always up for a burrito." Spencer's eyes dazzle, and I grin at her.

"It's a da - "

"I am so beat!" Taylor stampedes into the kitchen, and Spencer looks at her, annoyed. She's hiding it, of course. But all you have to do is read the lines on her face. Which Taylor, I've noticed, cannot do.

I don't budge, despite the fact that Spencer and I are in close proximity. Taylor notices this, eyes narrowing with suspicion and questions, but she just approaches us.

She puts a hand on Spencer's back, an intimate gesture, and kisses her on the cheek. "How ya doing, babe?" The irritation has left Spencer's features, and she softens. She doesn't completely hate Taylor, she's been with this girl for atleast enough time to get attached. I remind myself of this.

"Good. Dinner in about an hour, okay?" Spencer tells her, and Taylor risks a burn jabbing her finger into the broth, nabbing a carrot.

"Hm." Taylor makes what she thinks is a cute face. "I might be able to make that."

"Good, 'cause I don't want to eat alone." Spencer smiles at her sweetly. I fight the urge to look away.

"Rock star's not staying for dinner?" Taylor gives me a dismissive nod.

"No, Ashley can't stay." Spencer puts emphasis on my name.

"That's a shame." Taylor oozes sarcasm. I set my jaw. "Listen, Spencer, I can't take you to the museum tomorrow."

"Why?" Spencer's face only slightly falls, and I assume these are plans they made previously.

"Meeting's gonna run long, I know it. And I've got some clients I wanna take out to lunch after." She chomps the carrot, shrugging.

"You're going to take strangers out to lunch and ditch me." Spencer keeps her voice controlled, but she's bothered. "Okay." She turns away and starts fiddling with the dishes in the sink.

Taylor wraps her arms around Spencer's waist. "Ba - aby." She drawls, forcing me to roll my eyes. "I'd get out of it if I could."

Spencer shrugs out of her touch, and I feel like maybe I shouldn't be witnessing this. "It's fine. You just did this last, time, too."

"I'll make it up to you." Taylor murmurs in Spencer's ear.

"You said that last time, too. Whatever. I don't want to do this in front of Ashley." Spencer says, trying to resolve the issue.

"Oh, Ashley's here. God forbid we fight when Saint Ashley's here." Taylor says nastily, spinning on her heel and ready to exit the room.

"Don't be rude to my guest." Spencer's voice is quiet, and she's staring not at Taylor or me, but at the corner of the cabinet.

"Your guest?" Taylor laughs like it's something comical. "She's over here so damn much we might as well rent out the guest room to her." She actually turns to me, letting her temper show. "Ashley, hey, rock star Davies, you like your million dollar loft in the city? Maybe you should - "

"Taylor." Spencer's tone is in between a warning and a

"All I ever hear about is Ashley. Now I can't talk about her?" Taylor whines harshly. "Maybe if you had other friends - "

"Taylor, shut up!" Spencer growls.

"No, Spencer, you shut up - "

"Don't talk to her like that." My voice cuts through their squabbling, firm but with an unmistakable grittiness.

"Was anyone talking to you?" Taylor sneers, and I look back, unimpressed.

"No, but you were talking to her in a tone I didn't like." I tell her calmly.

"I'll talk any damn way I want in my house." Taylor puffs her chest out, glaring at me.

"This is Spencer's house, too, so maybe you should - "

"Ashley." Spencer says softly. "It's okay."

"No, Spencer, it's not." I tell her, just as softly. Then I turn back to Taylor. "Maybe you should actually talk to her like you respect her."

"Who says I do respect her?" Taylor laughs rudely, and Spencer looks at her, stricken. My last nerve is snapped.

"Yeah, you obviously don't." I let my voice get big, angry. "You obviously don't give a shit about her, because half the time you're across the country brown nosing some wannabe musician, and the other half you're locked in your office!"

"You guys!" Spencer cries, jerking on Taylor's shirt sleeve.

Taylor ignores it, giving me a hateful stare and yanking her hand back.

"You don't know anything about our life, so I suggest you stop talking." Taylor tries to sound gruff, but I just shake my head.

"I've known Spencer for longer than you've known how to tie shoes, and I know when she's sad, or in a bad mood, or disappointed. Look at her!" I gesture to Spencer's face, and she's watching me speak, captivated. "Can't you tell when she's let down? You can't take her to the museum, you're just so damn busy?"

"Some of us have to work for our money, princess." Taylor nearly spits. "And you need to leave my house, right now."

"No, she doesn't." Spencer says in a rush, wrapping her hand around my arm. "You don't have to leave."

"The hell she doesn't!" Taylor roars, stepping back and pointing to the door. "Get out."

Spencer looks completely torn, and stricken, gaze bouncing between me and Taylor. "Spencer thinks she deserves you, but she deserves everything you're not." I snarl towards Taylor, backing up and heading for the door.

Spencer still has her grasp on my arm, and follows me. "I'm so sorry that happened, Spencer. She's such a bitch." I tell her breathlessly, opening her front door.

"No, no. It's fine." Spencer looks a bit distraught, glancing back towards the kitchen. "I'm sorry - "

"Don't ever apologize for her." I cut her off gently before she can say anything more.

"Spencer!" Taylor appears in the kitchen doorway and calls Spencer like she's a dog.

I turn to her with a remark ready, but Spencer pushes me onto the porch carefully. "I'm saying goodbye to Ashley!" Spencer calls back forcefully. The last thing I hear is Taylor scoffing before Spencer shuts the door loudly.

"Your girlfriend sucks." I let Spencer know. "She's - "

"I know." Spencer says, and I notice her eyes are watery.

I look at her regretfully. "Don't cry." I wrap my arms around her, hugging her. "I'll take you to the museum, okay? Screw her."

Spencer's stomach shakes a little with a slight laugh, and I look back to see her letting atleast one tear fall. My stomach clinches. "Spencey...don't cry, or you know what's gonna happen?"

"You're gonna cry?" Spencer wipes at her face.

"Exactly." I give her a lopsided smile.

"Thanks for standing up for me. I almost forgot what it felt like." Spencer sniffs, eyes shining.

"What?"

"Feeling protected." Spencer says timidly, and I take this directly to heart. Then I think of Florida, and feel immediately guilty. I look down.

"Yeah..."

She's watching me with upturned lips, and she looks almost like she's sixteen again. Sixteen and smiling that little smile that tells me she's got something to hide. Something that I probably know, and any other time I would grin right back. "I could get used to it." She lets me know, craning her neck to find my eyes.

"Maybe you, ah..." I shove my hands into my coat pockets. "I'll see you tomorrow, Spencer."

I hop off of her porch without another word. I look back just in time to see Spencer watching me retreat longingly, then hesitantly heading back inside her house.


	24. Fallen Back

The relatively bright sunlight filtered through the gazebo covering the tables of the outside cafe, and I was leaning forward in my chair, listening to Spencer's every word.

Florida was no more than a few weeks away, and it clung to be like an iron ball in my stomach.

Spencer and I, on the other hand, were rather enjoying our brunch together, getting lost in easy conversation.

"I don't know..." Spencer uses her fork to move bits and pieces of scrambled egg around her plate, a tiny smile quirking at her lips. "I've always wanted to be something with my hands, I guess."

"The arts." I watch her nod, becoming animated in her gestures and movements. "I remember."

"You do?"

"Of course. You were always doodling on something, I mean, you were way better at that stuff than I ever was." I concede, pushing away my plate of english muffin crumbs.

"Well, I just liked it." Spencer admits. "I thought I could turn that into something - a career, maybe."

I wait for her to go on. She's been talkative all morning, all the way through brunch. I let her talk, enjoying the sound of her voice almost as much as the way she lights up, the way she does it without even noticing.

There's something weighing a little heavily on me, so I stay relatively silent, relishing in her company.

"Didn't work out that way, though." Spencer clears her throat a little. Always a little bit impatient at sitting still, she reaches over and toys a bit with her straw. "Art school was a bust. Eventually I tried to draw and - nothing. It just stopped being something I loved."

"Why?" I ask, gently, not wanting to sound too probing.

Spencer just looks from her straw, to me, and then back at her straw. "I don't know. Stuff." She clams up momentarily.

"Ah. Stuff. I presume things, as well, were an issue?" I raise on eyebrow. "Stuff and things?"

She doesn't take my bait. "Stuff and things. That sounds about right."

I watch her for a second as she calls to the waiter for our check, seeing as how we've been conversing over our empty plates for a while now.

I grew up with Spencer. I've seen her through every single stage that she's had and she's always been my home base. But things do stay the same forever, or even close to it, so now I watch her from all the way across the table.

Maybe things change permanently. Maybe Spencer loving the arts, drawing, painting when we were younger had faded away from her just as she took the plunge from girlhood into womanhood. Lots of things could have changed. Spencer looks the same, the same girl I remember, but I know she is not. She's a little more worn around the eyes and certain things - like the way she used to be able to put a pencil to paper and make something beautiful - have left her.

I let her gaze settle on me and I wonder what else has changed about her that isn't apparent. Things that don't come back. We can never ever be what we once were, but we can be something new. And that scares me, because I've only ever loved her in one way.

Maybe that's changed for her. Maybe it hasn't. I don't know which is more terrifying, because I don't know what to do regardless. Not sure what I would do with an answer.

"Would you ladies enjoy dessert?" Our waiter collects our plates.

"What do you think, Spencer? Strudel?" I smile at her, knowing she was always a sucker for desserts.

She scrunches her nose cutely. "I'm kind of in the mood for chocolate, actually."

"Chocolate, huh?" I tap my fingers on the table. "Well, sir, I'd like one of your biggest chocolate cakes."

"Two pieces?"

"The whole thing, thanks."

The waiter balances our plates and promises to be back with cake and a check.

"The whole thing?" Spencer laughs.

"Hell yeah the whole thing." I grin at her. "And we're going back to your house to eat it and watch Montel Williams and get fat together."

She laughs even harder. "Montel Williams, huh?"

"I enjoy a little Montel from time to time, don't you?" I ask, batting my eyelashes.

"Nah, never had you pegged for a Montel girl. Something tells me you'd be more into...Sally Jesse Raphael?"

I can't help but laugh. "Remember when we would stay home from school in sixth grade and watch the Sally Jesse Raphael show and - "

"The Price is Right!" Spencer interjects, shaking her head. "We were bad."

I make a gagging noise. "Okay. Seriously, enough of this. We have the whole afternoon, right?"

Spencer nods expectantly.

"We're going to rent the Fox and the Hound and that's final." One of Spencer's favorite movies.

"The original, or the remake?" She tests me.

I give her an obvious look. "What do you think?"

"Original. Got it."

I give her a quick smile before a giant cake is set down in front of us and the smell of chocolate wafts into our nostrils.

"My man!" I exclaim, taking the bill from our waiter, "This is chocolate heaven. Thank you."

Spencer reaches for the bill but I hold it out of her reach. "I'll get this one."

"Let me." Spencer's grabbing for her purse.

"No, save it for when I start charging you to be in my presence. Trust me."

"Oh?"

I reach into my clutch and pull out a wad of bills. "I'm expensive. You'll need it."

"Something tells me you wouldn't make me pay." Spencer giggles.

I put on a tough face. "Not fully."

Spencer grabs the cake and we stand up, exiting through the tiny gate and begin the short amble from the breakfast house to Spencer's house.

"What time is Taylor gonna be back?" I ask, trying to keep any hint of maliciousness out of my voice when saying the girl's name.

"Probably after dark. Maybe before, I don't really know." I meet her eye. "It varies."

"Yeah."

We walk a few more steps in silence. Spencer carries the cake in front of her.

"Want me to get that?"

"You paid, I'll carry the dessert. And serve it." Spencer tells me firmly.

"You got it." I stick my hand in my pockets, feeling light. "Hey, Spencey?"

"Yeah?"

"I think..." I glance at her. "Maybe you should try drawing again sometime."

She looks at me quizzically.

"You always made the best pictures, I can remember." I tell her softly, nodding my head.

She looks like she likes idea, is considering it. I feel a lump in my throat. "Maybe..."

"Because, well...it doesn't just go away, I don't think." I feel my stomach drop a little at my own words, and when I look at Spencer and she looks strange. Like something I've said just made her very happy and she doesn't want me to know it.

"Thanks." She says simply, then looks away and smiles again, not meeting my eye.

I feel like I have a headache coming on, or maybe a heart attack. I feel a pinching in my chest and I know exactly what it is.

I have to tell her. It would be a crime not to, because this entire morning has felt like a lie. I hate to see her smile at me so genuinely when I'm hiding something from her.

"I had a really nice time this morning, Ashee." She lets me know, bumping into me with her shoulder.

"Me too..." I say weakly, shoving my hand deeper into my pockets. "Uh, Spencer. Listen."

I look up at her and I have to stop walking, she looks so undeniably sweet. But I stare straight through her. "You know Florida?"

"Florida. The state." She clarifies, looking at me like I was slow, looking back at me.

"Well, yeah. The state." I swallow, feeling rooted to the cement.

She comes to stand next to me. "What's wrong?"

"Florida." I repeat, sighing pathetically. "I'm moving to Florida."

I feel the moment sucked completely dry, and Spencer just blinks at me a few times.

"I thought you should know."

"You thought I should know." Spencer repeats slowly, as if she's trying the words out on her tongue. "You're moving to Florida."

"By the end of the month." I add, looking at my shoes. I'm tense, not knowing how she'll react.

"That took care of my next question." I can barely hear her voice, and I can't read it for the life of me. I know she knows my Mom owns a hotel there, and I'm sure she can connect the dots. "Why are you telling me this?"

I look at her, surprised. Her eyes are narrowed, searching mine. "You're the girl I can't lie to." I tell her truthfully, ridiculously.

She looks at me closely until it actually begins to hurt, then she laughs. "No, you don't lie. You just leave." I only have a split second to register the pained look on her face before she turns on her heel and begins speedwalking down the street.

"Spencer." I hurry to catch up.

"Listen, it's fine. I don't care." Spencer speeds up to the point where she's almost jogging with the cake.

"Yeah, it looks like you really don't care." I say, quickening my step. "Dammit, Spencer. Slow down!" I put a hand on her shoulder and she shakes it off violently, but she doesn't turn around. I see her head drop from behind.

"Why did you even come back?"

Her whimper feels like a punch to my stomach. "I wanted to." I say bravely.

"You wanted to?" Spencer turns around and I finally see her face, and she's fighting back tears. "Do you want to leave, now?"

"I...I think I have to."

"Why?" Spencer asks breathlessly, and for a second, I wonder why, too. She looks so tired, so sad. Wouldn't it make everything better if I stayed? Wouldn't it make everything better for the both of us?

Then I remember Taylor. Rude, cheating Taylor. And I think of the way Spencer doesn't seem to care how people treat her. How she'd forgotten her love for art, how it had escaped her along with so many other things I probably didn't know about yet.

It wouldn't be that hard to pretend things hadn't changed, to ignore everything besides ourselves for one. But this time, it's not going to cut it. I can't save Spencer. I can barely save myself.

"This isn't what I thought it would be." I say honestly.

Maybe if we save ourselves, we can be strong enough for other people.

Spencer gives me a nasty look. "You should never have come back."

I absorb this comment, feeling like I deserve it, and once again I'm standing on a dance floor, eighteen years old, with the whole word ahead of me. And Spencer's crushing my heart again with a well calculated blow. She's protecting herself, and this time, I'll protect myself too.

I turn around and begin to walk. Away from Spencer, away from this argument. Away from the smell of that rich chocolate cake. I think maybe Florida won't even be far enough away to make me feel good about doing this.

"You always walk away." I hear Spencer's voice behind me.

I keep walking.

"Ashley!" She calls, her voice wavering a bit. I hear her footsteps quickening behind me, and I turn around to face her before she can reach me.

"You push me away!" I accuse. "I would never leave if...if..."

"If what?" Spencer demands. "You can't just pop up out of the blue four years later and expect everything to be the same."

"The same?" I cry. "The same? I would never, ever want things to be the same." I tell her through semi gritted teeth. I feel irrationally angry and completely miserable at this moment, the world spins a little around me.

Spencer seems genuinely disquieted by my words, "What does that mean?"

"The same." I echo. "The way we were? Come on, Spencer. I'd never go back there. It was hell." Now I'm hardened, she's set my defenses up. I don't want to hurt her, but even more, I do not want to feel any of the pain I know she can inflict on me without even trying.

"Why?" Spencer's voice is timid.

I lick my lips, hands trembling slightly. "Because..."

Spencer's eyes entreat me to answer.

"I'm still in love, Spencer. It hasn't stopped, ever." I tell her, my voice dull. I hear a sharp intake of breath as Spencer gasps. "I'm moving to Florida because it never stopped hurting, either."

Spencer blinks again, only this time tears fall freely from her eyes. "It hurts me, too." She whispers.

"Then you understand."

She openly sobs at my words, her tears falling directly onto the cake. Numb, I reach out to wipe them away but she shakes her head. I drop my hand and get ready to go.

"Stop walking away." Spencer spins me around in a second.

"I'm sorry!" I explode, facing her again. "I'm sorry, okay? For so much. For...for everything."

"If you say you're still in love with me and then leave, I won't believe you." Spencer says firmly, with tears in her eyes and an intense honesty. "I swear, I won't."

"Then don't." I say, voice hollow. "I shouldn't have come back, you were right. I'm sorry for hurting...for doing this to you."

"Ashee..."

"Just forget about me, okay?" I implore her, feeling like I'm choking.

"I seem to remember you saying that to me a long time ago. About four years." Spencer holds back more tears. "Do you actually mean it this time?"

"Only if you can."

Spencer takes a deep breath, studying me intently. Looking at me, through me, the way only she can. I invite her scrutiny, welcome it, not shielding a thing from her.

After a while, she takes three steps behind me and drops the cake completely into a trashcan and wipes away her tears. "So, maybe we'll do this another time." She says easily, and walks down the street at a brisk pace without another word.

I watch her walk away and think of a lifetime, our life, and how it feels like we're coming apart right now. I can physically feel the distance between us become greater and greater until she's out of sight.

I don't want to leave things like this, but I leave anyway.

Maybe some things aren't meant to be.


	25. A Bridge on Weakening Cables

_"Ugh. This is so bad." I lift the remote and switch the channels with a grunt, my seventeen year old brain unable to put my attention on the show for more than a minute. _

_"No fair. Change it back, it was just getting to the good part." Glen whines._

_"There is no good part, Glen. You're like, the only person in the universe who watches this."_

_"Everyone watches COPS."_

_"False. That's why they put it on Saturday nights." I argue, settling on a channel._

_"Yeah, right! I am not watching Dawson's Creek." Glen attempts to snatch the remote from my hand. "I hate that theme song."_

_"I don't wanna wait!" I hold it out of his grasp, taunting him in song. "La la la, Glen's not gonna get the remote, da da da!" _

_"No!" Glen covers his ears. "It haunts me."_

_I just laugh at him, until he calls out his Mother. Paula ambles in from checking the mail to see what all the fuss is about. "Did Ashley pinch you again?" She looks amused._

_"She's making me watch Dawson's Creek."_

_"So?"_

_"It's like, a repeat." Glen groans._

_"You almost sound like a fan." Paula teases, then turns to me. "Is Spencer not home yet?"_

_"She went to a later showing of the movie because Aiden," I give an unmistakeable eye roll, "Wanted to grab a burger."_

_Paula almost gives me a sympathetic look, nodding in understanding, then turns to Glen, who's busy glowering at the screen. "Be nice to Ashley." She says pointedly, then exits to the kitchen._

_"Can we seriously watch something else?" Glen asks, and I just toss the controller to him, the fight no longer in me. _

_"Knock yourself out. I'm gonna go home."_

_"Aw, come on. This is the only night in all the Saturday nights that will ever be that I'm sitting on this couch."_

_"Then maybe you shouldn't have mooned the principal. You probably wouldn't be grounded." I level my stare at the TV as Glen switches it back to COPS._

_"Maybe he shouldn't have given me detention." Glen shrugs. "And I maintain that she wanted to see my butt."_

_I laugh despite myself. _

_"Is that a laugh I hear?" Glen says slyly. He knows I'm in a down mood tonight, Spencer's been missing in action nearly all day and here I am, sitting on her couch and waiting for her. I'm sure my mood is written all over my face. "An honest to goodness Ashley Davies laugh?"_

_"Sounded like it." Paula enters from the kitchen with three cans of soda and passes them out. "Scoot over, kids." She places her can daintily on a coaster then plucks the remote out of Glen's hand. "Murder, She Wrote is on." _

_Glen and I groan in unison. "Mom!" "Paula."_

_"What?" _

_"Murder, She Wrote? Some old chick solving mysteries? If I wanted to be bored, I'd read." Glen complains, though it looks like he's laughing a little, too._

_"Ah, it's cool, Paula. I've always had a thing for Angela Lansbury, anyways." I joke. Glen laughs out loud but Paula doesn't really acknowledge that I've said anything. I instinctively redden and concentrate on the TV, feeling a bit embarassed. _

_I know Paula loves me like her own, but I also know I'm in love with her daughter. My adolescence has been a confusing, convoluted one, but the one thing I know for sure is that Paula would not be happy to learn that Spencer shares any wayward feelings toward me, though I'm nearly positive she's on to the fact that I'm a love struck puppy when it comes to her daughter._

_I don't know if it's something she worries about, but I can see a frown tugging at the corners of her lips everytime Spencer brushes a kiss onto my cheek. She is a constant reminder of why Spencer is so scared of me, and she's done more for me than my own Mother can claim. _

_It's a strange situation and it makes my heart hurt when I think about it too much. Paula is a good woman, but she affects me more than she will ever know._

_"I bet she was hot once." Glen observes, staring at the screen. "Was she?" _

_Paula turns toward him on a stiff neck, raising one eyebrow. "Hm?"_

_"Was she a knockout?" _

_Paula glances at me quickly, then back to Glen and gives him a tiny smile. "She was alright."_

"I'm sorry. I didn't know if I should come, but I didn't know anywhere else..."

I babble pathetically until Paula reaches out and grips my shoulder, willing me into the house with a concerned look on her face. "Ashley, you can always stop by." The closes the door behind me, peering at my face. "Is everything okay?"

I take a second to catch my breath. My feet took on a mind of their own after I realized I left my car at Spencer's and found myself blazing a trail towards the home of Paula Carlin. "I'm fine." I tell her, then I shake my head. "Actually, you know what, I'm not. No, I'm not fine."

"Sit down." Paula says, leading me to the couch. "Where's Spencer? Tell me what happened."

"I think she's mad at me." I say lamely. "I know she's mad at me. Ugh." I stand up. "I'm sorry, I have to go. I shouldn't have - "

"Ashley." Paula says firmly, and I drop back down into my seat. "If there's anything I do well it's Spencer and Ashley drama, God knows I've lived it since you two were kids."

I try to smile graciously at her, but I can only give her a sad, worn look. "Paula..."

"It's fine, honey." She assures me in a warm voice, and I almost start crying.

"I miss Spencer." I breathe out, words on air and bearly audible.

"I don't - "

"I love Spencer."

"Of course you do, I love Spe - "

"Paula." I meet her eyes, feeling exhausted. "I love Spencer."

Paula's face does not move a bit.

I sigh, sensing something heavy on the air. In a flash, I'm doubting every single reason I came here. I'm uncomfortable and my shoulders are sagging more with every second. "I'll leave."

Paula exhales a large amount of air she'd been holding and shakes her head slowly. "You don't have to leave."

I study Paula's face for a minute, and she lets her head hang for a second. When she looks back at me, I'm about to leave but the resolute look on her face stops me. "When she was eighteen, Spencer told me she wanted to be with you forever."

I immediately stand up straighter, barely register a nervous fluttering in my stomach.

"And I told her...I told her that couldn't happen."

My heart breaks for the millionth time that day, and I stand in silence.

"Because two girls weren't supposed to sleep in each other's beds and want to kiss each other. I saw it. I saw this - pure love between you two." Paula's lips press into a thin line, and she's not staring at me but over my shoulder and into the past with a faraway look in her eyes. "It's not...it wasn't right. I was raised to believe that. It was wrong, somehow. Unnatural."

I shudder internally, refusing to speak.

"Ashley, I love you like my own daughter. When you left, you left all of us. You were the girl next door my kids grew up with and you were...you were my little girl's first love." Paula's voice is soft and I burst into tears right then and there. I plaster my hands against my face, not wanting Paula to see my pain.

"I can forgive a sin." Paula says genuinely, her voice strong. "We're all sinners. And Spencer can forgive you for leaving for all those years, honey. I think she already has."

Tears drip down my chin and onto my shirt, and I'm pressing my fingers against my eyes, hard, trying to keep the tears in.

I feel Paula's hands, pulling mine away from my face, and through my blurry vision I see Paula. My surrogate Mom, wiping away my tears. "Don't cry, Ashley. Sweetie. There's no need for that, it doesn't solve anything." Tears now gone, I let my lip shake as Paula holds my face between her hands and I've never felt more like a child. "Forgive yourself, and stop crying."

Paula's saying all the right things and I can feel my eyes brimming with tears again, remembering Spencer walking away from my on the sidewalk.

"When you were gone, Spencer really...hated me. She was mad at a lot of people, but I think you two only blame yourselves. I hate to see you two like this, it's not... It should have been much different." Paula's hands drop from my face but she keeps her stare level with mine, imparting wisdom I can only absorb and pray to remember. "Stop crying over the lost chances, Ashley. It's tough but that's what life is. You just have to match it step for step."

I feel my hands shaking, and I wring them together, desperately hoping to regain control of my jellied knees enough to walk out the front door without breaking down. "Thank you." I whisper, trying to smile at her. I barely succeed.

"I'm sorry, Ashley." Paula says earnestly, and I know what she's apologizing for. An entire lifetime flashes in front of my eyes, my life with Spencer, and Paula, and myself, and then...and then there's Taylor, and there's Florida, and a hotel somewhere, and a girl with a broken heart. Two girls.

My hands finally stop shaking, but I can't be certain for how long.

"Don't be. Please, don't be." I tell Paula, the only thing I can tell her. Then I give her a hug that drains the strength from my arms.

Then I leave, because my entire body is pulling me out the door.


	26. Can We Have This Moment

Some hours later, I trudge up the steps to my apartment building, my steps loud and my limbs heavy.

I squint my eyes closed against the oncoming migraine. All the day's events are swirling around my head, not making it easy for me to get any peace of mind. I'm exhausted from the tips of my fingers to my temples.

I push the door open, getting a waft of cigarette smoke, blueberry and the ever present smell of hard wood floor. I hear Hailey talking to someone, and I frown. I was ready to throw myself onto the couch and sleep for days, but I instead I poke my head around to corner into the kitchen.

"Hey, kid." Hailey has a cigarette dangling from her lips, smoke puffing out of her nostrils, and she's holding a giant blueberry muffin in one hand. "Muffin?"

Across from Hailey, leaning her elbows onto the marble countertop and whose eyes are currently looking everywhere but at mine, is Spencer.

I shake my head almost imperceptibly at Hailey, who just takes a big bite out of hers and slings an apron over her shoulder. "Spencer made 'em."

"And they're edible?" I joke weakly, for the benefit of both of them. Hailey grins, taking another bite and grabbing her keys off of a hook on the refrigerator.

"Spencer here showed up about an hour ago." Hailey starts loudly, butting out her cigarette in the sink. Spencer stays silent. "I told her you weren't here, but that I would be glad to keep her company while she waited." Hailey checks her watch. "And I have work in several moments...so, you two play nice."

I stand on the other side of the room watching them, arms crossed, feeling like I was coming apart at the seams. Spencer sat quietly on a bar stool, still refusing to look at me.

"It was great to finally meet you, Spencer." Hailey says to her, shooting me a look. "After hearing about you so long it's nice to put the name to a face."

"Same here." Spencer agreed, her voice small. "Thanks for waiting with me."

"Ah ha. No trouble. Thanks for the muffins." She winks at Spencer, then swaggers over to me.

"Stop smoking in the house." I tell her in a low voice, but my eyes are saying something completely differently.

Hailey just laughs at me, handing me her half eaten muffin. "See you when I get off, turd." She sticks out her tongue and claps me on the back, leaning in to stage whisper. "She's adorable."

She hums and strolls out the door, and when it's shut there's a new tension in the room. I look at Spencer for a second, but I drop her gaze as soon as I catch it and walk to my room, feeling defeated.

It's too appealing to look at Spencer, to watch her move around in my apartment. She blends seamlessly with the walls, her hands are all over the marble, she's sitting on my barstool. She's marking up my house as her own territory and she doesn't even know it.

She looks like she belongs. I plop down on my bed, not even knowing what to say to Spencer, or why she's here. I figure she'll come to me. I still have no idea what to say to her.

Several minutes pass before I hear footsteps indicating that Spencer was finally finding her way to my room. She lingers at the doorway.

"You can come in."

Hesitating only a second, she walks in and stands at the end of the bed, putting her purse down. Then she fusses with her hands.

"Your roommate's funny."

"She's alright." I do not rise from my position on the bed. I'm curled up on my side staring straight at her.

"Sorry for freaking out today."

She says it so casually, I just shrug. "We both freaked out. Doesn't matter."

She pauses for a minute, seeming to consider her next words carefully. "I wanted to see you. I hope it's okay - "

"It's fine." I cut her off. "You're always welcome."

She gives me the ghost of a smile and nods.

"Nice apartment."

"Yeah."

At this point, she sighs and looks at me remorsefully. "Are you really leaving?"

"I think so." I tell her softly. Her face falls.

"Why?"

"I think it would be good for me." I keep my voice perfectly even.

"It wouldn't be good for me." She says, dripping with sincerity.

"Spencer..."

"I don't get it, Ashley..." Spencer confesses, picking at her nail.

I sit up. "Stop picking at your nails." I pat the bed. "Come sit."

She sits on the corner of my bed, letting out a breath.

"It's going to be okay." I lamely attempt to reassure her, but from the look on her face, it isn't working.

She slowly begins shaking her head.

"Spencer, listen to me." I take her arm, gently, and hold it in my hands to get her attention. "Being apart will not kill us. It's just...remember earlier today? How hard that was? This thing...this thing we have. I mean, it's hurting you, too, right?" I tell her, sounding vulnerable.

"Just say it, Ashley." Spencer pleads, and I'm almost taken aback by how hopeless she sounds. "Say the word and..."

"And what, Spencer?" I urge quietly.

Spencer looks at me with infinite tenderness, a way she's looked at me so many times before, and I'm hypnotized by it. Then she gets up abruptly and retreives her purse from the end of the bed.

"I'm so tired of doing this, Ashee." Spencer states robotically, making me swallow nervously. My heart's racing, my mouth is dry, and I have no idea what is happening.

"Spencey..."

Spencer opens her purse and brings out a small composition notebook. "You say you're still in love with me." She hands it to me without a second thought, pressing it into my hands. "But you..."

Her voice cracks, and she pauses for a moment, taking a steadying breath. I open the book, surprised by what I find.

"You have my entire heart."

Drawings of me. Filling the notebook, every chalkwhite page is filled with a pencil drawing of my face, a charcoal portrait of me, detailed and beautiful. The edges are bent and worn and something tells me this isn't new.

"I couldn't draw anything else." Spencer admits, sounding almost embarassed. "The pictures got worse the longer you were gone."

Eventually the well drawn pictures gave way to half finished sketches. An incomplete face, fading strands of hair. Eyes that were never filled in.

"I just stopped."

I shake the ominous, aching feeling off and turn the pages back to the beginning of the notebook. The first pages.

"These are gorgeous."

Spencer bites her lip, watching my eyes pour over her work, enthralled by it. "I had a good subject."

I close the book and hand it back to her, holding it far away. Suddenly, I don't want to see it. I don't want to be reminded. I do not want Spencer in my house, leaving her scent everywhere to torture me while I try to fall asleep.

"I want you to keep it." She tells me peacefully.

"I don't want it."

She looks hurt for a split second then takes the notebook from me. "What do you want from me, Ashley?"

"I'm so sick of hearing that from you." I counter, recalling all the times she said it as we were growing up. Each time, knowing full well what I wanted. "I have your whole heart? I don't want it. And I don't want your book."

Spencer's face flushes but she glares at me. "Oh, is this like that time you told me you weren't in love with me anymore?" She taunt me with the truth, not letting me shut her out.

"Stop it."

"If you're so mad at me for pushing you away why are you doing this to me? This come here, go away trip you've been playing is getting old quick." Spencer says angrily.

I ball my hands into fists, hating all the emotion coursing through me and knowing I can do nothing about it. "I do not want to do this right now." I jump off my bed and head straight for the door.

"If you just tell me...tell me you want me." Spencer rushes to say, before I'm out the door, in an unmistakably heartfelt voice. "And I'm yours. I...I swear." She sounds near tears in her frustration.

I turn around to look at her, to gauge her seriousness. She looks exposed, standing in the middle of my bedroom with her bright, shining eyes. I could go to her.

Or I could go the other way. Every muscle in my body is screaming at me to bail, exit the room, and this moment. She's telling you everything you wanted to hear but you're indescribably scared.

But still, you could lunge at her and pay the consequences later. "Promise?" My voice wavers.

Spencer nods, standing completely still. She even manages to give me a tiny, hopeful smile. "Promise."

Hearing what I've needed to hear, I use my legs to carry me as fast as I can out of my own apartment building, leaving Spencer in my dust.

It's dark outside, and I take the stairs two at a time until I'm outside on the balcony, just one more flight of stairs to go until I car start sprinting to my car.

"You're kidding me, aren't you?" I look behind me and see Spencer catching up to me impressively.

"Go away."

"You're such a child, Ashley. You know that, right?"

I pause, looking out over the balcony to the cement below and I feel completely wretched. "I'm sorry. I couldn't be in there with you..." I take a few deep breathes of fresh, night air.

Spencer takes a few steps closer to me, putting a hand on my back. "I meant it, you know." She says softly. "If you're really leaving I don't...I don't think I could handle that."

"I don't think I could, either." I say, distressed and still peering over the railing. Spencer's hand works circles into my back, comforting me.

"Do you ever feel like our ship has sailed?"

"What?"

"If we were ever supposed to be together, it would have happened by now?"

"I don't know."

"You don't?"

Spencer's hand stops, no longer comforting, and I miss it immediately. "Do you?"

I shrug, my shoulders feeling like they weigh a thousand pounds. "Maybe." My voice is almost a whisper.

I look at Spencer, in her eyes, and through all the blue I can tell that no, she's never thought that. She even looks a little pained at my admission, and guilt tears at me.

I think of Paula Carlin's words. I try to take them to heart but I don't think I can ever feel good about a lot of the decisions I've made, and it hits me right in the chest at that second.

The moonlight makes her skin glow and I feel like crying.

"Shit. I have to go."

Spencer's hand tangles with mine immediately, stopping me. "Please don't." My pulse speeds up automatically, and I get a feeling of being flushed all over.

I notice not for the first time, this close on the balcony, how gorgeous she looks tonight. How her hand fits so well in mine, like it always has. Hands I'm so familiar with being wrapped around my own.

"Spencer...I go or you go." I say firmly, though my resolve is crumbling almost completely, just because I'm looking at her lips.

"I love you." She says simply, innocently, like it's the only thing she can think of to say, and any last shred of self control I might have had is gone.

"God." I whimper breathlessly. "I love you."

No longer fighting what was without a doubt my longest battle, I take a step forward and delicately press my lips onto hers without hesitation.

It was only our second kiss.


	27. I Am A Bit Afraid

When Spencer reluctantly pulled back, I finally opened my eyes and tried not to act like a teenager just getting my first kiss. Her hand, which at some point had come to rest on my cheek, was now gently tracing a thumb over my jawline.

It could have been a two minute kiss, it could have been a two second kiss, but all I was really sure of was Spencer standing very close to me, cupping my face, and she seemed to be mesmerized by my eyes.

I should have known once I had actually kissed her I wouldn't be able to fully control myself.

I reached up and took her hand in my own, bringing it to my lips and pressing kisses into it, onto her lifeline, her loveline.

"Ashley..." Spencer moaned, in what sounded like a mix between frustration and ecstacy.

"It's okay. It's alright." I whispered, trailing the kisses up her wrist and then abandoning it, feeling the overpowering urge to feel her lips on mine again, the breathe her in.

Spencer pulled back, squeezing her eyes shut tightly. "I can't." We were so close to each other we couldn't be nearer unless we wrapped our arms around each other, and when I looked at her our noses brushed, our breath mingled between us.

"You don't wanna kiss me again?" I pur, warmness flooding my body at lightning fast speed.

Spencer's eyes were glossy and her face was flushed, and at this moment more then ever she looked painfully in love. In love with me.

I felt a wave of joy and caught her lips again, relishing in the feeling of her kissing back for a split second. "Spencey..."

Letting go of my lips and pressing her forehead against mine, she's so close the color of her eyes are a blue blur, a fuzzy picture I couldn't quite make clear this close up. "Ashee."

I give her my most sincere look, one that I honestly hope conveys how I feel about her. How I love her, and why I would do nearly anything for her if she would just stay here, like she is now.

I wonder if I can convey that all with my eyes. I bring my lips to her ear. "Do you think we can catch up on 15 years worth of missed kisses?" I murmur, giving her earlope a quick kiss. She takes a quick step back, like I had burned her, and only then do I realize that we're both trembling.

It is not cold out.

"What am I thinking?" Spencer asks me intently, and I don't think she intends her voice to be that sultry or inviting.

I bit my lip, hard, refusing to answer. Knowing the answer and hating it.

Instead of answer, I deliver another swift, unexpected kiss, and part quickly with her lips.

I feel Spencer quiver, only inches away from me, and there is a pained, conflicted expression on her face. I want so badly to uncomplicate things for her, to make her smile. To make her feel good. Maybe I can tear myself away from her if there was just that one time, one instance, where I made her completely happy. Where we could be completely happy together.

Then she softens, "I don't want this to be our goodbye kiss."

I give her lips the softest attack I can muster, gently tangling my hands in her hair, the way I've always wanted to. I don't know if I'm moaning, or if it's her, or both of us. I can barely make out a chorus of our declarations of love and each other's names being muttered through long, warm kisses.

Spencer kisses like I always knew she would, wrapping her arms tightly around my back and pulling me impossibly close to her.

I'm deliriously happy.

We break the kiss, breathing heavily but no longer shaking, and embrace each other for a long time. Then I can feel Spencer pulling away, I can feel it in my bones.

"Please." I whisper, running my lips along her cheek. "Just once." I bury my face in the crook of her neck, taking long deep breathes of her scent, calming myself.

"Once?" Spencer's unsteady voice asks.

I let a finger trail itself up and down the side of Spencer's neck, "You don't have to see me after tonight if you don't want to." I deliver a kiss to the inside of her neck, continuing, "Just...before I leave..."

Closure. It would feel like closure. I do not want to speak this out loud, so I bring my lips around for another kiss, another completely intoxicating kiss. I will never get used to the jolt it gives me.

"No." Spencer breathes, moving her face a fraction of an inch to miss my lips. I finally pull back enough to look her straight in the eye, and for a second she looks immeasurably sad.

"Spencer?" I cradle her head in my hands, and she squirms out of my grasp. "What's wrong?"

"One night stand, huh?" Spencer crosses her arms and turns to look out, over the balcony. Far into the night.

"What? What, no." I run a hand along her arm to try to bring her back, so she can give me that warm, incomparable feeling again. I want it - badly. "That's not what I meant."

"Just once..." Spencer repeats, shrugging off my arm. "That's what you said. You meant - "

"Spencer..."

"You want to sleep with me and leave."

My stomach twists nervously, not anticipating at all that's how she would perceive my actions. I bring myself back down to reality, slowly, and try to make sense of what is going on.

"No. No, that's not - "

"You would make love to me and leave me." Spencer plainly states, pain evident in her voice, her eyes.

I recall her pain as my own, so many years ago. When Spencer offered herself to me on Prom night, I had seen it as a situation where I could have her once, or never. Both options would inevitably lead to heartbreak.

The role reversal is not lost on me.

I opened my mouth to speak and found it a very trying task, because while the kiss had elevated me before, now I felt heavy and vulnerable, self conscious in every way.

"You didn't seem to have to have such a problem with that offer say, oh, four years ago." I inform her, not knowing how to dig myself out of the impossibly big hole I'd dug myself into.

"When I was 18." Spencer snaps. "I guess you never learned to grow up."

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm the emotionally stunted one." I snap back. "I wonder why."

"Alright! I get it. I was mean when we were young." Spencer puts on a mock sad face. "Boo hoo."

"Mean?" I demand. "How do you feel right now? Rejected? A little heartbroken, maybe? Pretty shitty, right?"

Spencer glares at me, and I take a step closer. "I felt like that every single day for eleven years."

"And how do you feel right now? Pissed off, afraid and..." She holds my stare, speaking meaningfully. "Wishing you could do the right thing, and having no idea what that is?"

She hits the nail completely on the head. "I'm done with being psychoanalyzed." I say, frustrated. I can still taste Spencer on my lips, and it's hard to think a few minutes ago I was kissing her with everything I had in me. "Why don't you go home to your girlfriend."

"Wouldn't that just make you so happy." Spencer rolls her eyes derisively, looking for all the world like a teenaged brat. I fight the urge to kiss her again.

"No." I tell her honestly, shrugging. "But I think you should, anyways."

Spencer stands still, staring at me like a particularly complex math problem. She was never good at math.

"Really." I insist, waiting for her to move. Her head tilts, falls to one side to give me a strange look. "Spencer, if you don't leave, I'm going to kiss you again."

She merely shrugs. I sigh heavily, and turn around so I don't have to look at her. I want to touch her so bad, but right now, it's also the scariest thing in the world.

"Can we just talk?" Spencer asks tenderly.

"No!" I explode, hands slapping at my sides in emphasis. I stare at the wall. "Just can you please leave me alone?"

I don't hear her response. "Spencey?" I turn around, a little sad, a little glad, that she'd finally left. Before I'm completely turned I'm caught off guard. She's standing right behind me and envelopes me in a big hug.

"I don't know why you're running from me." She squeezes me tight, even after my attempts to escape. "But it hurts me."

"Good!" I cry, struggling to get loose. "I don't care! Just let me go."

"No!"

"Let me go."

"You're being an idiot. But you happen to be an idiot that I love." Spencer says through gritted teeth, then lets go of me. In all my flailing, I fall on the ground. Spencer laughs out loud.

I stand up immediately, and I feel my lip begin to shake.

"Come on, that was funny."

"None of this is funny!" My voice is strangled with emotion, and Spencer steps foreward, concerned. I will myself to take a step back, away from her. "I'm leaving."

"Wait."

"No."

"Ashley!" She spins me around with one hand, and I reach into the back pocket of her jeans, pulling out a single key ring with a single key. Spencer's car keys.

"What are you doing?"

I walk briskly back to the railing and cock my arm back. Spencer grabs it it, pulling me away from the railing. "Stop being crazy."

"Are you going to leave me alone?"

Spencer eyes me. "I don't think you should be alone."

I try to cock my arm back again, and Spencer pulls me backward. I fall on my butt again, but this time, Spencer lands on top of me and pins me.

"Give me the keys."

"No."

"I'm stronger than you."

And she is. Nine time out of ten, counting from experience, Spencer would pin me to the ground and make me eat dirt. Then she would kiss me on the cheek, but that's just the way it was when we were younger.

But now, I squirm and squirm, getting red in the face until I'm out almost from underneath her. "Just like Spencer." I snarl, standing with a huff. "Always the most stubborn when it counts the least."

I pull my arm back and throw her keys off my balcony and halfway across the parking lot. I take a deep breath, then turn around and breeze past Spencer and into my apartment building.

Still, my lips burn.


	28. Muddled Thoughts

_"Hailey Jennings."_

_I limply shake the girl's hand, the girl that will be my roommate for the next few years, without looking at her face._

_She drops her single box with a loud thud. "I heard you're Ashley Davies."_

_"You heard?" I mutter, sitting on the corner of my bed and lying back slowly. I'm not really interesting in what she's saying. My mind is still with a blonde girl a dozen cities over._

_"Well, you got dropped off in a limo. And your Dad was - "_

_"I get it." I close my puffy eyes. I hate the thought of being even the tiniest celebrity here on campus, and I think my roommate picks up on this quickly._

_"Yeah, well. I just wanted to tell you I don't really care." She says easily, and I hear her kick her heavy boots off and light up a cigarette._

_I sit up to look at her, pleased with her reply. The tall, shaggy haired girl I see staring back at me indifferently will not change a bit over the years to come. I am already thankful for her presence, especially since I do not think she knows I've been crying. Or maybe she avoids the subject altogether deftly, as she will for months to come when I try to stifle my tears in the night. Sometimes during the day._

_The first two semesters will be hell for me, and even then I knew that._

_Hailey never asked questions, never asked about my sad gaze out of countless windows, why I sometimes couldn't concentrate, why my nostrils flared and I looked away when she asked me about back home. She sensed something was up, but never asked for anything. Frankly, I don't think she cared. We were grateful for the benign presence in each other's life, and eventually we bonded over a shared love of, something I'd just discovered for myself, alcohol and partying._

_It was a good way to forget. It was a good way to spend those minutes in between studying, regret, and near tears._

_By my second year it was an inescapable routine, and I could stop feeling bad enough for there to be girls. A revolving door of girls, countless blonde girls. No - that was a lie. I could count them, easily. They dulled the pain, but only for a second. They made the hurt more biting, more intense in the dark, when I was alone. When the guilt came._

_By my third year, I was acing all my tests and forgetting all my nights. They were the only years in my life I can honestly say I don't remember months of, and the only years of my life I was glad I didn't. I was in bad shape, and Hailey was there to never tell me that. I was grateful for it, because I needed not to hear it. The trust fund made life as close to college paradise as I could get, but the sense of a big piece of myself missing just made it a gross impersonation._

_By my senior year, I was disgusted with myself and on the verge of forgetting why I was even punishing myself in the first place. I slowly put myself together, only barely aware of huge gaps, the empty spaces, and I was ready to graduate. I was fine, I convinced myself. Maybe I could have convinced myself of that forever._

_Then I found a picture I didn't know I had._

The gin burned my throat, but only for the first couple of drinks. After that, it had a pleasant, dulling lime sensation that I only felt in my throat.

I had watched Spencer walk all the way to the parking lot, retrieve her keys, and leave without giving me a second look. It stung, without question it stung. Now, I didn't want to think about it. So I drank gin on the rocks until I was bored and out of it enough to watch MSNBC. I couldn't find the remote and I didn't care.

I am happy to admit that my mind was blissfully blank when Hailey came in, exclaiming from the second she opened the front door that it reeked of gin.

"Guess why." I slurred, setting my glass on the table with a loud clank.

Hailey almost snickered at me, obviously drunk, and picked my glass up to sip it. "Christ." She made a face, then took another drink. "Well, it' mine now." She settled into the couch next to me. "So what, are you guy like poison to each other or something?"

"Probably." I rubbed my face.

"This drink could knock an elephant on its ass."

"Whatever." I manage to mumble, and hold out my hand. "Want my drink."

"What?"

"Gimme that...give me that drink."

She reaches out and pushes my forehead with her fingertips, and I fall in slow motion against the arm of the couch while she laughs. "So, guess what?"

"Hmmm?" I groan.

"I've officially stopped feeling sorry for your pathetic ass."

I try to sit up, but I can only crane my neck. "I don't want your pity." I try to say clearly.

"What the hell did you say to her?" She asks nonchalantly.

"Threw her keys off the balcony." I sigh loudly, drunkenly. "After I... I kissed 'er."

"You kissed her or she kissed you?" Hailey sounds a bit curious, leaning forward.

"Don't remember." I tell her honestly, this thought making me sad. The alcohol has clouded my senses, and I reach up to touch my lips, try with all my heart to recall.

Nothing.

"Man, Ash. That girl is sweet as sugar." Hailey said, shaking her head without looking at me. "Sadder than I've ever seen a blonde, but still. Damn."

I stand up very calmly, waver more than a tiny bit on my feet, and stumble out the door and over to the balcony just in time to vomit the contents of my guts over the railing.

In a few seconds, Hailey is patting me on the back and laughing until I'm done. I slide down onto my butt, taking gasps of the fresh air. "I'm unna call Spencer." I wipe my mouth and attempt to stand up.

"Not so fast."

"Get...off."

Hailey pulls me back down to my feet and sits next to me. "You're so messed up over this, Ashley. You know you're confusing the hell out of that poor girl, don't you?"

"She doesn't...get to be confused." I wipe my mouth. "She spent our entire childhood being confused." I spit, now more aware than ever.

"Are you seriously angry with her?"

"Yes." I clench my jaw, fighting tears.

Hailey sighs. "Do you remember college? Do you remember how you cried and cried and I pretended not to hear?"

I don't say anything.

"Was that anger, really?"

"Yes!" I cry. "Yes, it was anger! I hate her! Look at me, Hails...Fuck, look at me. I was over her, I was..." The world is spinning around me and I concentrate on Hailey's eyes, dead center, to regain my calm.

"No, Ash, you weren't. All those times...all those girls, Ashley. Never a girl, just girls. No friends. Hell, I was only your friend because you had to live with me. You were...you're so sad." Hailey tells me gently, but there's still a harsh tone in her voice.

"She messed me up so bad." Tears slide down my cheeks, and Hailey looks away, down at our pool.

"Everyone gets screwed up when they were kids, one way or the other. Everyone, you didn't have it special. Hell, you didn't even have it that bad. Yes, what Spencer did was pretty bitchy, I guess. But can't you look at her and see...I don't know. Can't you just look at her eyes and know she's paid for it?" Hailey's desperate for me to be okay, I can hear it in her voice. She wants her old friend Ashley back.

"I don't know how." I say, sounding pathetic. "Tell me how."

Hailey looks at me like she's exasperated with me, then gets up and leaves. I feel miserable, sitting out there alone, until she brings back a phone. "Use this, idiot."

Then she actually leaves me. I hear the door close, and I take a long, deep breath. I know I have to blaze a new trail, I know Spencer's begging me to. She has been begging me to, ever since I showed up at her porch. I have to remind myself that I sought her out, that she hurt, too. I can't blame her just because she was young, just like I was.

She's never been anything but sweet to me, even now, in the only way she knew how. Spencer didn't really know how to hurt deliberately, she only knew how to defend herself. She was just a girl, still was just a girl.

And I was still so scared. I thought of Hailey's words, and didn't know what to make of them.

I cried harder than I had in a long time. Then, I dialed a number.

"411, please give me business or residency."

I request in a strong, clear voice.

"Airline ticket agency closest to my area, please."


	29. Truth Be Told

"I'm taking this."

I watched with damp eyes as Hailey grabbed the gin and tucked it under her arm. She had worked a long shift at the bakery and was probably getting tired of watching me stare mournfully at the phone.

"You headin' to bed anytime soon?"

I shrugged the tiniest bit, feeling like I was in a coma. I was still a bit drunk, still a lot miserable, and I didn't think I'd get any sleep that night. "Yeah, in two seconds." I muttered, and Hailey blinked, then went to bed. I could tell our talk had taken a lot out of her, and when she retreated, I lied flat on the floor.

The phone was still gripped in my hand, I didn't think I'd put it down until I did what I knew I had to do before I could even breathe easily. I dialed Spencer's number.

She answered after the first two rings. I expected a longer wait, if she answered at all. "Ashley?" Her voice was a shaky whisper.

I cleared my throat. "Hey..." I said softly. "How did you...how did you know it was me?"

"It's 2:30 am."

"Oh."

A few seconds went by before I hear Spencer sigh. "Any particular reason you're calling?"

"I don't know yet."

She laughed a little, but it was an impatient laugh. "Is that really all you - "

"I'm sorry for falling in love with you when I was - what, ten?" I tell her, feeling miserable. I swallow and wait for her reply.

"Are you?"

"Truthfully, yes." I lie.

"I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I ran into a little brown haired girl the day I moved into a random apartment complex, in a random city in California." Spencer tells me calmly. "I was never...I'll never be sorry."

"No?" I squeeze my eyes shut against the tears.

"And I don't believe you are, either." Spencer's voice shakes a little. "Stop lying to me, please. I can tell every single time, and it hurts."

I hold the phone closer to my ear, pulling my knees up to my chest in my lying position on the floor. "Truthfully?" The words wobble coming out of my mouth, but I continue. "Truthfully, Spencer..."

"Please... Do you want me to go?" I can hear Spencer's tear stained voice, trying to be so strong. "Truthfully, I love you with all that's in my heart, or atleast all I know of it. Because you're the only person that's ever been there, really." She takes a deep breath, and my entire body feels warm. "Truthfully, people say there are other fish in the sea. And there...there are, but there's no more Ashley Davies, there's only one. And I'm pretty...painfully aware of that, because you're the best. I don't think...I know I can't love anyone like I love you. Like I could love you, if you'd just..."

"Spencey..." Spencer laughs, a tiny, happy laugh on the other end, and goes on.

"Truthfully, uh...I know without a doubt that I could love you until - until I died, and you know, maybe even after that." She tells me. "Truthfully, Ashee, I can see us the way we should be. I can see us, in a house, our house. I can see a wedding, with your Mom, and Glen, and my Mom and you know, toasts and I'd wear white and walk down to aisle and..." She sighs, and I can see her eyes, wistful and glittering, imagining this.

I'm openly crying at the sound of her voice, so sure and passionate, but I don't know if they're sad tears. I pray they're not sad tears. "Button..." I whisper.

"No, wait. Wait, Ashee. And I can see...fuck, truthfully? I can see children, really, I see me being cranky and pregnant, or you'd be cranky and pregnant or...or, I can...I can see our children, I know you'd like that. And, Jesus, I'd love it, too, Ashley. I'm twenty four years old but I can see, truthfully, I can see us old, on our porches, laughing at all the kids running around, stupid kids thinking life was easy...trying to fall in love. We'd laugh so damn hard, Ashee, hoping they'd be better at it than us." I'm hugging my knees to my chest, clutching them tightly. I'm squeezing my eyes shut so tight I can almost make believe it's Spencer I'm holding.

"I'm so sorry, Ashley. So sorry, oh, God. For everything. This shouldn't have...it should never have been like this, we should be..." Her voice is almost disappearing in her sobs. "Everything..." Her words are so small, her voice barely carrying them through the phone lines.

I have no idea what to do with this. My head is swimming, my heart is bursting, and I feel completely lost. The pain is still there, ragged and amplified now, in the dark, on my floor.

"Truthfully..." I lick my lips, my cheeks wet with tears. I hate myself. I don't know if Hailey's right anymore, if it's anger, or pain. Or any of those things. "I'm not sure if it's not too late." The words are out of my mouth before I can even understand their meaning, before I was aware I thought them. I don't know if they're the truth, but I know they hurt her. They sure as hell hurt me.

Spencer's quiet at first, and I think about Taylor, for the first time wondering if she can hear Spencer. If she's even there, if she even cares. I think I just broke my own heart for the millionth time, but really, I'm used to the pain. I might even find comfort in it.

"Do you hate me?" She asks softly, and my heart almost breaks.

"I don't - "

"You've never stopped hurting me, Ashley." Her voice is grave, but gentle. "Even when you didn't mean to. I don't...I don't understand why - "

"Spencey - "

"Don't!" Spencer cries, her voice loud.

"Please, Button...What am I thinking?"

"I don't know what you're thinking, Ashley! I don't know!" She's frantic. "We're not twelve anymore! I don't know...will you just tell me that you love me?" She whimpers. "Tell me you forgive me. Tell me..."

"I love you so...completely and - obsessively and thoroughly and...and all those things you said? They're beautiful, Spencer. They're so fucking beautiful, and you're right. We should have...everything. Maybe we could have had them, you know, in a different...a different time."

"A different time?"

"Maybe if...maybe if you'd let me kiss you when we were in high school, maybe if you'd have been with me, instead of Aiden, if you weren't afraid of your Mom, if..." My heart is beating in my throat, punctuating all my words

"Maybe if you hadn't left! Maybe if you could forget...if we could just forget." Spencer's voice gets more and more faraway. "I wish I could forget." She whispers.

"I'm leaving in the morning." I tell her, my voice stilted. I hear her sob for a split second before I put the phone down, calmly, and wipe at my tears. I stand up on shaky feet.

"I loved you." I whisper, to no one. "I really did."

_"I'm twenty four years old but I can see, truthfully, I can see us old, on our porches, laughing at all the kids running around, stupid kids thinking life was easy...trying to fall in love. We'd laugh so damn hard, Ashee, hoping they'd be better at it than us."_

The tears come faster than they ever have before, and I pick up the phone, squeezing it until my fingertips cramp, then I slam it once, twice, three times against the table until it's not a phone, it's just pieces of something that used to be a phone. I let out a strangled sob, and I'm a whirlwind heading into my room, a hurricane destroying everything in its path. The closet is empty in seconds, clothes strewn all over the bed. What used to be in the nightstand is now on the floor, things that were on the floor have been kicked to the other side of the room, and when I let myself fall on the ground, there's blood on my hand.

It doesn't hurt, and I stare at it numbly, not feeling anything. I've stopped crying, and there's a strange, suffocating silence in the room. I feel a familiar urge, and by the time I've grabbed for the wastebasket, I've already vomited on my expensive wood floors. This time, I don't think it's from the alcohol. I spit, turn my head, and lay where I am.

I deserve to sleep next to vomit.


End file.
